How can I stop LBing when I'm not doing it?<P>Over the weekend ,my WH got mad at me because the children were acting up at a picnic. What could I do? They are young too and don't understand fully what is going on.<P>Last night, my H and I were involved in private conversation fifteen minutes before he had to return to work,when the phone rang. It was our accountant. Well I spent more than fifteen minutes on the phone. He got mad. He said I should have told them ,that I would call them back ,later. I didn't think of it. <P>My parents don't know the situation eother and they have excellent timing ,too. I had to lie to my mother last night and tell her that I'm going out tonight so that she doesn't come over. I hate lying to my parents. I hate lying ,period.<P>Does anyone have advice on what to do when everyone else around me is doing all of the LBing and H is taking out on me?<P>I wrote him aletter,but never gave it to him stating not to come over tonight if he is still mad at me. It hurts me to see him angry with me. Do you think I should give it to him?<P>I just feel like I can't do anything right. And things that I don't even do,is my fault. Please help.

Know that your H is in a very angry place right now...everything MAY seem like a love bust...I remember, in the beginning, worrying too about the children, his mom...everyone...<P>But...I learned about the circle of control...I can only control me...I have to give up everything else...the children, his mom, HIM...and trust...<P>Oh, trust is SOOO hard...<P>AND, I have learned that I cannot take anything personally...what H is going through IS NOT ABOUT ME...it is about him...his bad, if you will...<P>I still have 'my moments,' but I keep these thoughts in my head...count to 1000, 2000...whatever it takes AND I CHANGE MY THOUGHTS AND REACTIONS...sloooooooooooooowly, he is changing his reactions...I can't speak for his thoughts .<P>Peace,<BR>Cali<P>------------------<BR><I>Live Impeccably In Your Word.<BR>Don't Take Anything Personally.<BR>Make No Assumptions.<BR>Do Your Best Always. </I>

Hi M&J,<P>Ah.... yes to remember those anger days. I LB'd all the time even when I was not around. Go figure, H would actually have conversations with me (in his head, because I was at work) and then yell at me for it. Hm..... ya know like getting wapped on the side on the head and not know what hit you or why? <P>So I started to pay attention and then caught H in his trap. A couple of accusations were made when I was either at work or in another location with witnesses. Eye opener!?!?!? H admitted he was angry...... at himself and taking the blame out on me. Ok, so he knew this but would not stop or admit it. Another red light?!??! Yes, but me the giver kept trying to help until one day I just said, "no more". I told H (I think back in Feb), I would only accept the brunt of his anger when it was actually something I did, otherwise, if he was angry at himself, OW or someone else, I would not accept his anger towards me. He needed to keep that to himself. I would accept his anger 'after' he explained why he was angry in a civil and calm manner...... Believe it or not, the logic was to mind boggling that he agreed. The anger episodes have greatly subsided in that regard. It actually improved our relationship and I did not have to change the way I do business. <P>Just my take, this is a form of abuse and if allowed will continue forever (or at least it seems that way).<P>Just my 2 cents. <P>L. <BR>

I have a slightly different perspective....<P>Yes, there are some things that you can't control, and you just have to let go of. I completely agree with Cali and Orchid there.<P>BUT, perhaps...just maybe....your H feels that you don't pay attention to him, or that he is low on your list of priorities.<P>If he's getting ready to leave for work, and needs your attention...and you are on the phone...he's right, why didn't you tell the guy you'd call him back?<P>What you said to your H was that the phone call was more important than him at that moment.<P>One thing that I discovered about myself was that I don't take care of myself. I don't draw boundaries and I let other people walk all over me.<P>How did that affect my marriage?<P>Well, other people walking all over me also meant that my H got neglected. And whether or not it was TRUE, he FELT that he was unimportant to me.<P>I've learned to make sure that he knows that he is first on my list by my actions. I don't let other people make demands of me and my time, if I know that there is something my H needs that will be neglected. <P>Once I started drawing boundaries that protected both of us, then all of a sudden my H got a lot less resentful.<P>Don't get me wrong...I was doing my best all along to show love to my H. But it was missing the target so to speak, and so he wasn't feeling loved. Now that I learned to draw those boundaries to protect us both, he has started responding like a man who does feel loved.<P>I hope this helps.<P>------------------<BR><I>Pain is a given, misery is optional.</I>

Thanks for the post, everyone.<P>Bramblerose I think you maybe right on target with that. The two major ENs that weren't being met by me were conversation and admiration. I was too busy trying to start a career through night school so I wasn't there in the evenings to listen to and give him my attention. So he became second place in my life.<P>Thank you...

M&J,<P>I am not picking on you just trying to give you an alternate way to do business.<P>There is another option than lying to your mom. You could just say "I can't tonight mom. Something has come up. You know how important to me it is for you and me to spend time together so could we set up a different day before we hang up?"<P>I am not making a moral judgement here, but am hoping I can give you a way to become more assertive while still not hurting others' feelings.<P>MJ

Mrs Job and Bramble Rose, <P>You two are right on target. Bringing us around and putting thought and santity back in our minds. <P>Thanks for your insight. You are both right, our Ws's do need attention and respect, it is hard when they don't always give it to us but we still need to give it to them. And how we handle the others is just as important. <P>I really appreciated your thoughts. <P>You got some great advice here, M&J.<P>Mahalo,<BR>L.