Ok...I've tried posting on this site for a couple of months. I read as many post as I can & I always try to respond to anyone who's post look unanswered. (I know what it feels like to post & get no answer) Yes, I know everyone is busy & has different scedules etc. but, a quick response is owed everyone who post.<P>I have been Plan Aing for several months. No changes. I wake up everyday wishing I were dead.<P>I've finally decided to call this site quits. It seems that no matter what I write or post I always get "backlash".<P>Well, been going through 6 months of hell trying to say & do the right thing to save my marriage. It's not working.<P>I am depressed, lonely & tired of trying.. my only solice for awhile has been this site, but now it to seems to only depress me.<P>I feel for everyone on this site...life sucks & like the bumper sticker says "People Suck" too.

louser,<BR>please don't leave mad. I've got to leave work and go home, now or I would go and search through some of your posts. I really don't think anyone's ganging up on you or anything, ya know? I saw lexxy's reply to you on jd's thread, but we're all just here giving our opinions. No one should take opinions or disagreements as personal attacks.<P>Please hang around. Sounds like you have no where else to go - you might as well stay with all of us miserable Plan A'ers....<P>Like I said, I gotta run, but wanted to say hello and please stick around.

louser,<BR>Do you really wish you were dead? I ask this cause I struggle with these feelings. I am the WS though.<P>Are you LBing?<BR>Tell me more, I'm here to listen. I may not have advice but I will listen. I too am lonely.<P>

My dear - please take a deep breath (or two or three) and calm down. It sounds like you have hit a major LOW which I believe is a normal part of recovery.<P>What changes are you looking for that haven't happened yet as a result of your Plan A? <BR>Have you shared this with your H? <BR>Have you both discussed, implemented a game plan? (Okay, so my H and I haven't, but it seems to me we need to).<P>I can understand that reading some posts here can be depressing and cause one to second guess their own path to recovery, so maybe you should take a break, a brief hiatus of sorts! BUT - if you are feeling low this CAN be a great place to be uplifted.<P>SO - let us help you - what specific areas do you want help in? Or if you just want to vent - do it here and you will not be judged. (RIGHT FOLKS?????)

Louser,<P> Don't you leave! Please. I did value your input per my thread. I do know what you are feeling because I've lived it for the past six months. <P> You talk about wanting to die. I know those feelings as well. The only true reason I still walk this miserable earth is because of my children, literally. The first thing I did was get the 19 year old twins to take my guns and put them where I have no access to them. And believe me I've wanted them many times. I wanted to quit the pain of the living. <P> But that was depression. That and a forboding of what would happen if my marriage ended. Well it looks like my marriage has ended, which I will post about in a few minutes. <P> I just want to assure you that this is where you belong. This place has helped me in so many ways. Please do not leave.<P> jd

Louser,<BR>I'm not familiar with your story, but understand your feeling of wanting to die. I've gone through that as I'm sure so many other have. I surely hope you don't really go. I'm not sure if I've seen any of your posts as I'm pretty new to the site, but I'm sure whatever backlash you've felt was not meant as backlash, but as advice. I think this site is a wonderful place to vent, cry, whatever you need. Please don't leave. We have all felt slighted at one time or another, but I'm sure none of it was done to you intentionally. Also, if you are truly feeling suicidal, please seek medical attention. I will say a prayer for you and your situation.<P>Kari

I'm sorry you feel that you've received backlash. I truly believe that any opinion or advice offered here is offered with the best intentions.....please don't leave. <P>I haven't been around for a couple of months myself, but I try to visit when I can, and right now I am trying to encourage others to feel that there IS hope, no matter how dire your circumstances are. <P>Please don't say you wish you were dead. You really don't feel that way, do you? My attitude after a while (I'm a BS) was that my H might be able to destroy my marriage but he couldn't destroy my life. Only I can do that. <P>Why do you think your efforts are not working with your spouse?<P>We are here to help. I know sometimes it seems like you are all alone, but you are not. And besides, if you aren't divorced after 6 months, something is going right isn't it?<P>Keep your chin up.<P>Blessings,<BR>B<BR>

