Been actively working on Plan A<BR>My H the WS D-day Feb 14, 2001<BR>Married 17 years 4 kids<BR>H had 4 A's overpast 13 yrs<BR>Last one 1998<BR>1 A lasted 3 years 92-95...pregnant/abortion<BR>I never knew...he confessed to hurt my feelings<BR>I tried suicide 2x...hospitalized for over 2 weeks in psych center...Now on Paxil<P>H has been crying daily...had confessed to every nitty gritty detail I've asked for...Seems totally committed, remorseful & willing to understand how, why etc.<P>Me, I understand how, why, I understand my contibution to the A's was so willing to forgive & have a better M than before...<P>Now, every time I look at him I see a sinister person who took my feelings for granted & only now after seeing how badly I hurt & how much I really love him & how "good" it can be wants me back<P>I feel used & totally unsure if I can go thru this for the rest of my life...It's been hard work. I try not to get angry, I constantly tell hinm I understand etc etc<P>Yup..Plan A worked...but for who ? I really don't feel any better.<P>Any advice ??<BR>

Hi Louser,<P>You and your H need a recovery plan and quick!!!! Can you arrange to see a workable counselor? Or maybe better yet, have a session with Jennifer or Steve Harley? <P>You are frustrated and going through what many BSs do while their WSs are trying to come clean. Now your needs are coming to the forefront and you are hurting big time, maybe even in shock. <P>Call Steve or Jennifer.<P>L.<BR>

I feel the somewhat the same way as you. I am only suspiciuos my w is having an A (good reasons)because she won't admit it even though I have the evidence.<P>Last week I posted my supsicions and several people gave me different advice. Most suggested I implement plan A right away!<P>I had a problem with this and still do. I can't see making her feel as good and loved as I can the whole while I feel horrible. It seems almost like rewarding her for having an affair. Especially if we stay together - I don't see why she might not take it as that too. <P>All I can say is do what you feel is best. I'm playing it by ear. I am not being mean to her but I'm not doing very good job of showing her my loving feelings for her - it's hard. If anyone else would have any advice I think we could use it.

Thanks all.<P>Orchid..we are in counseling & the counselor is Great !! We both really like him. Biggest problem is that my H was brought up to believe that he is perfect & has never really had to admit "fault". His parents very controlling etc have blamed me for the A's...Ya know the old school thought of if I were a better wife etc etc.<P>I was a great wife who put up with a lot of control & loneliness only to find out because my husband was such a poor communicator that I was the last one to find out how unhappy his whole life has been<P>It's hard to imagine my life in the future...yeah I'll feel good about myself for forgiving, for showing my H & my family what "love" really is. But I will always have a hole in my heart...one that my H does not have. <P>I don't know about any of you..it just doesn't seem fair.<BR>

Help....<P>Can't seem to deal with Plan A...<P>Gorgeous, well off "old" friend has asked me out. I have no physical feelings for him, but would like to know if what I think I feel for my H (WS) is real or just habit.<P>I'm tired of feeling like I've settled.<P>Married 16yrs H had affairs for 13yrs.....<BR>I'm not sure he ever really loved me.<P>Don't I deserve a chance to figure out my feelings before I recommit to another 16 year???????<P>Orchid...I know what you're going to say. But try & see my side.

^

Louser,<BR>I've felt the same as you. My H has only had 1 A (that I know of), and I'm tired of doing all the good stuff, only to find out later that he's still lying. I would love to have someone show me some affection and have thought about going out to a bar to get some. That being said, DON'T DO IT!!! You do NOT need to complicate the situation any more than it already is. If some day you END things with your H, then think long and hard about letting someone into your life. Don't get entangled into anything before you know without a shadow of a doubt that it is NEVER going to work out with your H. If you didn't think you had a chance to have a better marriage, I don't think you'd be posting on this site. Just my humble opinion. Take it for what it's worth.

<B>Orchid..we are in counseling & the counselor is Great !! We both really like him. Biggest problem is that my H was brought up to believe that he is perfect & has never really had to admit "fault".</B><BR>He may never admit fault. <P><B>Gorgeous, well off "old" friend has asked me out. I have no physical feelings for him, but would like to know if what I think I feel for my H (WS) is real or just habit.</B><BR>Aren’t you married. Didn’t think what your h did was wrong? You will be in EXACTLY the same place he was!<P>What you are feeling is normal after what you have been through. You got everything you asked for and now you feel, “is that all?” Why do I feel so bad?”<P>As Orchid said, “You and your H need a recovery plan and quick!!!!“<BR>Not “counseling“ to talk about your childhood, your parents and the affair.<P>You need an <B>firm action plan</B> to get over the resentment & bring back the love & intimacy you once had for each other. I too suggest you set an appt with Steve or Jennifer Harley IMMEDIATELY!<BR><P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

Hi L,<P>You are very very vulnerable right now. I am tempted to ask you what you think I would say. It would be 'fun' to hear but I think you need more support than I need fun at this moment. <P>Hon, your love bank is draining and fast. I was at that point, ask around. Back in Feb, March and April. Oh, boy I got madder and madder and madder. I even did a thread on, here read this you may feel better. You are definitely farther down the road to recovery than I was at that time:<P> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/008463.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/008463.html</A> <P>Read the responses. Terri sent info on plan vs plan b. Remember now I felt like I had it. Didn't want to play any more. Believe it or not, this was not my worst one. There were others. <P>The point is to show that the frustration level can get high and strong. You are not weird or alone in this matter. I too felt like I had reached the end of my rope. No real points to measure. Yet look at where I am. If there is to be a full reconciliation it is because both of us are working on it. Yes, H is turning around, his anger no longer shows up against me. When it does, I gently remind him and he simmers down fairly quickly. That is work in process. <P>So, step back and take a look at the whole picture. If you want to throw in the proverbial towel, you have that right. Are you ready for the repercussions? <P>There, is that what you thought I was going to say? <P>L. <P>