<BR>You know, I haven't posted in awhile, because things just keep getting worse.<P>My husband has been emotionally abusive for almost 5 months--not to mention during all of his other affairs. <P>He keeps doing these horrible things and then turns it around and blames me. At court last week, he whined to his attorney that he wasn't getting to see the kids often enough. So, they want him to have them from after school on Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays until 10 o'clock. Doesn't matter that they are in 2 and 4 grades. Doesn't matter that he doesn't have a place to stay, that they will probably be eating at Mc Donalds every nite, and that they are LD and I have to work with them almost every nite for about 2 hours before bedtime.<BR>This was decided without me being there, they sent me back to school...and then the next day, I got home from school, soccer,etc. Opened the mailbox to a huge packet of interrogatories that stated that I had to have completed within 6 days. I spent all day Saturday working on just the emotional and physical abuse he has put us through over the years. I still have to inventory all of our household goods, financial stuff, banks, retirement stuff, etc. etc. This is our first full week of school. Do you know how stressful that is when you are trying to arrange schedules for special service students. I called the lawyer and said there was no way I could get that done in 6 days. His secretary said that I could have until the 7th. I am taking the kids camping this weekend---it is something I promised them and besides, I don't want them anywhere near him anymore. What a disgusting excuse for a man. I am so sick of him.<P>He did it again tonight. My oldest daughter had a soccer game in KC. Guess my husband flew in from a trip and is spending the night there. He called her and she told him about the game. When the game was over, she saw his truck and they both pulled over into a parking lot. Well, he brought his girlfriend again. He tried to convince Meg to go out to dinner with them. He asked her if she didn't think GF was beautiful. Same old SH**. This is after he has written me this week telling again how horrible our marriage was, how it takes two to make a relationship work, and how I could make this divorce easy or difficult. <P>You know, at this point, it is not going to be easy. He keeps saying how much he loves and misses the kids. He sure has a great way of showing it. Meg cried all the way home from KC. Tell me why he keeps doing this. Is he just morally corrupt? How can he write such derogatory things about me and then get our kids so upset. He makes me sick. Most of the time now, I wish he would drop dead. I have no respect for him at all. He is really sick. I just want this to be over. I wish I could get it so that he couldn't interfer with us again. Unfortunately, that won't happen with the kids. Gosh, I wish I was out of this mess. I feel miserable every single day. I don't want to see him, I don't want to work with him, I don't want the kids near him. He took something beautiful and destroyed it. I hate watching him do this to the kids. I hate him. <BR>

Hi MnM,<P>I hear your anger and pain. You know what? You are right to be indigant for what he is subjecting his family to. Just when I was feeling sorry for myself, I have to remember that there are others acting like my H also. <P>Hon, you have many <<<hugs>>>> from me. I am sorry for what your H is putting you through. We both have to go past the anger and focus on acceptance. Hard to do right now and you have some important papers in front of you. Will you lawyer consider the incidents with your daughter to move for a motion to restrict his visiations with the younger ones our of concern for the type of association he is subjecting them to? <P>Just a thought. Asking you to calm down, is probably not what you want to hear right now. So if you can't sleep and need an ear, I can be available. <P>Take Care,<BR>L.<BR>

Orchid,<P>Thanks....I don't know what to think. He has involved all the kids with this...and then turns and tells me that we have to act like adults around the kids. <P>I don't know what to think about my lawyer. He is very difficult to work with. Last week--the first day we had classes, I had to meet with him at 7:45. He asked me what the kids thought about my H. Then he told me to meet him at the Court House. When I got there he and my H lawyer walked in. The judge is a friend of mine-so he couldn't listen to the case for the restraining order. My lawyer knew that a week earlier--so I don't know why that judge was there. Then the two lawyers went into a side room to discuss things. They walked out and said what they had decided for JIm's visitation rights. I felt like I was on trial. You know...as I am sitting here crying...this has been an emotional hell for 5 months. I didn't have the affairs, I haven't been emotionally abusive, I have never physically hurt him. I only loved and supported him and stood by him for 25 years. Why do I feel like I am getting screwed? <P><BR>I don't know what to do anymore. I have tried to hang in there--but I feel like my life is being torn apart. I want to protect the kids--but I don't know how to do that. MO doesn't have alimony, and tho I have always been there for my kids--I don't think I can protect them from him--and he won't leave us alone. If he wants to leave so bad--why doesn't he just go? Just leave us alone. He has been writing horrible emails to me that leave me crushed. Our life is still hectic as usual---but when we aren't home and he calls--he blames me for not being able to talk to the kids. Some friends took my kids to the Lake of the Ozarks when I had teacher work days--and he happened to be in town-and he blamed me for that. THis is getting so old. I really wish that he would disappear. I can't believe how much I hate him. How could he be so horrible to us--he is destroying this family.