To All:<P>I just don't understand... My H was everything to me. I never thought he would ever hurt me. I never suspected a thing. I had total faith.<P>Yes, I LB & little, but mostly I try so hard to MB. He just continues to blame me. His parents blame me. My kids blame me. <P>Why me ?<P>I'm a devoted wife & mother. I have never even considered being with another man. I never even looked.<P>I feel that because I am a successful business woman & attractive & that my 4 kids are really great that everyone expects me to be stronger & get over this.<P><BR>I can't. The pain is too much. I've been put in a mental hospital twice because I have tried suicide. I have a therapist, I go to marriage counseling, I have my teenagers in therapy, I go to group sessions, I go on this site....<P><BR>But it doesn't seem to help. I feel so helpless. Nothing in my life seems important. My H has been cheating on me since I was 28...I'm now 41. My whole life as revolved around being married. Now it's all a farce. I feel like a fool & my H does nothing to make me feel better. <P>I hate him for betraying me. I hate the OW for not caring about me or my feelings. Those OW aren't suffering like I am...it's not fair. They all have gone on to happy married lives, while I lay in bed night after night trying to decide the best way to leave this hell.<P>I need someone to talk to. I have a degree in psychology & worked as a social worker so I tend not to want to talk to professionals...I want to talk to real people that can be honest.<P>I hate my H for what he did, but I still love him.. But why???I loved him for who I thought he was & know he's none of those things.<P>Oh yeah now he wants to change...make it up to me. I can't stand picturing him w/ someone else, telling them lies about me, making me out to be a monster so he could feel good about himself. <P>Yes, I've been unhappy with our relationship or lack of (he worked 60 hours per week & traveled often) Mostly because I was lonely & felt like a married single mother...I begged for his attention....he gave it to others.<P>I"m rambling...if I stop I'll go crazy........<P>I appreciate everyone's opinion & again I'm sorry if I offended anyone.

Dear L,<P>You have been here a while. Take a look at my situation. You will either laugh or cry. I have done both. Why? Am I one for pain? Nope. Just got a bag of lemons and trying to squeeze the heck out of it and make something useful. Lemonade...... Needs lots of sugar though.<P>Why am I sharing all this? Well, I have definitely had my share of sharing, helping and being helped. Even if it means a good swift kick in the behind. Hm.... someone even said I was in the fog. Ya know, maybe they are right. Definitely have not been feeling strong lately. <P>But I want to let you know that you are still wanted here. Please bear up with some of us. I now know that when I first came I too sensed frustration and anger. Upset that not everyone came to my rescue whenever I posted. Nah, it is not because they did not care. These people are trying to survive just like you and I. <P>Come on, I may not be the best person to partner up with right now but I offer my hand to you. Please stay with us. If you would like to talk, I can send you my #. My e-mail address is on the JFO site, you are welcome to e-mail. <P>Right now, I feel like I got scolded because I am being too lienient with my H. They are right, I have been. Will it work or will he turn on me again? How much more will I put up with? Am I wearing out my welcome here? Well I have thought about all those questions, they concern me. But deep down, I know this board has helped me tremendously. There are many new ones here. It is hard to keep up with everyone. <P>L, you are important and special. Your situation and feelings are important to us. Please give us another chance. Ok? <P>Take Care,<BR>(the other)L. <P> <P>

Wow,<P>I haven't been posting for awhile--at least not very much. Your last post could have been written by me.<P>I also have been married to someone who probably cheated on me our whole marriage. I only knew about 6 of them. <P>I also have stood by him through 21 years of marriage and 4 years before that.<P>I was a great AF wife and supported him fully. I kept this family going while he concentrated on his career and his other women. Not much emotional support.<P>Even after all the crap he has done...I do still love him and probably always will. Sad, but the truth. Unfortunately, it doesn't change his perception of what our marriage was. Revisionist history is in full swing to justify his affair. We have 4 children involved.<P>I am lonely. But I will not let him destroy me or the kids. I will survive this. Life is a one time journey...and I picked the wrong person to travel with. I will learn to do things on my own and feel good about it...I am not there yet...but hope to be someday.<P>I just want to write to let you know that you are not alone. People who are supposed to love and cherish us, have decided not to keep their vows. Does it hurt, you bet, but I will not let it crush me. <P>I hope you keep posting. Now that I am back at school, I don't have as much time to post. I just want you to know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. No one deserves to be treated as poorly as we have been. Keep your chin up, life has to get better...it can't get worse!!!

