( I'm sorry....I came back to delete this. Was having a rough time and just needed to write. I realize what I wrote would offer no positive support or encouragement to anyone here...and could do more harm in the long run. So I am here to delete it.)<P><p>[This message has been edited by lighthouse (edited August 24, 2001).]

If you don't want to throw away your marriage and living with your kids, don't continue what you are doing.<P>Stop contact with the OW.<P>Don't email, chat, phone. Just don't. Day by day--don't!<P>If OW contacts you, say "I'm sorry, our conversations are finished. Please don't contact me again." And hang up, or don't post a reply.<P>If you do want to throw away your marriage, keep doing exactly what you are doing and your marriage will fail.<P><BR><P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Whatever is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, gracious...think about these things." Phil 4:8

If you keep on doing what you always do you'll keep on getting what you always get.

So why don't you and the ow just get married? If all your reasons are sacrificial (to stay married), you aren't even married anyways (except on paper), you gave your heart to another. There is no point in denying your feelings, as you already know that cannot be done. All you can do is be sure you really know what your feelings are, and why. Many marriages are really more a matter of convienience and history than any real desire for the other as an intimate life partner. Some say love is a "decision" you are an example of the fallacy of that as an absolute. You can decide how to act (as in stay married but love another), but you cannot make your heart feel anything but what it wants to feel, and that is a complex place no one really understands. Still MB claims you can be behaviourally modified into an in-love for your spouse. So if that is what you want, then ACT on it, start harley counselling, applying MB principles, and institute extraordinary precautions (which will prevent contact with ow). The first thing you gotta do is change jobs (if you work together), and possibly relocate...far enuf away that physical contact is impossible without being caught. It isn't really that difficult a concept, so methinks you are crying a bit to much that it is so hard. Good Luck.... btw I am a ws and feel pretty much like you do (as does ow), so I can commiserate, is a very confusing place to be. My job is easier though cause she lives 2000 miles away, yours will be too when you do the same.

You're stuck between a rock and a hard place. A wife that you love (or you wouldn't be agonizing over this) and an OW that you love. You can't commit to OW, you can't commit to wife, you can't even commit to yourself. OK...so maybe someday you and OW will be together and live the life of your dreams..Ok...but, if you left this marriage now, without giving 100% to see if it could possibly be saved, how happy do you think you would be? And the same goes for her.... think about all the pain and hurt of spouses and kids...think about it..moving on to a new partner who wouldn't give 100% of herself to at least see if a marriage could be saved.<P>So you're not ready to commit to a lifetime...how about 6 months? Six months of applying the Harley principles 100% and trying to save your marriage.<P>What have you got to lose.<BR>T

Dear lighthouse,<P>You have already affected your future generations because you are an adulterer at heart... What does it matter if no one knows but you, OW, and God?! Who is your Judge? Your wife? No. Your kids? No. The Lord and Him alone... He sees and He knows.<P>You have created a soul-tie with this woman. You have directed so much energy outside of your marriage that you are already technically gone!<P>Why is leaving 'not an option' for you? I mean, if you are so addicted and in love??? How does a drug addict get cleaned up? There is no way around the pain of withdrawal. But it's only if you want to.<P>You don't cut it off because you don't want to. Would you rather wait until the cat's out of the bag and your dignity goes down the tubes in front of all your kids??? Once you lose that, it will be very difficult to retrieve.<P>Get out while you can spare your dignity. Out of sight, out of mind, you'll see?<P>Better yet, read what Harley has to say about Internet affairs... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5028_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>Infidelity on the Internet</A>

Hi Lighthouse,<P>I wish you would post and leave the post as it was. How else are you going to heal and get un-stuck, so to speak?<P>You could counsel with one of the Harleys. You could post here. You could have a male friend, either from this site or IRL to be accountable to. <P>You can do it! You just need some support. <P>I am sorry you are still going through this misery. I hope you take the steps to heal yourself (and your marriage) soon.<P>Take care.