I was talking to a friend today and he told me something interesting that his W told him. She is good friends with my W and thinks my W is not going to file for D. <BR>She thinks either my W can't handle the guilt and is waiting for me to give up and file (that's not going to happen), or she is afraid if she files and I fight her for custody of our daughter she might lose. It could be either, or it could be that deep down she's not sure that D is the answer. Maybe my plan A has had some affect even though she hasn't said anything to me. Whatever her reasons, she hasn't filed and I guess I should look at that as a good sign. She's obviously conflicted and waffling, or maybe I'm just hoping she is.<P>sad dad<P>[This message has been edited by sad dad (edited August 26, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by sad dad (edited August 26, 2001).]

sad dad,<P>keep plan Aing, believe that it is working. The only reason my w wanted a D is because of the guilt she was feeling at the time of the A. She wanted an uncontested D, I wouldn't do it. She's now been home 4 days and is willing to live at home w/ me for the kids sake. At first she couldn't look me in the eyes or say a kind word to me, now she's actually called me honey, and sweety. I'm not making a big deal to her over the change but I see it as a huge step in our recovery. She's not ready for hugs, kisses or hand holding, so I have to plan A in other ways and be patient for the "fog" to lift. <P>Don't let w waffling throw you off what you know is best for your family, keep plan Aing, work on yourself, and pray your guts out.<P>hope this helps,<BR>knight

SD- I agree- the longer she waffles I think the more likely it is that D is not what she truly wants. My H told me in counseling last wk that OW tried to convince him during his waffling stage that if I did take him back it would only be for a few months then I would either start mistreating him or file for D on him at that point- that combined with his guilt made him do things to provoke ME to file on him. I refused to do it as you know. Everytime he would mention D I would tell him its absolutely wrong for us and damaging to our children. Then I would refuse to get dragged down into the much of the details of a D. Why make it easy if thats not what you want? I now have him back home and our intimate life is great- we are in counseling to work on the underlying issues that led to our marital dissatisfaction with each other- I didnt realize it but we had very bad communcation patterns with each other and a power imbalance- I knew things werent 'right' between us but I didnt know how to fix it all till we have been in therapy together for a few months now. take care- lifeismessy PS was your an honest moral person before the A? Did she go to church? If so she's probably REALLY wracked with guilt and uncertainty about whether you could ever forgive her and if your marriage could truly be fulfilling

knight,<P>Our situations sound similar. My W never left. She's probably only still here because of our daughter. Occasionally she calls me "honey". Could be out of habit. I notice it, but don't mention it. I'm sure the guilt is eating her up, whether it's guilt from the A or the guilt of possibly tearing our daughter's family apart. Doesn't really matter. I've never made her feel guilty. It's guilt she's brought on herself. Maybe it will slowly help the fog lift.<P>lim, <P>Good to hear from you! It's quite possible my W is hoping I will get frustrated and file, but as you know, thats's not going to happen. We also have some poor patterns of communication and "control" is a big problem for me, but I'm working on it. I have no control of the situation right now, but that's helped me see how she must have felt over the years. I believe we would benefit greatly from counseling, but that's a conclusion she will have to come to for herself. <P>My W is not a church goer, but is an honest, moral person. She comes from a great family and they are the most "family" oriented people I've ever known. What shes doing goes against everything she was brought up to believe.<BR>I've never told her I can/have forgiven her, but that's hard to do when she hasn't admitted to the A. She may not think I can forgive her because she may not be able to forgive me if the situation were reversed. Or maybe she can't forgive herself, so how could she think I could. But, that's just speculation on my part. The fact is I have forgiven her for the A, but I'm not sure if I can forgive her if she never gives us a chance to reconcile. Time will tell.<P>sad dad <BR><p>[This message has been edited by sad dad (edited August 26, 2001).]

sad dad- I think its so terrific you have been able to forgive your W in your heart. I know my H has trouble forgiving himself and also cant see WHY and HOW I could forgive him though he doesnt talk about it much. But he has mentioned that. Your W's background is certainly a plus in that she will probably not want to stray from it indefinitely. After all God left his entire flock just to come back looking for that one lost sheep right? I bought a Christian book about forgiveness and have studied it alot at Bible Studies. In fact I had just studied about it a mere few wks before H confessed his A to me- I think that was timing from the man upstairs. Hang in there. lifeismessy