Dear MnM,<P>When he is blaming you for what you did not do, step aside and let those words go by. I had to do that. H used to have conversations with me, except, I was not there. Hm..... happened a lot then I documented a few found out the was having conversations with me in his head and then yell at me for the bad responses he thought I said. One of those incidents happend in our kitchen, except I was at work at the time. After showing him a few of those, he realized that his anger at himself was being thrown on me. I told him I stopped taking his anger and would only take what I truly did and only after he explained it to me in a calm manner. You know what? He accepted. <P>Maybe something like that can work? Ya neva No.<P>L.<BR>

Misery, have followed your sad tale, haven't had much to say, I think your H is really unfair, and his behaviour with kids not right. One never knows without hearing both sides, especially in kid issues, is so hard for everyone. But does not sound like he is really focused much on their welfare (as opposed to his needs). You are in for some very rough times (contested divorces), just keep your eye on the sunshine waaaaaaaay over there, it will come back one day. Good luck.

Oh Orchid,<P>I know what you mean...sometimes I feel like I am going crazy. <P>I had a situation with my Just turned 18 year old last week. She wanted to extend her curfew until 1:00...it used to be 11:30. Well, we live in a small town outside of KC. There is nothing to do here after 11 really. So, I told her no. I did offer to let her stay out until 12. Well, that didn't go over well. The argument went on for three days. Her father was here on the third day and of course called her and wanted to see her. He actually wanted all the kids and assured me that he was alone.<BR> <BR>Well, Meg did go out to see him. I was at work, so I didn't know. When she came home she was very evasive. She said that dad was going to buy her a truck(we have no money--things are bouncing all over because he has been living in hotels for the past five months). Anyway, getting a truck for her was supposed to be on her getting her grades up, be responsible for her other obligations, and for follow through. So much for that. She also let slip that if she doesn't get along with her soccer coach or other people here (me), her dad said she could move to KC. Imagine that. That hurt. I told Meg that she was now 18 and old enough to start making choices for herself. I told her that if she lives in this house, she will have to be considerate of my rules. But, she is able to make choices, and I won't be in the middle of that with her father. She wanted to go visit a boy "friend" who actually is a friend in Wyoming this weekend. She asked her dad to get her a ticket. Jim emailed me all week, trying to get me to tell him what to do about it. I realized that no matter what I said...I would be his fall guy. So I didn't answer him. I figured it was between him and Meg and he would have to make the decision. He was really upset about that. Actually, I couldn't have talked to her anyway, she worked Thursday nite, and left for a soccer tournament in Illinois on Fri-Sunday nite. She then worked on Mon. So, I really hadn't seen her until today. We talked and she decided to stay here because of work--because she will be gone the next two weeks because of tournaments. Anyway, her dad was furious with me for not talking to him. I don't know why I let him get to me. It really hurts so bad. <P>I am really rambling...I can't believe it is already 1:30. I better get to bed. Six comes awfully quickly. <P>I feel bad about not posting lately to anyone. I just haven't had anything good to say--and I have been in such a funk. It is hard to be so down all the time. Everyone keeps saying things will get better...but I just don't feel it yet. You know I am a Christian too...and tho I pray, I don't feel anything there either. When do these moods break? When do you start living and just not existing? Thanks for listening to me vent. Take care of yourself.

Hi MnM. I'm so sorry to hear that things haven't gotten any better for you. Your H I'm sorry to say is an A**. How can he do this to your kids? He obviously does not realize what he is doing. Sounds like he thinks this is a big game. Have you considered counseling for your kids? Actually this may not only help them cope it may also work on your behalf in court. What he's doing is unbelieveable to me as a parent, and as far as your older D Meg he is trying to win her over with gifts and letting you deal with the real parenting issues. I would not respond to his e-mails or calls unless absolutely necessary. You have been through so much and I am so proud of you for being so strong. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Please continue to drop in and post so that we know you are okay. Take care of yourself and your kids. God Bless. <BR>cybil

