Well, I guess I thought a good Plan A was to fulfill needs. Now that I'm trying to be there for him, my H says I just aggravate him. He said today that if I'm hoping and working on this marriage, it's better that I do it secretly. For him, it's "over". The funny thing is that he says this pretty angrily yet I don't feel he really knows or means what he says. Is this wishful thinking? Am I avoiding the truth? I just don't understand why I simply ignore his angry outbursts and keep smiling.

Terrified,<BR>It is pretty common for a WS's response to Plan A to be guilt (why are you being so nice?) suspicion (why are you acting this way and not angry?). My counselor said being nice when they aren't is like heaping coals on their head--they can't pin the blame for their bad behavior on you for you being a bad spouse when you are clearly being nice and kind. It points the finger back to them as being responsible for their own actions, and that may not be comfortable, so they act meaner in order to provoke anger and in their mind prove them right in their behavior.<P>You must be on the right track. <P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Whatever is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, gracious...think about these things." Phil 4:8

Yep...<P>...it's guilt.<P>Say a little prayer to yourself...<BR>...it's working more than you know!<P>The next step...<BR>...is to get him to pray with you...<BR>(do lower all expectations on this one!)<P> <P>You have my prayers.<P>Jim

You're just ruining everything by being so nice to him! Now he doesn't have an excuse to justify his behavior!<BR>

GUILT GUILT GUILT with a capital G. Actually" guilt- It's a good thing" as Martha Stewart would say because it usually is the starting point of fog dissipation. Mine was the same way! Couldnt stand it when I cooked his fave dinners and bought his some expensive cologne at the mall- he told me to take it back. Now several months later he wears it every day- MMM.... he smells good! Dont stop doing nice things for your H but do tone it down a notch- sort of dilute it if you know what I mean.Time- thats also a good thing. Take care- lifeismessy

Good to hear from you Lor, NSR, Dana & LIM, Maybe that explains why I feel a little more positive. Actually, it makes me feel good inside when he yells and I don't yell back anymore. Hopefully, God makes him feel good inside too (even though he'll never admit it).<P>Just this morning, I left him some MB reading material on the seat of his car. He found it and called me at work telling me not to do that anymore (pretty angry). I just smiled and said goodbye. He called me twice more in the same hour, one to ask me about a pen he was looking for and the next to let me know that my D was okay when he dropped her off at my mother's...BTW, he also did add a "Have a nice day" comment somewhere and he was pretty calm. Oh well, at least he's thinking of me enough to call, right?

I may be way off base here, but I remember before my marriage ended, and he would every now and again try to do some really nice things and how it would make me feel. I used to get so angry, and not so much out of guilt though that was there too, but I was mad as heck because I felt like oh sure now you bother to pay attention, after all these years of ignoring me and my needs you have the nerve to turn into what I wanted you to be all along.<BR>I was mad because I felt he was trying to confuse me, I had already set in my mind who I thought he was and then he turned into this person that I had wanted him to be or at least tried to.<P>I don't know if that helps any, but I wish you the best of luck and keep trying, I know its hard but as they say, nothing worth having doesn't come without some kind of fight.<P>I-am.

Hi I-am, I'm not familiar with your story but thanks for your reply. I guess I'm curious as to why your marriage ended?

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Terrified:<BR>[B]Well, I guess I thought a good Plan A was to fulfill needs. Now that I'm trying to be there for him, my H says I just aggravate him. He said today that if I'm hoping and working on this marriage, it's better that I do it secretly. For him, it's "over". The funny thing is that he says this pretty angrily yet I don't feel he really knows or means what he says.>>><P>VERY typical! Afew weeks into the A, shortly before he left I had already gone into my own Plan A since he was acting so weird and distant all of a sudden. One night I made him an elaborate dinner, all his favorite foods, brought out the good china, crystal, candles etc. He was fuming! He snapped "Why do you keep doing nice things for me. Stop it!" He told me later the guilt was unbearable every time I did something special for him. I never did stop being nice, and it paid off! It takes awhile though and is very unrewarding in the beginning, often met with hostility.

Hi Terrified,<P>I'm pretty new here, though I've been lurking for a while. I told my story in the "if you are lurking its okay" thread. <BR>There are many different reasons why my marriage failed, some where my fault and some were his, but I think the main reason is we met very young, and what we had never matured into an adult relationship, and when all was said and done we essentially hated each other. We tried, but I honestly don't think we were meant to be. Though now that time has passed we've learned to be civil with one another, its still challenging as we see different reasons for the end of the marriage. <P>And by the way, anytime you want to talk or just vent feel free to contact me, I can't say I know exactly what its like to be in your situation, but I think all of us have been betrayed one way or another in our lifetime. <P>Good luck, you're in my thoughts.<P>I-am.

Good hearing from you FD and Iam, I continue to pray and hope that you're all right in saying that his aggravation is a good sign. I still find it hard at home since he rarely opens up to me anymore. When he does share things with me about his day, I feel exhilarated but never push for more. I guess I've learned the hard way to be happy about anything rather than expecting what he used to be. He even gets aggravated if I ask about his paycheque. Oh well, I still continue to hold on to high hopes.<P>Thanks again.

I continue to pray and hope that you're all right in saying that his aggravation is a good sign. I still find it hard at home since he rarely opens up to me anymore. When he does share things with me about his day, I feel exhilarated but never push for more. >>><P>I know how tough it is, but keep it up as long as it is right for you. It's hard to be angry at someone who is nothign but nice to you. That's why they get so frustrated. They WANT you to do something negative so they have a reason to justify their horrible treatment of you. Shortly after my H left home he said "Why can't you just hate me? It would be a lot easier." Then he would have had his justification "She hates me anyway." Then he admitted that my being nice, not raising my voice, not calling him names, made him feel even worse about himself and his actions. Well, good!<P>

Dear FD, How long did it take for H to come home? How long have you been in recovery?<BR>