I have had problems in the past with dishonesty and pornography addiction. I had some problems a few months after our marriage started, and they went on for about 6 months. I wanted to tell her so much, but I knew she would be hurt and angry. She felt she dragged it out of me, but when I finally did tell her about what I had done, we fought and she resented me for it for over a year. It took longer than that just to get back to normal. She punished me as hard as she could. I suffered so much, both by her and from my own guilt. I told myself that I would never be honest with her again, to protect myself. I also told myself that I was now strong enough, and that I would never do anything that I would have to tell her about. I wasn't. After a year and a half, we had a baby. The new baby took over my place in her life. I wasn't ready for the effects our baby would have on our life. We fought a lot, and I was so full of resentment, rejection and depression that I turned back to the internet for pornography. I kept it quiet for about 8 months, and then finally was able to stop myself. It's been 4 months now, and I've been trying to convince myself that I have to tell her about it. Very recently, with stress and depression I started my habits again again. I realize that it will never go away. I so want to be able to be honest with her, but I've been an "avoid trouble" liar for all my life. I was looking for answers and found this site. I read the Radical Policy of Honesty, and I want to use it in my life. I don't know how to start. I just don't know how I can tell her again. How can I admit that I lied after everything we went through before? She doesn't have compulsive behaviors, and she has no sympathy for those who do. She just doesn't understand. I keep imagining that she will punish me for more than a year this time, maybe for several. <P>I need to tell her, and start a life of honesty and openness. I can see that I can't ever be trusted, when I thought I could. I need to be able to tell her everything, and keep that channel open, regardless of whether I have bad or good things to discuss. It's just totally against my nature to be open, though. It's really hard for me to do. But I want to change. I can't do that until I've told her, though.<P>How can I tell her? I can't bring myself to say it, and I don't know what I would say. I've already told her that I don't lie to her anymore, when in fact I was. It's just so overwhelming, but I can't live with it any longer. I'm going to explode.

inbigtrouble,<BR>You said ---- <BR>It's just totally against my nature to be open, though. It's really hard for me to do. But I want to change. <P>Part of rebuilding any broken relationship is honesty. That doesn't mean you tell every single thought that comes to your mind, but you must not deceive the other party in the relationship if you want a healthy relationship.<P>You absolutely must take responsibility for this sin in your life. If you truly desire to get past it, you have to confess it, first to God. I think you may be ready this time to tackle this thing. I'll tell you a little secret, I used to have a pornography problem. After God convicted me in my sin (adultery), and I realized His death was for all my sins, He began to replace those desires with love for my husband instead of lust for the other man. Pronography only leads to more sin. I pray that you will cry out to God for an answer to this burden and today being to become the man God wants to make of you and that your wife and child so desperately need. I think once you settle it with God and receive His forgiveness you'll know how and when to tell your wife. Don't dwell on the punishment, imagine that you deserve it and pray for grace. Be bold enough to be honest, it really is much more freeing than lying! You can do it if you really want it.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by inbigtrouble:<BR><B>I'm going to explode.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Turn your computer off, pick it up, walk it to the trash can, and throw it away. When/if she asks you what you're doing, tell her.<P>Bob<P>

Hi InBigTrouble,<P>My H was an "avoid trouble" liar. I say "was" because we are now divorced.<P>My H kept telling me he wasn't lieing, like you have your wife. And every time he lied the lies became bigger and bigger, more damaging. He never really stopped, and he eventually started blaming me for his lieing.<P>So here's the deal ..... Someone has to stop the vicious cycle you and your wife are in:<P>~ You lie because your needs are not being met<BR>~ Your wife gets angry when she finds out you have lied and punishes you<BR>~ Your needs are still not met because she is angry so you continue to do things you have to lie about<BR>~ Guilt weighs on you and you want to tell her but you know she'll punish you and your needs still won't be met<P>Please sit down with your wife, and lovingly tell her everything. And by everything I mean tell her your needs are not being met and which needs those are. Do not hint, do not allude, just tell her. I would have given anything for my H to sit down with me and tell me what he needed or wanted - Radical Honesty, InBigTrouble. I would strongly suggest you do this in counseling to make it easier for you both. I would NOT do it one on one.<P>I'm sorry for your pain and I know what I'm suggesting for you to do is very frightening but, what is the alternative. I guarantee you things will only get worse. <P>Steve and Jen Harley are wonderful counselors and have delt with every facet of marital conflict. Their 1-800 number is posted under "Counsel" above. <P>Thank goodness you want to make your marriage better and have sought out help before things became too severe to fix.<P>Blessings,<BR>Jo<p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited August 24, 2001).]