I truly feel for you, I do. If you are an attractive, successful businesswoman, you can make this a success, too. Try reading "Surviving Betrayal" by Alice May. It is for women who have had their lives torn apart by infidelity. It literally saved me when I was in your position. It got me to believe that I was a whole person with or without my husband....got me on the right track to healing.<P>I think that people have a tendency to believe that if a woman can be a success in business, then she can handle ANYTHING. I remember several months ago when I was just so TIRED OF BEING STRONG. I wanted everyone to just let me fall apart. But, instead, I picked myself up off the ground, along with all the little pieces of my heart, and discovered that not only was I strong, but that I was smart. Smart people don't let other people ruin their lives. Right? Well, I know that's easy to say, but I did it, and if I can do it, you can too. <P>It's a long haul, but in the end, you will be a better person. Nothing is worth dying for.<P>Please take care of yourself, and do something RIGHT NOW for YOU.<P>Love<BR>Bound<BR>

Hi Louser....<P>I'm very sorry you're hurting so bad. But please don't go....Sure, there are a few posters here that aren't helpful (ie: lexxxy, BonnieSmug). Just hit that scroll button and zoom right past their stuff, like I do! The good FAR outweighs the bad here.<P>You defineatly have one thing good thing in your life....living on Cape Cod! What a great place! We've layed over and re-fueled at Hyannis harbor on a few occasions....not as often as we'd like, due to the distance from our home port of Ocean City, MD.....but, every chance we get. <P>You'll get through this, louser....you gotta LOTTA livin to do lady!<P>Best Wishes<BR>Xman <BR>

Thanks everyone........<P>Yes, Cape Cod can be beautiful, however, this was the worst summer of my life. Summer was always a special time for me & my H. Boating, beaching, fishing...<P>We have had sooo many huge cookouts over the years. Averaging at least 30-40 little kids running around & swimming in our beautiful pool.<P>This year not 1 cookout. No friends...they don't want to forgive my H...they all feel he has betrayed them by living a double life...none of them ever saw anything wrong.<P>Bound<BR>Thanks for the book info I will get it tomorrow.<P><BR>Orchid<BR>I would NEVER laugh at your situation..when I read your post earlier I was so upset..I don't know how any of us make it.<P><BR>I guess if I'm planning on buying that book tomorrow I can't kill myself tonight.<P>H just got home 8:30pm......too late in my book. <BR>

Hi Louser:<P>There are times in our lives in which we feel that there is little reason for going on....that nothing we do is going to matter...the life is never going to be good again....I'm afraid that you are in one of those periods.<P>I been dealing with my WH's infidelity for about 5 years now, off and on, although basically with the same woman. I have been were you are...trying to rebuild a marriage with an unrepentant WH...not sure if I even wanted to be still in the marriage....but until the last few months I've never had what you have...a husband who really wants to work on the marriage and appears to be there for you...although not quite on the terms you want him to be....and that would be a gift to many on this board.<P>Unfortunately you are not yet in the place where you can except that he may never give you reasons that you can understand for the infidelity because often he doesn't know either....he just knows he had a need and he tried to fulfill it. And you are thinking of it as if it were all something he's done to you personally...it's not about you although you have gotten badly hurt in the process....he didn't do this to you...he did it to himself...and you can divorce him and let him reap the consequences of what he's done...or you can choose (and I do mean choose) to get past it by force of will.<P>Four children and potential grandchildren and the life that lies ahead of you should be incentive enough for you to begin to let go of all this hurt and betrayal you feel. I know that I am not telling you anything that you don't really already know...but I don't think you have internalized it as something that you have to do to cure yourself and be able to move on.<P>The choice is certainly up to you....just like leaving this board is your choice....but you will give up a lot of comfort and support from this board...from people who really can put themselves in your shoes and understand...we may not always agree but we all can sympathize....and just trying to help others tends to crystalize your own preceptions and helps you develop other ways of dealing with your own problems.<P>The first thing I would do is lose that name "louser" because there are no lousers here...not as long as we keep trying. Change your name like Cali did...find a positive in your life and identify with it...something you like...something that you're proud of...something to be postive about. Please comeback in a new frame of mind...with a new commitment to move forward with hope.<BR>We'll be here...trying to help...when you need it.<P>Faye<P><BR>

