My husband of 18 yrs wants to work on our marriage. we get along ok now-ever since I started asking for a divorce.But now i question whether or not I should go thru with it. This led me to this site.<P>I guess the whole thing boils down to is my total lack of trust of him-not just with women but with my head too. Lately he has not cheated-I really don't think he will now, but the other head games hurt me way too much.<P>These are some of the facts about him:<BR>- He has never said he's sorry. Even now he states he would if there were anything to apologize for, but he never did anything wrong.(I'm even talking about something minor like forgetting a b-day-he was too busy-not his fault-again!)<BR>- He never compliments me on anything. He will tell me when I don't do anything right, but when I do something right he says nothing.(looks, clothing, cooking, etc)<BR>-He has never admitted to cheating, even though I've heard it from many different sources. I left him once over this but he never admitted it-I was wrong, people lie he says. <BR>-On several different occasion he hit me. He then told me it was my fault-I made him do it. When I talk about it now he says it never happened I WAS THERE!!! he did it, and now says he is not the type of person to do something like that. (this was not an everyday thing-maybe 5x in 18 yrs)<BR>-He has never been supportive of things I want to do.He wants me to be the woman behind the man-I can share in his success by making his home life happy and easy. When he's happy at home, he can do better at work.<P>I went for conseling alone the past year. This started because I was drinking a lot and had a one night stand with someone we both knew. I was shocked by my own behavior and scared myself. It was probably the best thing that happened-because I finally got help. I was told I'd been in a low grade depression for about ten years-not treatable by drugs but through making changes in my life.I had all the syptoms but never knew what was wrong with me. The conselor, who was a woman, said my H also verbally abuses me(keeping me down by using words) and her opinion is I'd be better off mentally it I left him. She has never met with him so I feel her opinion may be one sided.<P>I ended up confessing about the one night with the other man. I know how feeling so lo and unloved will make you do things you never thought you could do. It took me a long time to get to this lo point and as I told my H I never want to go back to that. He forgave me very quickly and said we should never talk about it again.I was very honest with him-I told the truth. But all those questions and rumors about my H BUGGED me even more.I started bringing them up again. I wanted him to tell me the truth one once. I swore I'd start over with him if he could clear up these questions in my head.He denied everything again. and again and again. If he truly is innocent then I put him thru hell with my badgering. But he has made so many slip up statements and has strange theories on things that I still can't believe him. He knows that since I never caught him In the act that there is no concrete proof.<P>I'm at the point where I know h'ell never confess to any affair. H'ell never change. If I continue to stay with him, eventually this honeymoon period where he''ll do anything to win me back will fade and he'll go back to the way he was before-very critical-very joyless.he still tells me I don't know the "right " way to think. This gets in my head and confuses me further. I'm very tired of holding out on what he wants.It would be easier for now to continue with the marriage, but I really worry about my sanity in the long run. It is a constant battle to tell yourself you are right no matter how many times you've been told you're wrong. <P>I guess my question after this long post, if anyone is still here, what should I do? I really don't think I'm this untrusting person who pick on him as he says I am.<BR>

Carrie, it sounds like you're in a tough position. You say your H will never change. People are changing all the time. You can't change him, but you can change you.<P>Read the materials on this site. Get Surviving the Affair & His Needs Her Needs.<P>Other great books:<BR>Divorce Busting by Weiner-Davis<BR>How to Change Your Man "<BR>The Five Love Languages by Chapman<BR>Light His Fire by Kriedman<P>All these will help you see your problem areas and, even if you have no help from your H, will help you get a handle on what is going on with him.<P>Good luck<BR><P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Do not get tired of doing what is right, for after awhile you will reap a harvest of blessings if you do not get discouraged and give up. (Gal 6:9)<P>

Alot of people here will tell you that if you have a feeling then it's probably true. I don't subscribe to this theory, but in this case I might agree with them.<P>You sound lost and confused and he sounds like he's in denial. Of everything. If the abuse is unintentional then I say try and fix it. Read "Divorce Busting" I am half way through it, it's got good info in it. If the abuse is intentional then get out. You are the one who needs to decide this. I don't know how myself, sorry. Read, listen, and learn. You'll find what you are looking for.<P>------------------<BR>1Co:2:4: And my speech and my preaching was not with enticing words of man's wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power:<BR>1Co:2:5: That your faith should not stand in the wisdom of men, but in the power of God.

I don't think he does it purposely, the verbal thing,but hit's part of his personality. He does this to our kids too.<P>I really think the best thing for me is to go thru with divorce, but I keep feeling pity for him.He says he's totally innocent of all charges and I'm too willing to accuse him of everything under the sun.