lim,<P>Did you know about your H's A prior to him confessing? If so, did you confront him on it? How did he respond? Just curious. Besides the obvious reasons, I think my W hasn't confessed because she's worried that the emphasis will be on her A and not the underlying problems in our marriage. I really have no desire to talk about the A except to know what the OM did that made her feel so good. It might help me learn what her needs are or where I've been lacking. <P>Although we are far from recovery, we are getting along quite well. Last week, at the suggestion of someone else here at MB, I offered to alternate sleeping on the couch with my W. It's not the ideal situation for either of us so I thought I'd extend an olive branch so to speak. Since we're not sleeping together it really doesn't matter who sleeps on the couch. My plan A is going OK (you never get the results you hope for), but I think I need to step up my efforts, maybe try to get us to do more as a family. It might give us a chance to spend some time together and remind her of the good times we had as a family. That's something she'll never have with OM. I've got to approach this as if OM isn't or never was in the picture. How would I handle this if there wasn't an OM? That's the question I've got to find an answer for. I don't know. Maybe I'm putting too much pressure on myself. Maybe I'll just be patient and let this play out.<P>sad dad

sad dad-I didnt have irrefutable proof that he was having an A- but all sorts of subtle signs were adding up in my head that he was. ie.- his not answering the phone at work when he started working Saturday mornings all of a sudden, his sleeping different hrs than I was, his not wanting me to touch him, snapping at me for stupid reasons,his not being supportive when I was ill, etc. In January I pointed out these things to him and asked him directly if he was involved with someone. He said no he wasnt. By valentines day things hadnt improved any so I asked him directly the same question and told him that I really thought that he was and he needed to tell me the truth. That is when he confessed. He then said he didnt want marriage counseling but that it would be fine if I saw a therapist alone. I have found out just last wk that he had actually ENDED his A with OW just 5 days before he confessed. He tells me it was only physical with OW for 2 months and that he never intended to end our marriage because of her- he says that the divorce issue only came up after he confessed because he says he couldnt see how I could ever forgive him and OW told him I would ditch him after a few months and that our marriage would never be fulfilling.Maybe your wife is having similar thoughts? Have you asked her directly if she is involved with someone? I had to do it twice before he confessed. lifeismessy

lim,<P>Yes. I have asked her directly and she denied it. I have proof of EA (tape recordings, cell phone bill) and she knows it. I also have alot of other info she doesn't know. I don't know if it ever became PA, but I suspect it did. I don't care to know. As of a month ago, A was still going on, not sure to what degree. As I said before, it's hard for me to tell her I forgive her when she hasn't admitted to doing anything wrong. Maybe she's dealing with her own demons right now.<P>sad dad<P>

sad dad - It may be futile to try to figure out what she's thinking. As long as you continue your good Plan A, there's nothing more you can do. Waffling is a good sign, as long you keep your seat belt fastened. My wife hasn't waffled one iota since very early on and it has taken her this long to finally file, although she hasn't done it yet. She will, but my point is she could have done it months ago but nothing could progress until after our year of separation. So, as long as your wife is waffling, she's undecided, at least.<P>WAT

Saddad,<BR>2 days after I confronted my H and OW (d-day 5/6/01), my H called and said he wanted a divorce. I work with attorneys, and he actually thought I would do the work! I told him if he wanted a D, that I was not going to do the work for him. I said if he wanted to make a hasty decision, I certainly was not going to help him along with it. Well, that was 5/8/01, and he's come back home since then. We are not in recovery yet because contact did not stop with OW. My H is still into blaming me for his A completely, although I took responsibility for all of my faults before he left home. I made a huge mistake in telling my H I forgave him. My H was still having the A. I think it gave him (in his mind) license to continue the behavior. I didn't wait for him to be truly repentent. He's still not. I am living day to day (walking on eggshells). I have days where I feel so lonely for loving him when the feeling is not returned. I have other days where I absolutely HATE him for not trying to work on things. We are all still hanging around though, so it's not over for any of us yet is it. Well I'm rambling. Sorry for that. Not much advice, but want you to know that I'm thinking about you.

myownme,<P>Your situation seems to mirror mine except my W hasn't admitted anything. She never mentioned D until she discovered some of my proof. Then she wanted a nice, friendly, uncontested D, with my help. I told her it's not what I want and she'll have to do it herself. When she learned that I might fight her on custody, she backed off on D, saying she won't put our daughter through a custody battle. I think she's scared of this going to court.<P>Continued contact with OM is a certainty since they work together. Not the ideal situation, but I'm in my home and spending as much time as I can with my daughter.<P>sad dad