A couple weeks after D-Day my H moved out to stay with his mom for 2 months to "figure out what he wants." He came back almost 3 weeks ago and did not say whether he was coming back to save our marriage or becasue he was kicked out of his mom's house. The first couple of days that he was home were awesome. He was loving to me and the kids and it looked like he truly wanted to be home and was willing to save our marriage. (he initiated SF and was passionate.) We went to joint counseling together and he told the counselor he was home to "see if this is where he wants to be." The counselor asked if he had a time limit and my H responded "this isn't really something you can put a time limit on."<P>OW was out of town the 2 months that he was living with his mom and she came back a couple days after he moved home. OW is a co-worker and needles to say he has had his mood swings since she has been back. I KNOW THE ANSWER is that they CANNOT work together. However, he is not willing to get a new job and I cannot push this ultimatum until he says he is ready to commit 100% to saving our marriage or until I go to Plan B. We are only 3 months past D-Day so I feel it is too early to Plan B. I have a few questions on what to do when I am in Plan A and he is still in limbo.<P>Even when he moved into his mom's we continued to date and he visited often. SF was very intense and was initiated by both of us. It was also very intense (and initiatied by him) the first few days he was home. Now he seems to be withdrawing and I seem to be doing almost all the initiating and things are not as passionate. As a WH who is in limbo what would you prefer me to do? Continue initiating or just leave him alone and let him come to me when he is ready?<P>Also, I've been trying to get a sitter on a weekly basis so that we can have some time alone. Sometimes he seems 'distant' when we are out on our dates. Is this something I should continue to do? <P>I also suggested 'communication night' one night a week where we had scheduled time to talk about where things are headed. However, after the first night I started hearing things I didn't want to hear so we have not done this since. (Yes, that discussion was mostly about him refusing to get a new job.) He has refused to go to our last joint counseling session.<P>I'm having a hard time figuring out when I need to give him space and when I need to fight for our marriage. Any suggestion would be great!!!<P>Heck

Before I start I would recommend you get other opinions...<P>Currently, any visual contact with OW could set your H into withdrawal...<P>During this time, you should try to be the person that your H would want to marry all over again...PLAN A...A word of caution, though you will probably not get any response from him on your plan A. <P>I would also recommend kicking communication night out the door! I would not even attempt to talk about the marriage or the A or the OW...at this point they are all LBs.<P>Hang in There...