MnM,<P> What town do you live in outside KC? I used to live in a small town not far from KC myself. Although on the Kansas side. Louisburg Ks. Ever hear of it? Gosh, that seems like an eon ago. More like ten years ago though. But I do still have relatives near there. In Osawatomie, Ks.<P> So much has happened in my life since that time. But, I used to love just driving around KC in the spring and early summer. There are so many trees that make it quite a pretty place. Then the Plaza, at Christmas time. What a site. How many miles of lights do they use? I forget. <P> Oh well, sorry to get off topic. That area really brings back fond memories for me. I don't get up that way nearly as much as I would like.<P> I am sorry for what you are going through. I'm not going to tell you it will get better, even though it will. I just wanted you to know that I will be thinking of you, and my old stomping grounds today. <P> I will say that there is really nothing you can do about the 18 year old. She is going to do what she is going to do. It sucks that your H is trying to "WIN" her affection and buy her off with gifts. That is just wrong. Not putting her best interests at heart. I am going through something VERY similar with 2(twins) of my children. Pull my hair out daily over their wanting to spread their wings and do what they want. It is really hard to get them to see that college homework has to be done in a timely manner. <P> Well, I really wanted you to know that I will be thinking of you. Apologize for rambling. I hope your day and week gets better.<P> jd<p>[This message has been edited by jdmac1 (edited August 29, 2001).]

Hi MnM,<BR>How are you doing this morning? Able to get some rest? It's a bit early for me out here but couldn't sleep any more. H came by around 4:45am to change for work. Hm..... go talk with an OW and lose your family without even packing a bag. See where the fog can lead them? Well the consquences are theirs now. No more controlling excuses. All on them. <P>Hey, you take care ok? You are still in the reality world and with a sane mind. Be proud of that. As bad as your H is being, you retain your dignity. <P>L. <BR>

MnM,<BR>I know how much "misery" you are in. I won't go on and on about how bad everything is for you, because I know that is past stuff. I hope you don't get mad at me for writing the facts - but I know you see this situation for what it is exactly. I am supportive of you, and I know you have your hands full. But you know what is right and what is wrong - and you have to fight against the wrong.<P>You need to look to the future - you need to FOCUS on his words not hurting you. We can't look at your situation and give you warm fuzzies that he will return and your life will be idelic. You know first hand . . . <BR>he is immature and manipulitive - you have got to forget reading his e-mails, or listening to him put you down. He is playing a game - but for your survival - you have to know that things will get better for you - and you know they will be without him. He is abusive. Acknowledge this fact and move on.<P>I will pray for you that you can begin to stand tall, and let his irresponsible, manipulitve ways roll off you. He feels if he acts like a baby he will get what he wants, and that is to hurt you and the children.<P>We care about you, and your survival.<P>I hope you are talking with the D/D folks here, to get lots of advice - because I know they will be able to help you. I've been through a D, not with children, but I know how hurtful my D was - I can only imagine the anguish you are going through.<P>I've been doing alot of my own inquiring for my own general knowledge - and it would make me panic - first off, in 1985, I gave a lawyer a $750 retainer - today I hear it is $2,000. All I can say honestly - I could not afford to get a divorce today. I don't know what your lawyer is doing, but you sound like you don't have much faith in him. You sound like you do not trust him and he is not on your side.<P>Please go to the D/D board, and get advice on how to deal with your lawyer - I know you said he was a good one, kind of difficult but none the less good.<P>I don't know these lawyer tactics, but sounds like they are milking the public. Your husband is messing up any stability your children have. I know for a fact that I work with my children from the time they get home until dinner, and after on their homework. Not to make you feel bad, my H helps when he gets home - but you MnM have to do it on your own because your H is acting irresponsible. How can he be helping your children?<P>I don't know why the court is ruling for irresponsibility, especially when your H doesn't even have an address.<P>I am not saying anything here, but in support - I feel to present the facts to make you mad, to give you resolve to fight this out. You sound as though you could crumble, like your willpower is waning - I want to hear you stand strong - so forget his blame, guilt, etc.<P>You KNOW that is only coming from his FOG. Don't let it hurt you - I feel for you that you only have a few days to get all that paperwork filled out, and that you are drop-dead tired. Tired of dealing with H, the OW, the situation, trying to keep your kids successful, keeping the house running, pay the bills, etc.<P>I guess you need to have a real honest discussion with your 18 yr old - if her daddy impresses her with his promise of buying her wheels. All I can say is Big Deal - she is thinking "impressionable" just like everyother red-blooded american kid with stars in their eyes - which is one of the things that is wrong with America today. It takes hard work and perserverance - and things aren't handed to you on a silver platter - unfortunately it takes many years to come to this realization. Then it hits you square between the eyes.<P>I had to respond to you - I know how much this is hurting you. Your H is sucking the life out of you, but you are going to have to grit your teeth with a resolve to make it through this. You know what he has done all these years to you with all the A's. Stand up against him. Make sure your lawyer is doing his job representing you - find out exactly what is going on. I know it is hard when you have to work too. Where is the time, money, patience, perservance, etc. to get the job done.<P>Please don't be mad at me - I am only trying to make you mad enough to stand up to him, and for you to be able to go on. Because I know if I were in your shoes I would want to collapse, and I am sure you feel that exact way. Good luck, love, aftershock<P>

