Hi to all - I have a question for those of you who might have been in my shoes at some time. First a little history, I have been married 11 years and we have 4 children. My husband first cheated on me when I was expecting my 4th child a little over 5 years ago and then again about 3 years ago. I found out in January 2001 about the second affair (he claimed at the time it included no sex) and then in March about the first affair and that fact that both affairs included sex. We sought counseling in January- his inititive- with a pastor but got no where because he was still hiding some of the truth. I quit going because we were getting nowhere and I was sick of going to watch my husband sleep through sessions. In March when i got the whole story (boy do I hope it's the whole story) he moved out for a while at my request. He moved back shortly after because it was extreemly upseting to my kids to have dad gone. We started counseling again this time with a marriage counselor and are continuing to go to this lady. So we have been going for about 5 months now and I feel like we are making no progress at all, that is until last week when he admitted to hiding his feelings in order to keep me happy and the counselor made him take a quick test to see if he qualifies as being co-dependent. He does and now he is attending a class for that. But last week at session he admitted to hiding his anger for me and he thinks he had the affair to get back at me for being in charge at home and for being so demanding (long story on what he considers demanding)and for having the free time he wants - he works fulltime and I just stay home with 4 kids. He said 'when I get angry at her or she is angry at me I just ignore it and it goes away.' BIGTIME conflict avoider. Anyway that statement made me realize that he is dealing with the revealation of his affairs in the same manner. He has basically not done anything to consider why he had the affair - his reasons change each time some one asks him and what he can do to make sure it doesn't happen again. He has made no effort to restore the trust I need to have in him. he says all the time "I'll make it right with you!" but he has no idea how to do it or is he trying to find a way to do that.<BR>I feel just as horrible today as I did the first week of finding out. He is waiting for me to get over it and move on with life which I cannot seem to do. I don't want to live with some one who cannot express their opinions, eats their anger and has affairs as a result. If he doesn't figure this out we will be in the same boat again sometime in the future.<BR>What do I do?? Things have been good some of the time but mainly when I do not expect answers for the questions I have. Each time I relapse (the roller coaster ride has been much worse than I had thought it would be) he will comment that he doesn't understand why I keep bringing it up. He has ended both relationships and I think I know that they are both complying with his request for no contact. He has no answers for anything. Can we really recover from this if he never finds answers? What does he need to do to get the answers I want so bad. I don't know how long I can hold out on hope that things will get better. I really hope someone here can shed some light on my situation since I seem not to be able to do so. <BR>Thanks alot for reading this especially since it turned into a pretty long post.<BR>May90

I think the problems in the marriage definitely need to be discussed. Obviously, there is emotional needs not being met. My husband has had 5 or more affairs. Each time has been devastating. The first one in 1990 was when I was pregnant with my third child. It was a horrible two years. The emotional abuse was awful. The one he is currently in is similar--just bizaare behavior. <P>Once again, I find myself reading, and reading and going to counselors and trying to find out why. I found this site this time...and for the first time, I am starting to realize how we never figured out the reasons why he had to go outside our marriage. <P>I think if you read and get help with the MB principles, you will discover what ENs are not being met. Then you can figure out a plan to improve your relationship. We made a mistake--because we didn't know how to fix our relationship. I think my H has some definite character flaws that may never have been fixed....but at least it would have given us ways to try. <P>Each time my H came back from an affair, he wanted to just put it all behind him. He didn't want to discuss it, he offered me no explanations--except that his sexual needs were not being met..PERIOD. He never worked on the relationship. And we are going through this same thing again--altho this time facing the reality of a divorce. Pretty tough scenerio...espcially with 4 kids. <P>Don't know if this helps....but please read here on this site, talk to the Harleys, and post. There is a lot of knowledgable people who can help you. Good Luck

Thank you for your post. I am sorry to hear that you are in such a hard situation, you will be in my thoughts. We have read everything on this site and have been using alot of it. The problem as I see it is that he does not care to find out why he strayed and in choosing not to find out I feel he is settting himself up to do it again, does that make sense to anyone or am I just making excuses for myself?? <BR>May90