Hi louser. Please don't go. C'mon girl this is where you need to be. We all need each other right now. We all get those crazy thoughts in our head about ending our lives over this pain and turmoil that we've been through. Did we ask for it? Hell no, do we like it? Of course not I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone. Louser we all feel like giving up and question ourselves as to why we are putting up with this. You are certainly not alone in your quest to understand, move on and feel some type of normalcy and stability in your life. You can do this. Baby steps, remember we must crawl before we can walk. There are so many people here that care about you. Please stay. If you are that depressed I beg you to call someone. If you check my post from the weekend you will see that Fri. was a very bad day for me. I took some percocet (not because I wanted to commit suicide) because i didn't want to think or feel or deal with this crap anymore. I just wanted to escape for awhile. I scared myself and my H it was just stupid. Had anything happened what would my kids have done. That was one day the rest of the weekend was better. Guess what I'm trying to say is you will overcome this. Tomorrow is another day and tomorrow and the next day and the day after that we will be here for you. My thoughts and prayers are with you. God Bless, <BR>C

The name louser is really not me or how I felt when I first signed on here. My H's name is Lou...so I felt he was a louser & because of him I was on this site pouring my heart out to strangers....<P>I have felt so strong so many times, said my love is stronger than the A's, but my H always seems to do or say someyhing that causes me to slip. We discuss it in counseling & my H seems to "hear" me, but after a few days he reverts back to old behavior. When I remind him..I'm a nag.<P><BR>Yes, I am thankful that I have an H who is willing to try, however, I'm not so sure it is totally genuine. <P>Remember, I have tried to kill myself twice. It was after the 2nd very close attempt that he decided to stay & confess all. Also the kids found out & he doesn't want to look any worse than he does. He is still very selfish.

We are trying to give you the benefit of years of dealing with this situation...and trying to get you to see that there are stages in this process...and at each stage things will appear a little different to you...you cannot imagine how much more you will understand when you've been here and gone through all the necessary stages.<P>If you'll listen and try to get past all the anger you will save yourself countless months of grief...but if you continue to stay in the pure anger...reactionary early discovery stage then months from now you will either find yourself divorced or still unable to move forward in the marriage.<P>I don't care what he did...its done...not important now...what's important is what happens from here on out...and that's up to you and how you deal with it. You are continuing to deal with him in the same way...and you are getting the same response...get past the anger and begin to find ways to reach out to your H...not in anger but in acceptance of what has happened and what needs to happen to fix it so that your marriage has a future. MB has the tools...spend some time finding the right tool instead of spending time dealing with the anger.<P>Oh, I would still get a new name...it's a new game...don't you think?<P>Faye<BR>

Faye..<P>I really do try. I let the anger go & then I see my H start to take me for granted & old behaviors start to appear.<P>I try & look the other way...give him space...try & understand why he did what he did...<P>I do understand, what I don't understand is how he could just be so stupid & not think about me & the kids and how "sex" could destroy & whole family & friendships.<P>My whole life has changed, & not for the better.<P>I don't think of this as a game...it's my life, my children's lives...He played games.

