My W is coming down to my office to call OM today to tell him to stop calling her. She has told me that she is not calling him - that it is he that is calling her. Of course, she talks to him when he does call. <P>S&C<p>[This message has been edited by sadandconfused (edited August 21, 2001).]

Good Luck S&C, I think you are acting wisely.<BR>And I think its real encouraging that your wife is agreeing to it.<P>

sac,<BR>I always like to think through all possible outcomes. What do you expect to hear from the OM as a response? Are you prepared for whatever he says?

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by sadandconfused:<BR><B><BR>2) Telling my W to exchange cell phones with me after the call and spending the afternoon together to verify that he doesn't call.<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>This is one of the best ideas I've EVER seen!!<P>Don't "tell" her though... "ask" nicely... esp. while she's in a good mood and willing to work on things. And not just for the afternoon -- try FOREVER. Trade phones from this afternoon forward. Can you try that?<P>You're doing great, I think.

Well, she showed up early. Before we called, I asked her to read a letter that I wrote and am going to send to OM. <BR>My W was not happy with the "threat", but said I could send it anyway. She made the phone call from my office speaker phone so that I could hear the entire call. The OM basically said "no problem" to my W telling him that because she and I are trying to make this work, he cannot call her.<P>After the call my W asked if it went the way I wanted. I told her that if it was so easy for him to say okay, why didn't he do it when you asked him before. She got pissed and left. She did give me her cell phone though.<P>S&C<P>[This message has been edited by sadandconfused (edited August 20, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by sadandconfused (edited August 21, 2001).]

<P>snl....You sound like you have a pretty good attitude, but just for the record (as a ws) you have a little overtone to you.....that YOU are gonna fix this, that it is about YOU, and family, that YOU can love your wife right, she just has to understand that. I "see" this all the time with strong bs, and it is understandable, but it can be a problem. Until you love your spouse enuf to make it clear you are willing to let them go, just expect a fair chance, that this is also about her, and her needs (which may mean she needs to not be married to you), you set up a pattern for future resentment, and marital unhappiness (whether you ever know it or not).<P>Why didn't you let her write the letter, or the telephone script? I pretty much like your solution though. I really hate the cold turkey mentality re no contact, or assuming the op doesn't genuinely care, etc., is a vexing human relationship problem all around. Maybe our species would work better if we were polygamous.<P>s&c...After the call my W asked if it went the way I wanted. I told her that if it was so easy for him to say okay, why didn't he do it when you asked him before. She got pissed and left. She did give me her cell phone though.<P>snl...This was a glimpse into your agenda, your mask slipped a bit, that is good and bad. I woulda been po'd too. You as much as said their relationship was unimportant, and not worth consideration. That is about YOU, it was/is very important to your w and om, so course it is hard to give in to what others want (to destroy it), this is a volatile area sad, you'd be well served to stay away from it, and be supportive of your wifes concerns re om, not uncaring or inconsiderate. Is good cause you were being honest, and she knows who you are better, but is still a dangerous place.<BR>

Hi S&C,<P>I wanted to respond to say that I appreciated your thoughts on the other post. I just sent it to my H and wanted to tell you here. <P>Keep up the good work. Your W is trying also and for that I am very happy. <P>We appreciate the progress of both of you and your wife. <P>L. <BR>

I'm a BS. I'd like to give you something to think about. I understand 100% how you feel and I've spent hours and hours trying to figure out a way to get contact to stop. I've sat down with OM and made deals with him. I've pleaded, made threats, explained, and even tried to get my wife to leave our marriage and see if it can work out with OM. All three of us know it won't. Yes, contact does get in the way of the marriage. Contact is extremly painfull for me and everytime it happens I LB but it is more painfull living with the fear that it is not over for my W and OM. I feel that type of pain when my wife is telling me what I want to hear and doing what I want her to do instead of doing what she really feels. I don't know if you've experienced this or not. <BR>This past week my wife placed herself in a situation where she might run into OM. I was extremely upset as I am reaching my limit. After I finally calmed down and started to listen to her she told me about the precautions she took to avoid running into him. She told me that she is staying away from him and has not had any contact with him in over a month. She also told me that she knows that she will run into him sometime and she actually needs this so he can see she is OK. I don't understand everything about that comment but I think it has to do with closure (I hope). For some reason I understand her need for this and told her that I did. I also asked her to be honest with me if she screwed it up and let me make my own choices. <BR>One more thought about your OM. I think mine is built the same. Do you really think he will keep his word? Even if you could control him is that really in your best interest? You are basically taking your wifes decision from her. I know I could control the OM but I know W will find out and will resent me for it. Even though we think and know that the OM is weak he gets off on the power he has over this situation. He doesn't understand or feel the pain and destruction he's causing for you, your family, and your W (even if he did he's proved that all he cares about is himself). He feels powerful when he knows he's getting to you because everytime he gets to you he thinks your W cares for him more. <BR>I'm not one to preach. This is by far the biggest problem I've faced but after banging my head against the wall for the past 8 months it's time for something different for me. <BR>I know you've already done this but if it doesn't work (and I hope it does) then maybe next time you can think about changing directions.<P><BR>Good luck,<P>who

Maybe I should change my username to Pollyanna? I try to encourage people as much as possible.<P>I am a Ws now 6 mos in recovery. Your W got angry because you helped finalize things (hopefully) I know she is wrong to have cheated you but she is going through a ton of emotions. Guilt, embarrassment, perhaps fog is still lifting? I am sure she felt a great deal of humiliation at not being strong enough herself to cut OM off. It is hard to do but you need to redirect her attention to you. This means sweet little surprises, thoughtful gestures, etc. She needs to do this for you, too but you may have to initiate things first. Help her to overcome her regret and know she made the right choice choosing you. <P>You deserve kudos too for choosing to forgive and you are awesome to have stood by her and defend her against OM. You did a very difficult thing today but hopefully it will pay off in a great way. Keep posting so we know how you are and can support you.<P>------------------<BR>Fresh Start

I'm sorry but I think you are wasting your time with that letter. Why do you think a man as sneaky and lowdown as this OM is or any OM is would play by any kind of rules?. Isn't this a man who who slept with your wife, who snuk around for who knows how long behind your back put his 'goo' where your children started life? <P>You ask him to be a gentlemen? My goodness, your letter reads like you want him to apologize for scratching your car, or calling your wife fat, or something else very benign. Your letter treats him like he is a peer, a man of some honor. Horse Hockey!!! He slept with your wife didn't he? He didn't put his 'goo' where your children first found life? That's a man who's gonna play by anybody's rules but his own? I DON'T THINK SO.<P>My 'amicable solution' to the OM problem was to blow the whistle on him to his wife. I did this only after the scum wouldn't even admit to what he had done even though I had him dead to right. After he never gave a hint he was sorry for anything. Once his wife found out, and I spared her no details, then and only then did he contact me. And what he said was like "Oh now that I have contacted you and said how sorry I am, I am hoping you will keep your PROMISE not to contact my wife anymore". Yeah right, after he sneaks around and nails my wife I am suppose to be a man or honor, a man of compassion, etc. etc. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me!<P>And let me tell you, I regret absolutely nothing. I would do it exactly the same way again.<P>But maybe your way will work, who knows?.<P>I honestly do wish you and your wife lots of luck.