I'm all for radical honesty and everything, but in your case, you know that telling your wife flat out would devastate her and then you would be punished for months on end. UGH!<P>I think if I were you, my approach would be to REPENT for once and for all before God, lay your heart and sins on the table and ask Him to help you, heal you, forgive you, and KEEP you on the right track of deliverance from porn (& masturbation?) Then, ask HIM how you could approach your wife about it. Then LISTEN for the answer...<P>Do you guys pray together? Perhaps you could bring it up as a prayer request so she can stand in faith together with you that you could maintain your deliverance from pornography. Explain it to her as it is a temptation that you are fighting on a regular basis as it seems she hasn't much time for you with the baby. Maybe even tell her that you even fight temptation to be jealous of the baby?? (Perhaps that is a reason why you are not more involved together with her and baby?)<P>Explain to her that her energy is all directed toward your kid and you feel neglected and when that feeling comes over you, you struggle with temptation to fulfill your sexual needs. Tell her that you don't WANT to look at porn, and you don't want any of your sexual energy to be spent outside of the marriage, and that you would rather be with her but you need her time and energy and help and prayers to stay on the right path. Tell her you want to be a better husband.<P>Ask her to help you? Tell her you need her help. Ask her if she is willing to help you and give you more time? How could she refuse? She's obviously a nurturing mom, why wouldn't she want to nurture you in this area? She has it in her, it sounds like!<P>Tell her you want her and you need her and that you've got to have her... What woman can refuse when her husband says he finds her irresistable???????????? GO FOR IT!

Kind of odd how some people are replying to this and are expecting to be taken seriously, when they sit there and call masturbation a sin. As for viewing porn on the internet, if there is something wrong with that, then most of the world is wrong I guess. Why stop yourself from doing the things that make you happy if they are within leal code of conduct (privacy of your own home). I think you should be as open and honest with your wife as possible, and tell her everything, including the fact that you ocassionally view pornography. If she has a probalem with that, in my opinion, she is the one in the wrong -- not allowing your needs (the rush you get from that, which can't come from anywhere else) to be met. Do what makes you happy, and try to get her to understand that. I really don't understand why so many people depreive themselves of happiness in this life, in hopes that they'll be rewarded for their abstinence from fun in some after-life. It's like closing your eyes during a movie in hopes they'll give you your money back afterward. Maybe they will, but you didn't enjoy the movie and wasted your time.

I tried to be open about some of my feelings today. I'm trying to test the waters a bit to see how my wife will react to my news. She got up in the night a lot and woke me up many times, which makes me very groggy the next day. I told her that I was really tired, and that I wanted to take a nap. She wanted me to go on a walk with her and the baby, and I always say okay. But today, I really didn't feel like going, and I told her so. It turned into a really big fight. I know that if I tell her about what I've done that it will be huge. It almost killed me the last time, and I just can't do it again. She overreacts to it so much. I wish so much that I could express negative feelings to her, and that she would understand me instead of get angry. That's part of our whole communication problem. She is an only child that always got her way, and I'm sure she feels no differently now. She very rarely feels like she has any fault in our fighting, and she feels that my pornography problem is "my" problem. She doesn't see it as something that we have to work with together, she sees it as something that "I can't do to her again".<P>It's just not going to work. I can't escape the feelings of guilt, but I can't face the pain she will cause me and the pain I will cause her. I'm totally in a state of withdrawal now, giving up on happiness.

inbigtrouble,<BR>I really don't have much to add, I think you got some good advice. You should definately be honest with your wife, I know it's hard but you can do it. I only wish my problem was catching my W looking at porn. Your W shouldn't be so hard on you, you're not a pervert, lots of people look at porn. I am semireligious and W and I look on rare occasion together, to spice up the sex life. Your W obviously is not as open to this type of stuff, but she should be working on your needs in order to prevent you from visiting the porn sights. You need to explain to her that you are trying to overcome this problem but you need her help and support. Good luck<P>Luckybutsad,<BR>I see your point, I don't find most porn to be sinful, my W and I agree on what is acceptable and not, we are also honest about it and check out porn not very often, but usually only together. On the other hand, if your spouce is totally against porn you should honor their views and respect their wishes, you can't just "do what makes you happy". Some married couples believe that it is ok for their spouce to sleep with other people outside of their marriage (Swingers) Others don't think that is acceptable, I am one of them, I am a BS. My W did what made her happy at the time and we are both dealing with it now. I think that if my W had a big problem with me looking at porn I would respect her wishes just as I have respected her wishes and I have not yet been unfaithful, I only wish the favor was returned. Sorry to disagree with you but I couldn't help myself. E