I'm glad you are getting the book. I hope it helps you, it sure helped me!<P>Right now, your life has changed for the worse, but soon it will change for the better. It's hard (if not impossible) to imagine that right now, but it truly will get better.<P>Cape Cod, huh? We will be visiting your area in October. Planning to do the Boston/Plymouth/CapeCod thing for a few days, then a fall foilage tour thru RI & CT; and on to Salem for the "Bewitching Hour". Quite fitting with all that Wicca talk going on over there this evening. I've never been up in those parts (except for Boston to work), so I'm really looking forward to it. <P>Please know you are in my thoughts.<P>B<BR>

Hi, I don't think we've met yet - but your post really struck me and if I can possibly give you some hope, some encouragement, some strength - or even just a hug - then I'll try.<P>I know where you are. This is hell, there's no two ways about it, it's by far the toughest thing I've ever had to cope with. My story in brief: Married for 16 years, 2 daughters, emigrated from England to the USA about 20 months ago (leaving all my friends and family behind). I discovered that my husband had become good friends with a woman he'd met through business - I was worried, but he'd never even looked at another woman throughout our marriage and swore to me that it was just a friendship, that he loved me and would never leave me. 2 weeks later I found out I was pregnant - an accident, a zillion to one chance. I told him straight away, I was in shock as we hadn't planned on having any more kids, but I also had that excited, special feeling that comes with discovering you are going to have a baby. His reaction horrified me - no way did he want another child and I would have to get rid of it. I broke down, was shaking, felt sick...he held me tight, drove me home, put me to bed. Gave me the phone book so I could ring Planned Parenthood and arrange an abortion. Promised me that we'd get through this together and that he'd be there for me. Then he went out for dinner with his 'friend' as he said he needed to sort things out with her once and for all. Later that night I got a phone call - it was OW's husband, he had followed his wife and caught them kissing in the restaurant car park, he beat up my husband pretty badly and he was taken to hospital by ambulance. I was in so much shock - I had no transport, no one to watch the girls while I got a taxi to the hospital, I was drained after spending over an hour sobbing to a counsellor on a crisis helpline over the abortion decision. Finally I got a call from him, he was OK - pretty badly beaten, stitches, swollen, bruised - but alive. He said he wasn't coming home. I later found out that he booked into a hotel with the OW and they had sex for the first time that night. He returned in the morning to say that they were in love and he wanted a divorce. A week later I had the abortion - it was the worst experience I've ever had to go through and it affected me badly. I was 'in limbo' at the time, I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, just sat in the corner and sobbed. I tried to kill myself several times too. I was over 5,500 miles from home and having to deal with this. I found MarriageBuilders.... <BR>The wonderful people on this site gave me the strength and support I needed to crawl back onto my feet again. The first thing I did was to go to the doctors and get on anti-depressants - in turn, they gave me the boost I needed to cope with the next 4 months of Plan A'ing and trying to cope with the aftermath of what had happened to me. My husband stayed in the hotel, came back for a few nights and slept in the guest room while I went through the ab, then moved into an apartment. <P>My husband was absolutely, 100%, completely sure that he and OW were 'twin souls', their love was like no other love that had ever been. My family and friends were astounded that I could still have feelings for him after what he'd done, never mind that I wanted him back, I wanted our marriage to work....but I KNEW, I KNEW, that this was a mid-life crisis - it had all the signs, and from what I'd read on this website, his 'love' for this OW was anything but unique - it was a very common thing for these WH's to be feeling. I've got tremendous support from my friends here - I chose the path I wanted to take and stuck to it. My husband moved back almost 3 weeks ago now and we are in recovery. <BR>There is ALWAYS hope. If you're not on anti-depressants yet - then get on them as quickly as possible. Believe me, they WILL help. Post and post and post - we are here to support you and we care about what happens to you. The process of going through this will strengthen you - believe me, I'm a completely different woman now - I have so much self-confidence in my own abilities, in my own strength. I'm not scared of anything anymore - because I survived this. Women are blessed with unbelievable strength and courage - and there is a bond between us that enables us to support each other during the worst times. In some ways, I needed this to happen - because I've grown and learnt so much through it. I've learnt forgiveness, compassion, patience, grace. I've learnt to love myself. You will too - I have complete faith in you, you CAN do this. <P>It's OK to take time-out. - Plan A'ing is desperately draining on your emotions and 6 months is long enough. Read up on Plan B and concentrate on cherishing yourself for a while. <P>Hugs and Peace - go be the Goddess you were born to be!<BR>love Paint.<P>