The pressure cooker is really about to blow today. During our feedback session last night my W (WS) said that she would prefer if I didn't try to meet her need for conversation by asking or talking about her work. This is very difficult since she works out of the home during the day and then teaches or does community intervention work in the evenings/weekends. She is on the telephone a lot and most of the time she goes outside so she can talk in private. Her job really impacts our lives and she has an incredible passion for it so I'd like to share this with her.<P>Then when it comes to Family commitment and Domestic support she says that she doesn't want me to help do "her stuff" around the house like send out birthday cards to relatives, laundry, dishes, or clean bathrooms because it just makes her feel guilty and then she gets mad at me. Sorry but I think it is rude to continually be either missing the Godchildren's or nephew's birthdays or being a month late with gifts. Excuse me but I think that cleaning bathrooms once a month isn't going overboard (especially with 3 boys). Also, making sure that the kids have clothes put away in their room rather than left in the washer and dryer isn't asking too much is it? So why can't I help?<P>ARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH. How can I meet her most important needs when she doesn't want them met by me? What can I actually do that will make a difference? It's been 5 months since d-day and nearly 3 months talking with Steve.<BR>SG<BR>

This may not be the best option,but my WH would say "okay, I'll do my own laundry" or "cook my own meals".<P>I did it for him anyway.He would get mad at first and say "I told you I would do it." But he got over it.<P>I like how you put "her stuff" in quotes. You could tell her that it isn't all her responsibility. It's every member of the house hold and you want to do your share. <P>And idea is that there are other EN that could be met. Like admiration or affection(if your at that point).<P>Please get other's opinions...

To the top!!!!

M&J<P>Thanks for the bump and thoughts. Yeah, maybe she will get over to it and it will become a habit of mine to do more of these things so they are not considered "her work". <P>About meeting her other needs, well SF is off limits, she doesn't feel comfortable with me showing affection or expressing admiration. She has no interest in recreation (except with her students or reading), she says my Fam. Com. is just fine and I don't need to do anything to meet her needs for Dom. Support. She also says I bring in enough money and she doesn't need an attractive spouse (hey, she said it in her questionnaire). In addition, she says I'm Honest and Open (to a fault).<P>Ok, so this doesn't leave much room to work with does it? But, I keep trying to meet her needs as much as possible, just not to the point of over doing it. Still any advice would be welcome.<BR>SG

Hmmmm,<BR>Ya think she was being totally honest on the EN questionnaire? I mean, if the clothes are piled up on top of the appliances, then clearly, she needs help and just doesn't want to admit it.<P>I don't know SprayerGuy, interesting stuff here and I read your post from several days ago... My gut instinct says that if the immigrants have been away from their wives and families, they are probably all lovesick and horny in general. My guess is that they probably talk to your wife about how much they love, miss, and long for their spouses, etc.<P>I could be wrong, but maybe the OM spoke of his wife in such terms that your wife has never ever heard you speak of her? Perhaps you could tell her more often how sexy she is or looks--for no particular reason--just that she IS... Maybe you could tell her that her hair is pretty or how perfect her body is for you? Maybe you could make comments in jest about how those lonely guys who are missing their wives must really think she's hot--because YOU sure do! (?)<P>I don't know, maybe she needs to feel like you think she is totally hot, instead of her students coming on to her? I read your precise list of how you believe that you admire her and how it is all carefully planned. What if you veer off your list a little bit and give spontaneous comments about your admiration for her? It needs to come from deep inside--because if you don't feel it, you cannot force it. If you force it, she'll detect it. No matter how meticulously you rehearse it in your mind...<P>You know what I mean? Sometimes you just need to grab her and squeeze her and tell her she is so irresistable you couldn't help yourself! Then, just seduce her right there in the middle of the floor?! Get spontaneous and crazy if possible!! Step out of the box and surprise her--and yourself!<p>[This message has been edited by BINthereDUNthat (edited August 24, 2001).]

How about trying lots of non-sexual romantic gestures. Keep the house supplied with flowers, send her love (not sex) cards and letters, show her she is the most precious person in the world to you - but don't do it sexually since you said SF is off limits. Do the house hold chores you think need doing, but don't make it look like she has a need there. I can see how she would resent your "help" if it makes it look like you are doing it because she is not. The fact that household chores do not get done does not mean she has a need for domestic support.<P>Just my too bits from experience.<P>Blessings!!