Hello everyone...I have not been reading here for very long, but you all seem like such a knowlegable and compassionate bunch and I think you all can help me.<P>I am 29 years old and have been married for 3 years. This is a second marriage for both my husband and myself (our first marriages were the mistakes of teenagers). My problem is kind of complicated...you see, for the first 2 years that my husband an I were together, we had a wonderful sex life. But then I had to have surgery, and my sex drive went downhill. I am only now starting to have the desire to make love again. The problem is, I think that I am 'too late'. I fear my husband is having an affair...or that he has somehow cut himself off from me emotionally. Home life has been very hectic the last few months (2 family members have passed away, some money problems, etc), and I feel as though I am waking up in a sense....like there has been a problem for awhile now, but I am just now seeing it. Last night I went to bed and initiated sex...my husband did not object, but he seemed detached. As though he were only going through the motions. He kept his eyes closed when we kissed, and as we made love...and he has never done that before. Another thing that really concerns me is that he went to a football game with some friends from work last weekend, and then out for a few drinks. This in itself did not bother me, but the fact that he took his work pager with him did. You see, every Friday he takes off his work pager and leaves it in his company truck so he won't be bothered. This particular Friday night, he wore it when he went out, and that is very unusual. I asked him about it later, and he said that he wore it so I could get ahold of him if I needed to. For some reason, I don't buy it. I just feel deep inside of my heart that something isn't right. I even asked him if he was having an affair...his answer was this "When do I have time to have an affair?"<P>I need help...advice...hints on how to know if your husband is cheating...anything.<BR>Thank you all so much for reading this.<P>Gabbie

Someone?? Anyone?? Please

I can see this is your first post to this board.<P>Let me welcome you. <P>You've come to a vey good place. The people here are both betrayed and betrayers and the occasional Other Person/Woman/Man (OP/OW/OM).<P>I, and many others can understand the hurt and the confusion you feel. We've all been through it from one angle or another. Don't feel your alone. You are definitely not alone. The bad news is that all too often your instincts of an affair are right. <P><BR>Now for some help. You have reached a stage, because your posting here, were you are reaching out. Let me first recommend to go to the home page of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com" TARGET=_blank>www.marriagebuilders.com</A> and read as many of the articles as you can... Of<BR>VERY great importance read (from the left side of the home page) about Plan A and Plan B. There is alot of dicussion of how these approaches recommended and espoused by Dr. Harley can help you... if not to save your marriage.. then to keep perspective and live again.<P>You need to do some self assessment too!<P>I would strongly recommend some of Dr. Harley's books to you... first and foremost "Surviving an Affair"... there are some explanations in this site... but you've got to get this book. If you look in the "bookstore" pages there are other books you can get later... and many people here will make other good(Great) recommendations. <P>We here, can and want to be a source of help to everyone who is or will experience what we have. There is alot of love... and patience here... there is also alot of honesty.<P>Please come back often...<P>Jim<BR>------------------<BR>I can dare myself... I'll put a pebble in my shoe...<BR>I can walk... I can walk! I shall call the pebble Dare...<BR>Dare shall be carried... And when we both have had enough<BR>I will take him from my shoe, singing... "Meet your new road!"...<BR>Finally glad... Finally glad... That you are here... By my side...

Gabby, my H and I had been married 24 years when I "sensed" there was something amiss. The closing of eyes, lack of initiation of sex, detachment, etc. -- Yes those were signs I ignored and like you, I just kind of woke up one day and realized what was going on. Go immediately to Plan A -- get Dr. Harley's book "Surviving an Affair". Make home a safe and loving place. You can do this without feeling like a doormat. I didn't do that at first, I wasn't aware of the Harley method. I screamed, yelled, etc, etc, at first. It was a fightfest. Please don't do that. It only makes matters worse and justifies their actions in their minds. Be a loving wife. Take care of yourself during this time. It will help you to cope with the roller coaster ride you are about to embark on.<P>My H and I eventually seperated, but I feel for the first time in over a year there is hope for us.<P>My prayers are with you.

