Are we competing for our marriages? <P>OW wants my life. She is fixing her hair and nails like mine. <P>I've lost weight and dress in revealing clothing. <BR>H accused me of competing. <P>Is that what this is all about? The BS try to fulfill WS ENs, as we hope OP will LB and discontinue satisfying ENs.<BR>Does the competition ever stop after we are in recovery? Or should we always feel this way? <P>This attitude may keep our spouses interested in us...<P>Just a thought. H brought up the idea during a conversation over the weekend.

M,<BR>My H and I are in recovery. I don't even think of it as competition. Recovery can only truly begin when the fog is lifted and the WS is ready to work on their marriage. While the initial withdrawal period is hard and may seem like competition, once that is over, so is thoughts of competing. Or at least the is how it was for me, the WS in my marriage.<P>Now that we are in recovery fulltime, I don't think about the OM much and never in terms of competing as who is better or that. At least for me each man was different and met different needs. But my H is the best man. And I'm very lucky he chose to save our marriage.<P>Debbie<P>------------------<BR>"I find the great thing in the world is not so much where we stand, as in what direction we are moving. To reach the port of heaven, we must sail sometimes with the wind and sometimes against it ---- but we must sail, not drift nor lie at anchor." Oliver Wendall Holmes

Wow, Debbie, if only my wife and I were at the point where she could say what you just said. But alas, she is still in the fog. And yes, I do feel like I am competing with the OM. It's not fair, and even seems impossible, but that's just how things are. I am trying to be the man she wants, and the OM is just being himself, and my wife thinks about him, even when she is with me.<P>I've lost weight, and started to work out. I bought new clothes and I dress well. I have been a gentleman and a comedian. Am I competing? Maybe. But I don't think about it that way. I don't give a crap what the OM is doing, I'm not doing what I'm doing to compete with him. I'm doing it to make myself the best I can be. The most attractive I can be, and the most fulfilling that I can be.<P>All I am hoping is that my efforts are good enough to bring her out of the fog to where we can really start working on our problems.<P>Debbie, thank you SO much for your post. I promise you, you have NO idea how much hope it has given me to hear that from a WW.

I never felt in competition w/OW. I had no idea what she looked like but I did know from surveillance efforts that she was heavily into hard core sex as a manipulation tactic.<P>From what I learned, I felt OW was somewhat more desperate for my H as opposed to being "in-love" with him. <P>All I did in Plan A was be a better me. I found myself acting like I did when we were first living together and first married. Doing things to please him which then pleased me as well. So I don't feel I ever competed with OW. I think mainly I just tried to love my H as best I could hoping he'd see that I was that person he wanted to marry again.<P>Jo