Hi guys!<P>I feel better today. Thank you all for your comments yesterday and for being there when I needed a cyber-shoulder to cry on. I'm still hanging in there for the long fight. I know that if I want God to move in my life, I have to step aside, and truly believe I already have the victory that I am praying for. I am claiming that victory today.<P>I stayed away from my house last night so H couldn't see me or the kids. I needed a break from that. I went to visit my brother in the hospital, who is dying unless God steps in and heals him. He was so thin. He can't move or talk, but he has his cognitive abilities. My baby was sitting up beside him and kept playing with his face. It really cheered him up. After that, I visited my parents, and played dominoes until about 9 pm., then we went home. Apparently H had been there 3 times to try to see the kids, but we weren't there. He didn't even page, or anything, to try to find out about them. Oh well, his loss.<P>Anyway, he came by this AM, as usual, to get dressed for work. I don't know why he has to come by to get dressed - he pays rent now at his brother's apartment. He could get dressed there. I guess it's just an excuse for him to see the baby. He seemed to realize this AM that if he stays gone, the baby is not going to be as close to him or love him like his older sons do. I've told him that several times - tried to make him realize that if I end up with someone else while the baby is young, the baby will identify with that person more. Maybe he's really thinking about that right now. Don't know...<P>Anyway, I can't change him. I'm through asking him to come home. I'm through stressing out over this (at least today - who knows what tomorrow may bring). Satan has invaded my thoughts one too many times, and I've had it. Satan will not win. God has already won - it'll be in His time, whether I like it or not. I'm too tired to fight anymore, so I have to let Jesus carry me through this.<P>I know my lack of feeling for him right now is due to the anti-depressants, and I guess I'll just enjoy not caring right now. I'll do what I want with myself, Plan A him when he comes around, and move on with my life.<P>Just a question... should I be pursuing him to Plan A him, or just do it when there is opportunity?<P>Please advise me on this.<P>Well, I feel much better today. Thank you all for being there!<P>Love you all!<BR>TIG

Pursue to Plan A, or just when there's an opportunity?<P>I assume you mean pursue to fill ENs? or to demonstrate your Plan A improvements?<P>IMO, this needs to be balanced. Steve told me to feel my way on this. Pursuit is OK until you start to smother them or until they back away. You know what I mean.<P>There are "softer" ways to show your love, e.g., with cards or letters. A lot of WSs have said this meant a lot to them.<P>Please consider putting a priority on demonstrating your improvements if you have to trade off this with filling ENs. The goal is to counter their excuses for having the affair. If you get acknowledgement - terrific! But even if you don't, it sinks in over time.<P>Once you're confident you've demonstrated all you can, you can put higher priority on filling whatever ENs they let you - and these may be very few.<P>Good luck,<BR>WAT

TIG --<P>There's just one little thing that I would like to mention to you. And you can decide whether my point is valid or not.<P>Please try not to use your children (the baby). You've made some comments about trying to make him realize the baby won't love him like the older children do. And that if you end up with someone else, the baby will love that person more.<P>(I am not disputing that idea specifically -- it may or may not happen the way you are saying)<P>What I am suggesting to you is that it may be a big LB for you to be pointing that out to him. I think you need to let you H come to that conclusion on his own. It already sounds like he's concerned about it. For you to be forcing the idea on him might make him angry. It seems a little desperate to use his love for the kids to make him stay. (I'm trying to be careful of how I say that)<P>I know that you probably are actually feeling desperate. But using every weapon in your arsonal to try to make him stay is a LB for lots of WS. <P>Please just be aware.<P><BR>

Lexxy,<P>I appreciate your input. I am careful to try not to use my children, but their feelings in this are more important than ours. I'm sorry, but I feel that when there are kids involved, you should do anything and everything to try to keep the family together, no matter what your personal sacrifice is. My H has always agreed with this, until his recent "situation". Now he's trying to convince himself that he will have the same relationship with his children that he always has had. He thinks that I'm going to be able to have him in my life as my best friend, he can come and go as he pleases, and we can see other people, and get remarried if we want. He has fooled himself into thinking this is a "workable" solution. I have calmly informed him that if he decides to divorce (which he isn't sure of yet), I will not be able to have him around me at all. He will only get to see the kids at his designated times, at least until I am over him. I've told him that once I'm over him, I may change and ease up on visitation, etc., but until that time (and I'm sure it will take a long while), I will have to be firm.<P>We discussed the baby's situation together. He, once again, tries to convince himself that he can be as close to the baby as he was his other children. That's simply not possible. He knows this from his 5 brothers that have gone through divorce. He knows that none of them have a very good relationship with their children, even though they tried to through visitation, etc. Once another man has entered the picture, and if that other person is a good person, those children tend to identify with that man more. It's just a simple fact of life.<P>I did not push this on him today. He brought it up. He said he is coming tha that realization that I am right - that he won't be able to have the same strong relationship with the baby. I didn't say anything until he pushed me for a response, and then I agreed with him.<P>Do I believe the marriage should be saved just for the kids? DEFINITELY! Do I believe love can and will come back? DEFINITELY! I believe you can choose to love someone, and if you make that choice and surrender your heart, it will come. I don't just believe it, I know it. But you have to be willing.<P>My H and I are and were best friends, we have 3 kids, and we had a good life together. We have alot more going for us than many people who have gone through this, and more reasons than many people to make it work. <P>Once again, thank you for your input, but I was very careful not to LB with this realization of his.<P>God bless you!<BR>TIG