Jim (May I call you Jim?)...<P>Thank you for responding...<P>Believe me, I have been assessing myself for weeks. I know that I have not been the perfect wife by any stretch of the imagination. I have been faithful...always faithful...never a thought in my mind about another person. But I have let my husband down in other ways. First and foremost, in the physical contact area, which is so important to him. It's kind of strange actually, but awhile back I asked him to write me a list of his needs..from most important down...and he did that for me. I just wanted to make sure that I was meeting all of his needs...so I am not so sure he would fill out the emotional needs questionaire any differently than he wrote his list for me. I am afraid to tell him about this site right now. As of last night, he is still denying any problems or involvement with another woman. Sometimes I think that maybe it's all in my head. You see, I have lost a lot of self esteem, as I have gained so much weight during the last year or so. At this point I am dieting and have lost 10 pounds so far, but I don't feel attractive at all. My husband has always told me that I am beautiful, even at my present weight, and never before have we had sexual problems...it was just last night that I really felt something was wrong with our sex life. I have felt like something is wrong in other aspects of our marriage for a few weeks, though.<P>I just don't know what to do. I know to trust my instincts...but this one is so far out there...or maybe I am just in denial...I don't know. <P>He called a little bit ago, but I was outside and didnt hear the phone..he left a messege and before he hung up he said 'See ya" not "I love you" like he normally would. I'm so depressed!

Janie,<P>Thank you for responding. I am feeling so out of it right now. I don't want to believe that this could be happening to us.<P>What exactly is Plan A? I would love to get the book you told me to get, but at this point I cannot afford it. Being a full time housewife and mom is a wonderful thing, but living on one paycheck is hard.<P>Would you mind giving me an overview of Plan A? Tell me exactly what I need to do...and exactly what I shouldn't do?<P>Thank you so much!<P>Gabbie

Welcome <BR>Your H may or may not be having an affair. He could be, he could be wavering on one, or you may be dealing with real problems within your own relationship. It is commen to deny an affair. <P>Your depression and fear are probibly making the problem worse rather than better, so right now you feel you are in a downward spiral. Your H may feel that way, too.<P>Real all you can. I think you are defining your problems, and your contribution to where you are at, and that is half the battle.<P>Realize you can not control another person. You can not "make" them tell you the truth. You can work on yourself and learn all you can. This is a great place for support.<P>This hurts big time. If your H is in an affair, it is terrible. It even hurts to confront your own problems. So expect pain, but if you continue to grow and learn through the experience, you will be better off in the end.<P><P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Gabbie, <P>Welcome. I hope your stay here will be short. I hope your husband is NOT having an affair and I hope this issue in your marriage can be quickly resolved. <P>I suggest you read this site thoroughly. Not just the posts in the infidelity forum, but the material in the site. I also suggest you start reading all the books on marriage and relationships that you can. <P>It's easy to mistake small signs as being significant marriage problems. But, if they do make you uncomfortable or feel something is a miss then you should certainly make your feelings known to your husband. So many of us here drifted a part from our spouses that we missed those small signs. Things unsaid can turn into some thing significant.<P>I pray you will never experience the trauma many of us have felt and are feeling due to the this insidious monster called infidelity. <P>Initiating a Plan A approach is always a good thing and it will help in most all cases; especially if you are at the very beginning of a marriage problem. Nip it in the bud as they say. <P>I think his response is normal for a couple in a hetic lifestyle. It is probably something I would have said a couple of years ago if my wife asked me that question. Don't be too paranoid if there isn't much evidence. perhaps you to are drifting apart and thankfully you are waking up a a very good time. <P>Make your marriage a priority in your life. For me, everything else seems meaningless right now. So, give your marriage the attention it deserves.<P>God Bless, <P>SHA<P>------------------<BR>There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved. <P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by Sir Hurts Alot (edited November 10, 1999).]

Gabbie,<P>Yes, you can call me Jim... (it's not my real name... but it is the name everyone knows me by)<P>Even though you are financially strapped... you've got to get the book... it is less than $20.00... until then... click here on <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>What are Plan A and Plan B?</A><P>Jim

Hi Gabbie:<BR>I am sorry this terrible thing may be happening to you...I wish I could tell assure <BR>you that your husband is being faithful and not to worry about this...but...it is important to pay attention to our valuable<BR>"women's intuation"...and subtle signs...I ignored the signs...even comments made by my own mother and daughter (six months ago my 16 year old daughter commented "do you think daddy is having an affair with "XXXXX ?") I said "no, of course not, you must be crazy".<BR>But she was right. She worked for him and when she spoke with him she was as sweet as pie, they stayed late after work for hours (he would tell me they had late appointments) but never did I once take a drive to the place to find out more about these "late appointments"....I trusted him....then...since they both had Mondays off and the kids were at school and I was at work he would go to her apartment....finally.....the puzzle came together....and God opened up my eyes.....we are now in recovery.....things are going wonderfully.....she had to leave the job because I made it hell for him, every day.....I confronted her.....she had no choice but to go....of course...I am no longer relaxed about what he does, where he goes, about what type of contact he may still have with her or with other women......I think the mistake I made was to relax too much in the marriage and assume that he would never do that to me.....but he did...........never assume anything in life......never take it for granted that he is all yours.......you may be sharing him and never know......some husbands (and wifes) are skilled liars and after a while they will start believing their own lies......just so that they can keep up the double life.......

