Hi everyone, I'm somewhat new here, but I've read a lot of your posts. Here's my problem:<BR>Almost 3 years ago my fiance had a one night stand when he was in college. He was pretty drunk at the time it happened. Since then he doesn't drink excessively and he's been wonderful to me. I love him with all my heart and I know he feels the same about me. He is the only man I've ever had sex with, and I was his only one too, until this one night stand. I know that he is very sorry about what happened and I'm sure it won't happen again, but it's just so hard to let it go. Some days I do fine, but other days I dwell on it, and just think about it a lot. It really bothers me that he's been with someone else. I hate to look at the things he had in his apartment where this happened because I think, "Oh, that stereo was there when he had sex with that girl." I hate it, it just about drives me nuts. We're getting married next year, and there's not a doubt in my mind that he's the one for me, so my question is not "should I marry him?" my question is how do I let it go??

Hi Skibunny,<P>My wife had a two night stand which I found unbelievable. I doubt she will do it again. She is sorry she did it but she did it. You cannot change the past. Things happen in this world and it could always be worse. So if you want to me with this person you have no choice but to let go. It seems impossible to not dwell on it. It has been 7 months since I found out and I still think of it each day. But I am less angry (if I don't think about it too long). The alternative is to divorce separate or whatever. I don't think this solves anything. Would you want your man with another woman and be happy the rest of his life, forget the whole thing and you are still miserable? It's much much worse if you were married and he did this. Consider yourself more lucky than the rest of us. You were not married, it was only one night, he won't do it again, there is no more contact, there are no children involved, you are not looking at a divorce, you both are young, your finace was drunk (a lot of people who had affairs were not), etc. Try to find the bright side. Life is short. Some people are blind, have no legs, have a family member die in a car accident, get gang raped ,... all kinds of awful things happen. Put this in perspective, you are lucky he is a decent guy now. We all make mistakes. This seems unforgiveable but it is. You are not married yet. Now he learned his lesson so at least your marriage is safe. Forget the before marriage stuff. Probably you will never forget it but it will drive you crazy to keep thinking about it. You cannot marry until you deal with this mental problem.

The only way to let it go it to STOP THINKING ABOUT IT. My counselor suggested a marvelous technique that sounds a little absurd, but it works:<P>Allow yourself time to obsess, but LIMIT that time. Tell yourself, I'm only going to think about this for 10 minutes. Take off all your clothes and get in the bathtub. The bathtub has to be EMPTY, so it's cold and very uncomfortable. Supposedly, you will begin to associate the obsessing with the cold and uncomfortable feelings, and decide that it's not worth being cold and uncomfortable in order to think about it. Or maybe you'll decide that getting undressed is just too much trouble to think about it.<P>Told ya it sounds crazy! What if someone walked in on you? How would you explain yourself? <P>Another good trick to change your thinking habits is to wear a rubber band on your wrist. When you start to obsess about it, pop yourself real good. Now you'll be thinking about the pain instead of the ordeal in question.<P>Ya'll probably think I'm a lunatic , but we do what we have to do!<P>Good luck,<BR>B<BR>

skibunny, I am sorry you have problems of letting go. I can relate to this and I am trying hard myself to find a way to find closure. <P>My advice is to read a few books. Sometimes it is easier to manage when you have some understanding about why. Please consider reading "Getting the love you want", Harville Hendrix, "After the affair", Janis Spring, "Surviving an affair", the Harleys, or "Torn Asunder", Dave Carder. Also, study this site and see what others have experienced.<P>bound for better days, that's good advice! I have asked others for concrete advice and this is concrete! I'll consider it and maybe to create your own exercise of it would be OK? You really have to fool your brain when it's going crazy it seems... But I'll try anything if it helps me!<P>Good luck, skibunny!<BR>-she-

It has been almost 4 years since my wife admitted to one one night stand and one 'attempted quickie' in a motel room, the good reverend's spirit was ever so willing but his flesh was a little weak, maybe 'soft' is a better word. <BR>The hurt never goes away completly, we had been married over 25 years when she did this to us. Somedays I still, and I mean still, can't believe she did what she did. It is like the proverbial bad dream. And some times she says things now that are absolutely ludicrous considering what she did. She says things that just stun me due to the inconsistency with what she did and what she says now. She met one guy in real life for the very first time at an airport after cybesexing with him in a chatroom for like 3 mos. So they finally meet in real life and within the hour she goes to a motel by the airport with this stranger has sex with him!! Now she when we're watching the news and there is a story about some woman being raped and or killed by someone in a similar circumstance , my wife says, "Gee how could a woman be so stupid?" Everytime she says something like that I just turn my head very slowly and look at her in absolute disbelief that she actually said what she just said. But somehow in her mind what she did was different because I honest to God don't think she sees the similarities.<BR>I fully plan on things triggering those ugly memories for me forever. I wish I could let them go as totally as she has been able to do. It's just unbelievable.<BR>Good luck.

Some ladies don't seem to have any kind of logic. They could be bright and talented in all ways but the things theyt say regarding male and female matters is totally idiotic. My wife had a two night affair. Now I tell her to be careful and avoid the kinds of situations that caused her affair. She will tell me that wearing a revealing dress to a new city and travelling there by herself is no problem. She said as long as she doesn't have bad intentions, it is OK. Another, younger men, that menas a guy who is say 33 would not be interested in a lady who is older where older means 35. Totally stupid. Another is to travel to another city with some stranger because of business reasons. Another, getting a massage late at night by some guy in a deserted office is OK because he is a doctor and doctors don't do bad things. The list goes on. This woman is far from stupid. Smart academically. Smart in business. But when it comes to these things, very stupid. I can't make sense of it myself. <P>To deal with our minds we do have to make a mental effort to see a big stop sign when we notice our minds going there to obsess. It takes a decision to get our minds onto another topic. Hopefully in time our minds will stop doing the obsessing. I think if you allow your mind to obsess, it will never quit doing it all your life. Treat you mind like it was a separate person, like a child inside your head that you have to control. You have to teach your mind and retrain your mind.

This is exactly my problem....I asked my H for ever nitty gritty of each of his 4 affairs...I got what I asked for & now I can't forget it.