TIG,<BR>Good for you. Your post today is far more focused than yesterday's.<P>Even in Plan A, you don't have to be at your H's beck & call, meaning you don't have to sit home or by the phone. It is perfectly ok to go on and see friends, relatives if your H hasn't made prior, specific plans to see you.<P>It's part of the reality that he has currently chosen. He moved out, your life goes on. It's good to make it as normal as you can for your kids, doing what is usual for you.<P>Sometimes when I shared the details of an outing with my H, I could see how much he wished he had been there.<P>Separation does change things, he will realize it sooner or later. I think there may be a perception on the WS that if they aren't in the home, everything is on hold--frozen in time. Of course it isn't. Kids do new stuff, their personalities develop all the time, you get the inside family jokes--that he has chosen not to be part of in the same way as he had.<P>As for Plan A, like WAT says, kind of play it by ear. Certainly if you see him, talk to him at his initiation, be very pleasant. If you legitamately need to call him about the kids or scheduling, do so. If you want to send a card, email, go ahead. AVoid late night, teary phone calls--it will make him feel guilty, and rather than draw close, he may just avoid you to avoid the negative consequences of his behavior.<P>You do have good reasons to do your part to make reconciliation possible. Keep that at the top of your mind.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Whatever is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, gracious...think about these things." Phil 4:8

You do sound better today...but we all have those days...just thank God for MB. <P>As for pursuing him in Plan A....I found I didn't have to...backing off changed the status quo and he didn't like the change...so he began to make more effort to make occasions to be with me...for whatever reason he found plausible in his "foggy" brain. Just be careful with this as it can sometimes be a trigger to push you back into the mold they want you to fit....the dutiful wife sitting at home, just waiting for them to give them a little time...like Lor said "thinking that time will stop while they're done". As Lostva (the queen of Plan A...if you haven't read her posts, please do a search on her name and read, read, read....it will be well worth the time) was so successful in doing...keep him informed when you have the chance of the day-to-day activities (let him know what he's missing)...without actually telling him what he's missing or will be missing.<P>Now that my WH's brain has begun to clear that is what he is missing....the everyday stuff...like reading...good conversation...the comforts of home....clean clothes (she doesn't have time to do this)...and I'm sure for your WH...being with his kids on a day to day basis. Lostva even wrote her WH short letters filled with this kind of stuff.<P>Stepping back will give you renewed energy to recommit to your Plan A. Use the time to reaquaint yourself with MB and how to better impliment the principles in your marriage. It's a far better use of your time then just crying and moping. I know...I've cried a river of tears in the last year but very few in the last few months....I'm myself again and I'll never go back to that insecure, pitiful creature that WH made me at first. God speed.<P>Faye<P><BR>

Dear TIG,<P>Your post sounded good. You are in better spirits than I am today. Good. I am happy for you. You are also getting good support. <P>Finally realizing we can't change them, hurts but is noteworthy progress. From there our focus clears and we are able to concentrate on the real issues of ourselves and our families. The WS may be in the very selfish mode but the BS can not afford to be in that mode. <P>It is sad that the WS gets to choose but in most cases the BS has to live with the residual effects of the WS's choices. Unfortunately that is life as it stands. This makes some WSs a bit cauky and sarcastic with their actions and statements. As much as possible, ignore their stupidity. We would ignore that type of conduct from anyone else. <P>Go on and take care of your and your children. They need to receive your love and attention and you need theirs as well. <P>Writing this is making me reflect so I need to go think about the good advice you have been given by the others and reflect on my own words. <P>Take care, <BR>L. <BR>

TIG<P>Your story is a replica of mine. My H also comes over in the morning to see our kids off to school. He had now started talking about coming over at night to help with homework. It seems like he wants to have his cake and eat it too. I've told him don't expect me to be your best friend after the betrayal he has inflicted on this family. As much as I would like hime to come over at night (at least he's not with OW), it hurts me and the kids when he leaves. It think it's better that he does not come at night. I don't know how to tell him that I don't want him to come over. It is not very comforting to know that if we D, I have to have contact w/ him for the rest of my life.