Hello to all!!<P>I have a question concerning LBs. I have read that LB are angry outbursts and the like. But have also seen that LB can be whatever WS would consider irritating behavior. My question is this---Is talking about our relationship or trying to see what page he is on emotionally considered a LB? I'm I basicly just suppose to go on in a normal fashion in a sense that nothing has happened?? Also it seems that sometimes anything I do or say irritates him so do I not speak?? Any advice or comments are appreciated. Thanks!!----KID

Ouch.......I got that one too. My H (he was the WS) told me that when I cried in front of him that I was withdrawing love units. So yeah, he thought talking about it was an LB. Harley's book Surviving an Affair also says that you shouldn't talk about it. I do not agree. I think that is HAS to be discussed, but without all the yelling and screaming (somehow).......<P>I think it is a very personal decision. Some people NEED to talk about it. The way we finally ended up getting everything out in the open was: I wrote out a list of questions (there were over 100) and he answered them. I then went out of town to see my mother and read it in the airport. That way, he wasn't around for me to "react" on. He had BIG reservations about doing it, but I will say that I finally got all my questions answered. Hopefully someday I will find the courage to burn it, and perhaps that will symbolize the ending of it for me.<P>Everyone's situation is different. Perhaps you should just not discuss it for a while until the smoke settles. If you feel like you have to, then he is going to have to listen to it. Dr. Phil (tell-it-like-it-is-Phil from Oprah) says that you should be allowed to yell and scream and berate all you NEED. Dr. Harley would not agree with that. I do think that everyone needs to find a way to vent. A really good place to do that is HERE.<P>Blessings,<BR>B<P>

B-<BR>THanks for your input. Boy that was brave to come up with the "100 things you ever wanted to know but were afraid to ask" questionaire. I don't think I could even come up with that many questions!! Also I don't know if I would want to know all the answers!!<P>I'll keep in mind what you said about not bringing it up for awhile and see what happens!! Thanks!!

You don't talk about it, or ask your list of 100 questions until such time that the WS agrees, and is working on the marriage.<P>If your spouse is still in the A, and unrepentant, demanding relationship talks won't work and are LBs.<P>My H refused to talk, and was very difficult until such time that he made up his mind that he wanted our marriage. Since then, he's answered questions and been pretty open. But even then, I keep my "talks" as short as possible. He doesn't like long drawn out discussions. <P><P>------------------<BR><I>Pain is a given, misery is optional.</I>

Talks about relationships will frustrate you to no end...BUT, if you have to have them (and, I am of the opinion that somethings have to be said and asked) then make sure you don't do any of the other LB's...angry outbursts...selfish demands, etc.<P>I found the calmer I was during these 'talks,' the more my H listened and could be calm too...over time...<P>Of course, I feel I had a little advantage, my H didn't want to listen to me...because he 'listened' to me...what I think and say influences him...I now just have to be careful as to the HOW I say it...and to make sure he knows that it is only my OPINION and that I DON'T EXPECT him to do everything I say how I say....<P><I> I tried to respond to your last email, but my computer at school kicked it back...I haven't had a chance to try from home </I><P>Cali<P>------------------<BR><I>Live Impeccably In Your Word.<BR>Don't Take Anything Personally.<BR>Make No Assumptions.<BR>Do Your Best Always. </I>

BR and Cali--<P>Thanks for your input. My H says that the A is over but he is still very foggy!! He still doesn't know what he wants. He talked to his brother this weekend and I think that might have helped.<P>When ever we have talked/asked questions he seems to open with his answers. I have asked him doesn't he ever have questions or comments for me and he says that I do a good job with the questions.<P>I think I might just hang low for awhile and see what happens with that. We go back to MC on Saturday so that should be an ice breaker for convo.<P>Thanks again guys!! My shift is over so I'm heading home to see my babies and get them ready for bed. I'm sure H will be leaving soon after I get home!! Have a good night all!! Wish I had a computer at home!!!