yesterday H and i were having a conversation about our feelings. he had said i love you.... and i said something in my most nonLB way but you arent in love with me.<P>mind you H never said this is what i gathered from from my past years experience as a BS.<BR> h said yes i am...... my reply was i dont think you are because if you are then you would hgave never betrayed me i wnet on to say that Loving him like i do i could NEVER cause him pain like what i have been through andi just didnt feel that he was IN love with me because of his infidelity, his seeing her after DDay , his defense of her "good name" , his fog, his waffling, etc. meaning all the pain he has caused me and still to this day will defend her to an extent.<P>his reply<BR> what are you making for supper.<P>i had previously explained to him how i NEED to talk about it, and need to ask questions about rather than sweep it under the carpet like hes done.<P>his reply to that............... mention her again and im done.<P>meaning leaving me??????<P>hes THREATENING to leave me?????<P>this is a joke right?<BR>how much Crap am i suppose to deal with?<BR>I can only take so and <BR>that snide comment ... well lets just sa yi ignored it.. if i didnt i would have LBed all over the place...<P>how dare he threaten to leave me after all HE has done me.<BR>saddest part is it probrably wouldnt bother me for long <P>i dont even know how i feel right now........ i still feel the pain, the nausiated feeling of the betrayal. Everything is still My fault.<BR>i still get yelled at for nothing.<BR>he only like me when hes smokin pot.<P>ah well<BR>just needed to vent thanks for listening<P><BR>

I had this same situation with my husband. He said "I can't take this anymore," meaning he couldn't stand to talk about it anymore and answer my questions. To which I replied, "YOU can't take it anymore??? I CAN'T take it anymore!! I can't stand to think about it anymore yet I am stuck with it!" If he can't stand to face the consequences of his own actions, then I SURELY can't! It's bad enough that I had to settle for a man who would do this, but to ask me to shut up about the damage he caused and not go through the recovery process is asking for way too much. <P>He never told me to shut up again and I have got it completely out of my system now. <P>P.S. My method is no doubt contrary to MB principles, but it did work.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>...my reply was i dont think you are because if you are then you would hgave never betrayed me i wnet on to say that Loving him like i do i could NEVER cause him pain like what i have been through andi just didnt feel that he was IN love with me because of his infidelity, his seeing her after DDay , his defense of her "good name" , his fog, his waffling, etc. meaning all the pain he has caused me and still to this day will defend her to an extent.<P>his reply<BR> what are you making for supper.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Rox,<BR>Welllll, here I go....<BR>I don't think you're going to like what I have to say....but someone's got to say it.<BR>Your "conversation" as outlined above was a LB. <B>disrespectful judgments, criticism</B><P>I'm not saying you didn't have the RIGHT to be upset, or <B>THINK</B> what you were thinking. Just that he (obviously) took it as a LB when you voiced it. That's why he changed the subject! It's what men do. It's what men have been doing for eons. Doesn't matter if they have been UNfaithful, or the most faithful creature on the planet. When they are done discussing a subject, they CHANGE THE SUBJECT!<P><B>i had previously explained to him how i NEED to talk about it, and need to ask questions about rather than sweep it under the carpet like hes done.</B><P>UNfortunately, you NEED to talk about it when he's <B> READY</B> to talk about it! If you hurry it along, it is a MAJOR LB for him....not a good scenario in which to build trust and safety for him to return.<P><B>his reply to that............... mention her again and im done.</B><P>SEE?!?!?!<P><B>meaning leaving me??????<P>hes THREATENING to leave me?????<P>this is a joke right?<BR>how much Crap am i suppose to deal with?<BR>I can only take so and <BR>that snide comment ... well lets just sa yi ignored it.. if i didnt i would have LBed all over the place...</B><P>How much "crap" depends on whether you want to save your M or not, and that's entirely up to you. <P>Sorry to be hard on you, darlin' but you went outside the bounds of what will make him want to stay, and someone had to say it to you. I ASSUME you asked cause you wanted feedback. If not, then I guess what they say about the word "[censored]-U-ME" is true!<P>Lupo

Just today after explaining to my WSH that all I wanted was respect & to please stop saying nasty mean things to me he<BR>got upset when I called him crying because I was having a terrible day w/ kids. work etc etc<P>He said "All you do is b****" You're the one that wanted to work. <P>When I explained that going to work for me was my release from an unhappy mariage & at least I di something constructive instead of destructive...he said to me<BR>Whats the difference...Your job kept you away from me & the kids ? <P>The difference....why are WS so blind. They cheated because they don't care & then they try & MB and still don't care.<P>I"m with you...it's not fair & the silent treatment & threats just hurt us more.