<BR>Thanks everyone for all the wonderful support. Yesterday was rough and it has definitly been a tough few weeks....I guess months.<P>Fortunately work has been so hectic...I don't have much time to think about it until I get home.<P>Like I said I haven't been posting...it has just been too hard for me to give any encouraging advice at this time. I have been reading tho...and you all have been in my thoughts and prayers. The courage and strenghth you have is remarkable. I appreciate the time and effort you put in to responding to my posts. They have been really helpful.<P>You know, one positive thing...is that I am really starting to feel closure. No matter how he has hurt me in the past, I knew we belonged together and that we had great kids. But, I am starting to realize how much pain he inflicted on us continuously without a care about our emotional well-being. He has been like this throughout our whole marriage. I just kept trying to work through it and create the type of marriage I thought we both wanted. They worked when he was in the AF...we were a great team....but their was always an undercurrent of disrespectful behavior. I didn't realize until recently how much the kids had been affected by his behavior. I thought it was just me for the most part. It is time for us to move on.<P>It does worry me however, that he will have access to the kids...and he won't let that go. Hopefully, I can counter balance his affect on them. <P>Thank you again for all the help...Hope you all have a nice evening. Have to run to soccer, make dinner, do homework and organize for school tomorrow. I'll try to check in later. I am also going to try to fill out some of that lawyer papers...Just how I want to spend my nite!! :0) Anyone experienced in this...I could use some help. I have a bottle of wine handy.....

Mnm,<P>Hang in there. aftershock

Dear misery,<BR>Believe me, I KNOOOWWW what it is like to arrange schedules for special service students! IF you mean 'special needs'??? I have twins--one ambulatory and one non-ambulatory who both attend the same school with the same teacher, but was trying to arrange for them to ride ONE bus as there are two different companies who drive the kids who can walk and the ones who are in wheelchairs. Talk about RED TAPE and being put through the ringer. I still remember the runarounds I went through to get that all organized... YUCK!<P>Consider yourself hugged really long and really tight... (pause) Still hugging you.... You are going to have to deal with this man and his attitudes and behaviors for years to come while the kids are in between of the two of you. Soooo, you have to change something about you so that he doesn't have the influence over you to upset you so much.<P>Now, if HE changes, then terrific, but let's just pretend that he will never change... Therefore, if YOU change, then he won't upset you any more--he can't upset you, because you have changed, so it won't matter if he changes! Does that make sense?<P>How can you change? What can you change? For one thing, you can come up with a PLAN FOR YOUR LIFE. Set some goals for yourself. I know it's difficult when you have all the after school activities to chauffeur and helping the kids get ready for school, but how can you cut down on all those *helpful* things you do so you can have time to do something that YOU enjoy?????<P>What do you like to do? What do you want to do that you always wanted to do but was too busy doing for others that you couldn't do it? What would you like to TRY? What upsets you that you would like to see corrected in the world? How can you go about fixing it? (NO need to answer, just asking so you can think about YOUR heartfelt desires...)<P>You need some time for you. That's what it sounds like to me--every day. Even if it is a 30-minute vacation in a hot, bubble bath with your little glass of wine and some aromatic candles burning... Like Mommie Time OUT--Ya think?

Hi BinthereDunthat,<P>I agree I am going to have to change...or he is going to kill me. I truely think he knows that he can tear me apart emotionally. It is like he knows just what to do and say to make me feel terrible. <P>How do you change though and not let it hurt you. I haven't figured that on out yet. I would love for the pain to stop.<P>I am worried that this will never be over because of the kids. He won't just leave us alone. I am afraid he will be in my face with his OW for the rest of my life. That is hard to think about. <P>I don't know who I am anymore. For so many years, I spent all of my time keeping him and the kids happy. There was no time for me. Now I am working full time (it was supposed to be for just a few years until his retirement pay went into effect and his airline first year was over). Now, it will be until I am 65....oooh. Not fun to think about. I really don't have time to figure out who I am anymore. I just keep plugging along....altho it is probably good I am so busy. I don't have much time to think--until almost bedtime. If I could sleep, I would be ok. Oh well....rambling on. Thanks for writing.