Is this cheating?<P>When I met my husband, he said he did not have a girlfriend. He said he had an ex in his old home state. We found out that I was pregnant in August. We got married in October. I just found out (by reading his emails) that the whole time we were dateing and 2 months into our marriage, his supposed ex was not an ex. He never actually broke it off with her. She thought he was going to be moving back to her state and they would be together again. She was sending him sexually explicit emails talking about things they did to each other (memories) and hopes for the future. He told her in July 200o that I was a "friend" and we were just casually dating. In August - even though I was pregnant she was still sending emails (because he did not tell her) about sexual things. Even recently, although she know all about me and the baby, she still sends him emails talking about how he "spoiled her for other men." And her new boyfriend tries but he cannot measure up to my husband. He stopped telling me about her emails to him in March when she emailed him saying "...I wish it was me having your child and I wish you were rubbing my belly..." Her personallity is such that she would not allow him to send a reply to an email she sent that was not in the same tone as the email she sent - that means that 2 days before we got married, he would have had to email her talking about sexual items. Does it sound like I am over-reacting? Please help

I don't think you are over reacting! What does he think he is doing? Yikes!<BR>There are lots of questions to be answered. Why did he never really end it with her? Is he still in a relationship with her? Why is he continuing contact with her? What is his committment to you and your baby? Have you approached him with any of these questions?<P>SO - why does he continue contact? That's the big question. I don't quite understand the email thing - how can she have any control over what he sends in an email? <P>Sorry, I seem to be asking more questions than providing solutions, but I think before you find solutions, questions must be asked.<BR>

Thank you for replying!!!<P>1st, she doesn't have control over his emails, but if he did not reply in the manor she thinks he should (at the time in a sexual manor) then she will get very upset and I would haev seen an email from her telling him off (there were a couple, but that was after we were married).<P>2nd, his contact (he says) is becuase they were friends before becoming a couple and he would like to continue the friendship ("but thats all").<P>I am so upset!! I cannot help picturing things in my head about them. He said it was wrong and that he is truely sorry, but he didn't even send me a card (ecard) unti lI sent one telling him how hurt I am. Don't you think he sould be trying to convince me to forgive him, not me convincing him how bad he hurt me?

what2do,<P>I like your username!! Very clever.<P>You haven't been married long, I realize this. And from my personal experience it is hard for someone to keep an ex as a friend even if the friendship came first. Somehow it always gets turned around.<P>Again more questions, Why did he not end or close the relationship with her? He needs to do this and give you some kind of reasurance that this is the case. He should also change his e mail account and send things back unopened til she gets the message. Tell him that these are things that you need to be assured that it is over with them.<P>I guess I shouldn't say tell, but ask your H why it is he must keep contact with her and how that might make you feel? Would he like feeling that way? Go into this with asking questions that he has to give answers to and not yes or no type questions, you get what I mean?<P><BR>Read and read and read everything that is here on this site, use the info to strengthen your marriage now while it is still young and floundering a bit.<P>Gods blessings to your family!!

I don't think it is a matter of convincing anyone of anything, because then it creates a situation where one person is wrong and the other is right. Granted, the way he has been handling this has been questionable to say the least, I think if you just try to convince him how hurt you are and that you need to forgive him, well, it becomes a power struggle to say the least.<P>There IS a way to solve this, but I think the approach is to work together. He does need to know how you feel about the continued contact, but you have to approach it calmly and with love. (See plan A info on this site - it is a lifesaver!) Tell him you can understand why he feels he wants to still be friends, but that under the circumstances the "friendship" cannot continue - for the sake of your marriage and family! <P>I hope someone else pipes up and gives you some more feedback on your situation. I do understand that you just want to "beat some sense into his head" right now and give him supreme.....well, you know...however that will just create a divide and right now you need to be a TEAM.<P>Having said that, please check out the info on this site. Harley's reading material is great.<P>Hang in there. Don't jump into anything too drastic until you've had a chance to collect yourself.<P>But just an aside re: his replies to her emails. If she doesn't appreciate the manner of his emails and chews him out - well - who really cares? Sounds like she's lovebusting all over the place and in the end he would just get sick and tired of her ranting. He really just needs to change is email addy, return her emails, and block her from his email. That's ultimately the best solution.<p>[This message has been edited by Alberta (edited August 28, 2001).]

Bumping this one up. <P>L.

Hi W2D,<P> I do not believe you are overreacting at all. What your H is doing is not right and he needs to stop all contact with this EXGF. <P> It is one thing to have a friend to chat with, whether it be by phone, in person, or email. It is quite another when those conversations are all about sex and how the EX wishes she was having H baby. <P> As I see it, these emails or any other contact should stop. And it should stop NOW. Before it turns into more than you or H might want. What he is doing IS WRONG, period.<P> jd

Is his ex now an ex, or is he still married to her?

RED FLAGS. All over the place. It is true that even though you are married you should still have friends. But YOU are the only one allowed to now have GIRLFRIENDS. I would also be very upset about this. Biggest question being why he is not validating to her his love and commitment to you. I would have a long talk with him about how this is a LB for you.

It is NEVER a good thing for a spouse to have a same-sex friendship when they are not also your friend. NEVER! Much less when that friendship has been a love relationship in the past. If it is hurting you, IT IS WRONG. PERIOD. The sooner you make this point with your H, the better. My H tried to tell me the same thing about his A at the beginning. He swore and she swore they were just friends, and that both of them had enough issues in their respective lives, never to get involved "that way." Well guess what, THEY WERE BOTH LYING THROUGH THEIR TEETH!!! Sorry, I just capitalize when I get so angry. You have EVERY right to be uncomfortable with this situation. If your H tries to tell you that he deserves to have whatever friendships he wants (which is what my H told me) he is WRONG. No ifs, ands or buts about it! Ask him to come here if you feel comfortable and let him read some of the information on this website. Also, have him CANCEL his e-mail account and get a new one that the XGF doesn't know about. That will end contact in a big hurry; no muss, no fuss! Praying for you.

Thank you to everyone for your comments and suggestions!!! I think they will help me out alot!!!!! My H is trying to "make it better." And I think we will be able to work it out, I hope. He sent an email to me that he then sent to his ex - it told her that things were over (even the friendship) and that he wishes her well but cannot continue to put my feelings on the "back burner" I really hope it is over like he said, now I just have to see if I will be able to believe anything he says (he lied to me for 16 months). Again, thanks!!!!