LOTR,<P>I know that Lupe was very hard on you.. please listen to her and understand that what Lupe is saying is exactly true. If you need to vent and talk about it.. you can use me for your punching bag.. <I>just no below the belt punching</I> <P>------------------<BR>Semper Fi,<P><B>Husband2You</B><BR>*****<BR><I>···In the valley of the blind the one eye'd man is King···</I><P>· E-mail: <B> husband2you@petroleum.org </B> · ICQ: <B><A HREF="http://wwp.icq.com/1206499" TARGET=_blank>1206499</A></B> · Formerly: <B>E m p t y</B> ·

LOTR, boy I know what you mean about them changing the subject and then the threats. I got my WH cell phone bill again yesterday it came in the mail and I opened it up. Major LB I know but I don't care. If he weren't so dishonest with me I wouldn't have to snoop. He then said what did I tell you I was going to do if you opened another cell bill? I said I don't know divorce me? He said no I think you would like that to much. Not sure what that was suppose to mean anyway he told me before he would have his cell# changed and not give it to me. At this point I don't care. The reason I know my H changes the subject is he can't face the truth right now. It's easier to keep up with the lies. Pitiful. Hang in there LOTR.<BR>cybil

Hi LOTR<P>What you said to your H, is exactly what I would want to say to my H. But, I agree with lupo 100%. And, that is exactly why H changes the subject, he's NOT ready. It doesn't mean that he will never be ready. But, as you can see now is not a good time for him. Especialy, if your goal is to build your marriage.<P>

Wow.... It seems there is a pattern here. My husband did the same thing. I would say something to him that I thought was a horrible realization about the OW and he would just say,"really"like I had just said something good and facsinating like,"Did you know I won a free soda?" "really!"<P>I think they can't handle hearing all the bad things about her/him because it reminds them of the stupid choice they made to have the relationship in the first place. You are reminding them how stupid they were while in the fog. <P>Early on ,after Dday, my H never wanted to talk about "it"<BR>so whenever I wanted to know more details he would always give me the same answer. I know you've heard it. It's the ever popular "I don't know." "I don't rememeber" What????<BR>The thing with my H was/is...is that he is a conflict avoider to the tenth power. They are terrible about talking about anything they find uncomfortable. My H thinks if he forgets about it it will just go away.<P>He tried that approach with the OW. It's been 3 years since DDay and she still is out there lurking. The problem is that he never told her no contact..at all.And she's also psychotic.<P>I believe it was my H lack of total committent to my healing his affair. Now, after all this time he seems to be getting it. I needed time to forget. He needed time to become attached to me and our family instead of detached which is what having an A does. He was like an outsider in his own life...a non participant.<P>I guess the bottom line is time.<BR>The WS needs to give you all the time you need to heal.<BR>They need to be understanding and sensitive when you are having a bad day.<BR>They need to put everything out in the open...all the dirty laundry...so you can deal with the bad stuff and start to create the good stuff all over again.<P>TIME TIME TIME

thanks all for the replies lupo i value your input and will think on that some more i dont have alot of time right now but let me just mention its been a year since Dday and 4 months out of the fog...<P>take care all will post more later

LuvOnTheRox,<P>I agree and relate to what you're explaning!<P>viva,<P>Are we twins? You're telling my story, no doubt! Only difference is that we haven't come so far yet. It all seems to be a pattern as you say. Why are people on "the one side" (BS) seeing things one way and the people on "the other" (WS) see it totally different?? Why?<P>Would you mind telling a bit more on what actually worked eventually? I would love to learn!<P>-she-