My H the WS says he regrets his Multiple PA's.<BR>At first he didn't, he blamed it all on me. Now after counseling & my attempted suicide he says it was all a mistake.<P>Can I believe him ?<P>I can't getthe pictures of him with the OP out of my head. It inhibits everything we try & do especially love making.<P>Do the WS have pictures in there heads ?<P>If I could get in my H's head I know I would have the answers to move forward.<P>Can any WS let me in there head a little ??

Fire away. What do you want to know?<P>

louser....<P>Please...you really don't want to 'get into the head' of your husband. The mind...is a collection bin of thousands of images and thoughts. One has no control over what 'enters' the mind....only what is allowed to remain and be thought upon. It's those thoughts that work their way into the heart...and eventually...from the abundance of the heart....those things come out.<P>You ask about 'regret'. That can mean a lot of things. Regret and sorrow over all the pain...that everyone involved has experienced. A WS is caught in a web of entanglements and thoughts. There is sorrow over not having something that seemed so real and wonderful....sorrow for failing the wife by betraying her....regret....for allowing things to go so far...<P>Believe me....you don't want to know all that stuff. If you want the marriage to work....concentrate on those things that are good...and true...and positive indicators or some form of healing.

I was just on your post so I'm not sure if you are at the right stage of your MB to help but...here goes.<P><BR>When you make love to the OW do you ever fantasize that it's your wife ?<P>Do you tell the OW that you love her ?<P>Does she say she loves you ?<P>Does it feel like the same kind of love you had with your spouse before you got married ?<P>Do you consider yourself mature ?<P>Can a man love his wife & his mistress ?<P>Do you ever stop thinking about the OW?<P>What do you think about ?<P>Will the BS ever be "better" than the OP?<P>Here's a start.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by louser:<BR><B>I was just on your post so I'm not sure if you are at the right stage of your MB to help but...here goes.<P><BR>When you make love to the OW do you ever fantasize that it's your wife ?</B><P>Never. The sexual intimacy is far greater than what I ever experienced with my wife, almost inexplicable. What I thought of was nothing but the sheer pleasure and fulfillment we both were giving each other at the time. And it wasn't just sex, the overpowering feelings of love were so intense. In that respect, it is what I thought sex and passion in marriage should be.<P><B>Do you tell the OW that you love her ?</B><P>Yes. The A started as EA, I was truly (I believe) in love.<P><B>Does she say she loves you ?</B><BR>Yes, and I have no doubt she does. We share such an incredible romance, one that I have never felt with my W.<P><B>Does it feel like the same kind of love you had with your spouse before you got married ?</B><P>No, not at all. The love I felt for my W pales in comparison for the feelings I have had for OW.<P><B>Do you consider yourself mature ?</B><P>Yes. Although I feel more mature now that when I met and "fell in love" with my spouse.<P><B>Can a man love his wife & his mistress ?</B><P>Yes, I believe so. But I think that something's gonna give sooner or later. That's why I am here.<P><B>Do you ever stop thinking about the OW?</B><P>At first, I could not stop thinking about her. At time I wondered if I was obsessing. This was before I ever revealed my feelings to her. When I confessed that I had strong emotional feelings to her, we went straight into an EA. Then it turned physical. <P><B>What do you think about ?</B><P>Let me get back to you on that. I could go on for days with that one.<P><BR>Will the BS ever be "better" than the OP?<P>I believe she can be better. It all depends on how comitted she is to getting throught this. Equally important is how comitted I am to severing the ties (and addiction?) to OW. (D-day hasn't happened yet, although there's been suspicion for a long time of my A)<P>Here's a start.[/B]<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I respectufully disagree to a certain extent with Lighthouse. I think it's important to understand the person/mind with whom you are dealing. Whether it's productive or not might be questionable.<P>you can email me at anon138@hotmail.com if you'd like.<P>Hope this helps. <p>[This message has been edited by Bad Hubby (edited September 04, 2001).]

[QUOTE]Originally posted by louser:<P>When you make love to the OW do you ever fantasize that it's your wife ?<BR>In my case it was the OM and no I never did fantasize about him in any way.<P>Do you tell the OW that you love her ?<BR>No, I never did tell him that I loved him.<P>Does she say she loves you ?<BR>Yes, he wrote to me in a letter when I broke it off with him.<P>Does it feel like the same kind of love you had with your spouse before you got married ?<BR>It was never love, so no it wasn't the same.<P>Do you consider yourself mature ?<BR>Yes I do feel that I'm very mature for my age. During the A, I felt that I wasn't ready to settle down because none of my friends were married.<P>Can a man love his wife & his mistress ?<BR>I think a person can love more than one person at any time, it's just a different type of love. It may not be the same love for both of them.<P>Do you ever stop thinking about the OW?<BR>I think about how I screwed up, the guilt and pain I've caused.I guess they call them triggers. I will see a car that looks like OM's and I start to fell panicky.<P>What do you think about ?<BR>To vague, please be more specific.<P>Will the BS ever be "better" than the OP?<BR>Always. He is faithful, trust worthy, supportive and loving!!!<P>

I replied to your questions, but then thought it probably wasn't a good idea.<P>I'm sorry if my response to one of your postings upset you yesterday. I disagreed with the general nature of your comments. <BR>But I didn't mean that as a personal attack. And I'm sure that it must have contributed to your unhappiness -- for that I am sorry.<P>[This message has been edited by Lexxxy (edited September 05, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by Lexxxy (edited September 05, 2001).]

Thanks all.<P>Thankyou Lexxy...<P>I agreed w/ you before in regards to being "selfish" self centered...I do believe that some people can be "pushed" into self destructive or different than normal behaviors because of the actions & abuse of others.<P><BR>Believe me I have thought about having a PA just to get even or see what it's like...<P>Unfortunately I have had too many opportunities..Not good if I'm Plan Aing, but nothing happened...I couldn't. Felt way to guilty & stupid. Plus, I'm a married woman.<P><BR>To All WS....<P>Why is sex so important ??? Can't you have a EA with your spouse ? That will hopefully lead to a great physical relationship ??? It seems so simple...If the WS put 50% as much effort that they put into their relationship w/the OP they would probably see a "change" in their spouse. It just seems that everyone takes the easy way out...<P><BR>Sure if your nice to the OP he/she will be nice back..That's easy there's not much history there<P>But your spouse...if your nice..he/she may reject you because of some "history" or he/she may be nice back...Too much trouble ?? Why take the chance ?? Because you owe your spouse that much. We all took & chance when we got married & we all expect our spouse to go through the "trouble" to make it last. Its called commitment.

Louser -- I know what you're saying. I feel like I really DID make those efforts. Things change, resentments build, there are so many combination of events (Life!) that cause a relationship to change.<P>What made me happy once doesn't anymore. I really did try. Do I have to try forever? And why is it that once I gave up is when he got interested in trying?<P>Its kind of interesting in a way -- you said put 50% of the effort into my BS to see a change. I saw the change when I STOPPED putting in the effort. ????<P><BR>