Pls. refer to Jim's response where you can click to Plan A and Plan B. I can relate to the "see ya" on the answering machine. One of the first things I honed in on. My H also denied involvement with anyone for a very, very long time. <P>Read Plan A information, try to meet his needs without "lovebusting" (doing those things that irritate or anger him,judging him, making demands, etc.) Be the best you can be not only for him, but for you.<P>First and foremost -- take care of you. That advice gets old, but it's a major way of getting through this.

Hi Gabbie<BR>I too am new to this forum - and I am also a victim of my h's infidelity. I cannot stress enough what has already been said - if you feel like something is going on, trust your instincts because something probably is. You know your husband well enough I'm sure to notice behaviour changes. This is a big sign. I also agree that he may not be having an affair YET but may be looking elsewhere for "something". The marriage builders website is totally amazing and has helped me soooooo much from helping me figure out the signs of an affair to helping me cope once I found out! Please take the time to check it out thoroughly (and the bonus thing is it's free!). I also agree with the advice to keep home pleasant and safe for him to come home to. You feel like you've separated yourself physically from him for too long - but it's never too long - as long as you focus on what it is that you love about him and show him. What men usually say they are looking for (other than the obvious) is someone to talk to. Try asking him how his day was. When you get the umph answer, try asking again was it good, bad, anything exciting happen etc. Men also want their spouses to be confident and secure with themselves. I also struggle with the weight thing and can totally relate to the low self esteem issue, but try to focus on the things he loved you for in the first place. I'm sure it wasn't just for your body. If you are confident and "happy" he will want to be around you. Men also like someone to do things "recreationally" with them. What are his interests? Are there any that interest you? If not, are there any you could at least tolerate for the sake of being together. You might actually surprise yourself. And doing more things together gives you lots to talk about and reflect on. And figure this - the more time you spend with him, the less time he'll have to spend thinking about someone else.<BR>Keep initiating the sex if that's what you want. I'm sure since it's been awhile it will take both of you to get back into it emotionally and physically. If he wants to close his eyes, close yours. If he wants to take his pager out with him, call him on it "just to say hi".<BR> Having said all this, still be on your guard. Just because you try doesn't mean there isn't someone else out there trying also.... You're right to ask questions, it's perfectly normal for him to lie and deny if he's actually doing something. It's most common for the cheater to make you sound as if you're paranoid, insecure, and a nag - how dare you think that of him? But if he's giving you reason to doubt, then you are totally entitled to ask... you are, after all, his wife. And if he's innocent, he should be flattered that you love him so much that you want him all to yourself.<BR> I wish you well and hope that you read the marriagebuilders.com website to educate yourself and it will give you the confidence you need to work through this situation - all of it!!

Thanks to all of you for responding...I really appreciate it.<P>Today was kind of strange. My husband called me around 1:00 and asked me if I could pick him up at the tire shop...he had to have some work done on the company truck. Of course I was more than happy to meet him that early in the day. When we got home, I was cuddling on him, and trying to get frisky. He kept walking away from me...and when I asked him why, he said that he was trying to keep an eye on the kids outside playing (I can understand that). We talked for awhile...a nice conversation, actually. And before long, we were in the midst of a 'nooner'. (is there a way to make a 'blushing face' on here? ) <P>I just don't know what to think. He was aroused again just a little bit ago, and we made love again. He is in bed now, and like a ninny I am here on the computer, but I am waiting for our son to settle down for the night and go to sleep. Hubby told me tonight that I am the most beautiful woman he has ever seen...and he looked into my eyes when he said it...and I had no clothes on! I told him that I feel terrible about my weight, and he said "Honey, you're not fat, you're fluffy! And I love every fluffy inch of you!" I thought that was really sweet. <P>I know that he has a lot on his mind lately...his father's death, a court case involving his ex-wife and child support, his grandmother's death, 10-12 hour days at work, and then work around here to do on the weekends (we are remodeling) plus, his job is really getting to him...he was recently promoted to one of the highest positions in his company, and the added pressure is starting to get to him. Maybe that's why he is so distant...maybe I am making a mountain out of a mole hill...I don't know...<P>What other things should I be looking for that would be indicative of an affair?<P>Thanks again everyone...your words today have kept me from going totally insane.<P>Gabbie