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by heckofagal:<BR><B>A couple weeks after D-Day my H moved out to stay with his mom for 2 months to "figure out what he wants." He came back almost 3 weeks ago and did not say whether he was coming back to save our marriage or becasue he was kicked out of his mom's house. The first couple of days that he was home were awesome. He was loving to me and the kids and it looked like he truly wanted to be home and was willing to save our marriage. (he initiated SF and was passionate.) We went to joint counseling together and he told the counselor he was home to "see if this is where he wants to be." The counselor asked if he had a time limit and my H responded "this isn't really something you can put a time limit on."</B><P>I think its a good sign that he is home, living with mom or somewhere else is where he would be if he wanted something different.<P><B>OW was out of town the 2 months that he was living with his mom and she came back a couple days after he moved home. OW is a co-worker and needles to say he has had his mood swings since she has been back. I KNOW THE ANSWER is that they CANNOT work together. However, he is not willing to get a new job and I cannot push this ultimatum until he says he is ready to commit 100% to saving our marriage or until I go to Plan B. We are only 3 months past D-Day so I feel it is too early to Plan B. I have a few questions on what to do when I am in Plan A and he is still in limbo.</B><P>grrrr, he is not connecting her absense, the progress and then the downward slide this is so hard, he gets exactly the wrong message from this, he thinks its her re-appearance thats reminded him how things ARE! i dont know, plan a to me always had the extrordinary measures attached. <P>would the if its real it will survive a failed attempt to save your marriage tactic. that one thing the OW and I split terms on.. If what she and I had was real, if it was in fact love, then two things had to happen. <P>1. i had to prove that i was an honorable man worthy of trust so that i could live my life with her or anyone without that hanging over my head. to do that i knew i had to in honest give my marriage a 110% effort, and that ment i abided by the measures outlined in SAA. It wasnt enough that the OW trust me, my W had too. <P>2. My marriage had to be over before we saw each other again.<P>if it was love, the OW Would "love" him enough to know that was true. and she would want that as well.<P><B>Even when he moved into his mom's we continued to date and he visited often. SF was very intense and was initiated by both of us. It was also very intense (and initiatied by him) the first few days he was home. Now he seems to be withdrawing and I seem to be doing almost all the initiating and things are not as passionate. As a WH who is in limbo what would you prefer me to do? Continue initiating or just leave him alone and let him come to me when he is ready?</B><P>i think you do your best to keep this a special thing for you, no matter what, be aware of how you are feeling about SF. if you damage your ability to enjoy this it will take a very long time to recover. <P>I think that being active on this EN does have a tremendous impact on him. if he cant run the she doesnt do this or that script in his head, or the she's a b itch script it stops the negativity in a big way.<P><B>Also, I've been trying to get a sitter on a weekly basis so that we can have some time alone. Sometimes he seems 'distant' when we are out on our dates. Is this something I should continue to do? </B><P>undivided attention without LB"S GREAT PLAN!!! keep this up.<BR>be unphased by his distance, be alive and a delight to be around he will know who's dragging the night down. it will affect him as well.<P><B>I also suggested 'communication night' one night a week where we had scheduled time to talk about where things are headed. However, after the first night I started hearing things I didn't want to hear so we have not done this since. (Yes, that discussion was mostly about him refusing to get a new job.) He has refused to go to our last joint counseling session.</B><P>this is not a bad idea in concept, your not going to like this suggestion, but for the 5-6 weeks, make it one way, you keep your mouth zipped shut. this is about you hearing what he has to say, using that information to hone your plan A to a exact science! this will not be how you advance your EN's or what you want from him.<P><B>I'm having a hard time figuring out when I need to give him space and when I need to fight for our marriage. Any suggestion would be great!!!</B><P>well giving him space may be the same as fighting for your marriage, when he spends time away, he will feel the difference as you wont be there Plan Aing right. and it gives him the opportunity to reflect on himself. thats gereally a good thing.<P>Heck[/B]<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><P>------------------<BR>in loving service<BR>chaz

Heck,<BR>Plan A should continue as long as you can, and certainly while he's sitting on the fence. I just have a couple of points.<P>1. SF-seems like this is the biggie for all of us BS in meeting needs..I'll bet more has been written about this subject than any other here. But remember, that need was not met by the OW until late in the relationship...the affection, admiration, respect..all that stuff was met way before they went to bed, and this is where you need to concentrate your efforts. Initiate as long as you feel comfortable, but don't neglect those others.<BR>2. LB- remember he defines them...I actually think the communication night is ok..but read what you said...<P>"However, after the first night I started hearing things I didn't want to hear so we have not done this since."<P>Hon, you don't have to like or agree with all they say..plan A isn't permission to be a doormat...it is a time when you try to eliminate LB's as much as possible and meet his needs.<BR>Listen to what he says even if you don't want to hear it. Get in practice, cause you're gonna hear a lot of things you don't want to hear during recovery. You do not have to agree, but you do have to respectfully listen...and you will learn something.<BR>If you disagree, learn to do it without blaming. No "you statements"<BR>These sound like picky little things, but ask some WS here how they feel about blame..makes 'em run!<BR>Don't knock yourself out too much wondering if this is a good time for this that or the other...ask him, if he says no, then smile and say, sure, get back to me when you're ready.<BR>And make sure you take some time off for yourself..get a breather now and then.<BR>T

Thanks for your replies.<P>M&J, Yes, I do believe communication night is a big LB to him, that is why we skipped it this week.<P>Chaz, You always have great advice. I've tried to tell my H that he should at least try to save our marraige since he already has so much time, money energy and love invested in this family...I only hope he comes to realize that. And unless he does give 100%, it's not gonna work. Don't worry, I'm enjoying the increase in SF and will know that I did meet that need!!!<P>Twyla, As I said earlier communication night seems to be a big LB, so if we do communicate it will be lighthearted issues, nothing major. However, I think I will push to fill out the EN questionnaries.<P>Thanks, Heck

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