I haven't posted in awile, but i have been reading alot though. I have most of the Harley books and am currently on the third one. The more I read the more painfully aware I am of what i did to really create an enviroment for my H to have his A. At this point, I'm suprised he hasn't had more than one. Geezz. Talk about being slapped in the face in a sense of what I've done wrong. I basically drove him to it. I'm not as depressed as I was, just really more aware of my own actions, ya know what I mean?? I hope somebody out there can relate to me. I was far from perfect and so was he. Neither of us were meeting each others needs and we were at a point where we both were downright hurting each other. We really just existed together. Its sad when i really really look at it, our marriage. Two people who very much loved each other. Who turned into these people who could inflict so much harm on one another. I have been in plan A for almost 5 months. My H never left the house, he didn't want to. He stayed, but sometimes I think he really should have gone. The A didn't last that long and he never got completely hooked on her. Of course i still would like to slap her upside the head if i saw her, but that emotion is fading away too. I guess time does have a funny way of healing wounds. At least i'm feeling better in some respects. At first my H was very remoreseful, but as time goes on he's getting not. The one thing that bothers me about this whole thing is that my H never had to face ANY consequences for his actions. He knew if the ow would leave him he could just come back to me, say a few words and i would take him back no strings attached. I basically was like a dog and wet between my legs. Geezzzzzz. I was so desparate at the time i would have taken him back no matter what. I wouldn't today, you can bet on it. His life never really changed. He got his wife and kids back. He goes on with his life like nothing has happened, it was just a very big mistake he says. I'm like, MY entire life changed when you did that. I am no longer the same and i won't be. Part of me died the day he told me what had happened. I'm not saying things can't get better but they will never be the same. I am not as trusting, and i'm staring to figure out what I really want out of life. And whether I really want him in My life now. He has made no effort at this point to bring healing to me to him or us. He's been to one joint counseling session with Steve,a nd one by himself. he doesn't read anything On this site. He did however bring the quesionaiires with him when he left for work this week. Maybe thats a good sign. he still wants his single life when he is out of town, and he shows no sign of giving that up. He asked me to be totally honest with him, so i was. I said i have to choose every day to stay in this house with you and to be married to you for that day. He's like why??? I said because you are not actively doing anything to make me want to stay here with you. His resonse you ask??? he said any woman would be very thankful for what you have. I bought you a home, you have a nice truck to drive, you get to stay home with the kids, i give you money for food. blah,blah,blah. I told him those things do not spell love for me. There nice but that doesn't show me love. I told him what i needed and he's like whatever. So now i'm stuck in this limbo land. Wanting to just take my kids and leave. Through all of this I've kept my LBing to a minimum, which for me is good. Anyhow, any advice would be great. Tahnks Paytonrose
