Separated, but doing the Plan A. Do not know if there is continued contact, but have been holding back on contacting him since dday, six weeks ago.<P>Will this ruin plan A if I contact OM? It was supposedly a EA that may be over or may have progressed. Do I deserve to know the answer if I'm going to continue to plan a?

Well, if you contact the OM he will surely lie to you and then you are no furhter ahead then you were excet you have love busted your wife and she will be angry with you and have someting to blame you for.<P>Lora

Hi. I contacted the OW two different times and if I had to do it over again I probably would do the same thing. It added some questions, it answered other questions but most of all it gave me a chance to give her a piece of my mind. The second time I told her to stay away from me and my children (we live in a small community and her children go to school with my children) or I would smear her name all over town. She didn't appreciate that. You need to make that decision on your own, but for me it was worth it. I wanted her to know I was strong and she didn't scare me.<P>Good luck to you.

Wouldn't do it if I were you. Worst mistake in my life.

I never contacted or confronted OW. I did, however, file an Anti Harassment Order on her for harassing me.<P>I would use your own discretion, just be prepared for your W to consider it an LB, and that would be a Love Bank withdrawal ... not a Plan A way of doing things.<P>In addition, it may draw them (OM and W) closer together [us against the world].<P>Jo

Quite honestly I do not understand all this trepidation about contacting op or op spouses. It won't make a hill of beans difference to the ws, cause they would do the same thing, and we know it (the supposed anger etc is all show). But I would suggest doing it in a constructive manner (not vindictively), and after a reasonable effort at a good plan a (month or so without LB), and because your ws will not do no contact. If your ws dumps you for this, they would have anyways.

So SnL - I really haven't kept up. Sorry. Has your BS contacted the OW? If so, how did that make you feel?

What is your reasoning for wanting to contact the OM? <P>If it's to tell him that you exist and that you want your W and M back, then I'd say, go for it.<P>If it's a matter of asking him questions about the A with your W, it isn't worth it. It's highly unlikely that he'll tell the truth, and even if he does, it's possible that it's based on lies from your W.<P>Just my opinion <P>Karen<P>btw, I called all 3 OW, including OW#1's H. Doing so didn't solve anything at the time, but it sure made me feel better letting them know that I knew what was going on! <P>

Better yet if there's a spouse involved, call them. I called OW's husband and relayed info given to me by my husband. OP's spouse will not lie to you, but OM will.<P>Just my two cents worth. Worked for me!<P>Shazam<p>[This message has been edited by Shazam (edited September 06, 2001).]

ewo, not yet, but she will. At this point I understand a lot of things better. But I always knew instinctively a bs should be told by whoever knows (sort of a civic duty thingy). But now I understand radical honesty is absolutely essential for everyones well-being (whether the marriage survives or not). Still I threatened my bs to keep quiet for a long time. However had she not, I wouldn't have taken any negative action for it, she had every right to tell, and I knew it. My hope now (for her own well-being, and any chance she really has of getting to the truth of her marriage, is that the ow confess, maybe she has, I dunno, we are in no contact now, and so far both behaving ourselves). W is giving her some time to do the right thing, and will follow up with a calm, matter-of-fact informing H of the facts....they will do whatever they will with them, hopefully something constructive, and not alot of woe is me, or denial stuff, but that is their choice I guess. I told her long ago about the MB stuff, hopefully she has studied up on it.

Your post was a bit confusing in that I wasn't sure you were threatening your W or the OW about not telling. And who was telling whom what. I feel some positive stuff here ...think about the woman you married..she is THERE and she is willing to accept you even after all of this. If she didn't love you, you'd be out the door. If you didn't love her, she'd be out the door. Now (same ol') get off the computer and go HOLD THINKER. Dang it. A touch is worth a thousand words....

I want to contact OM to tell him that I am hanging in there with my marriage and that I realize my wife was mostly at fault for pursuing him. However, regardless of who pursued who...he inserted himself into my children's lives my pursuing my wife to some extent and at least partially because of that she became confused and moved out.<P>I want to let him know the hurt he's caused my kids and that I won't forget and that I'll be around. Is it a threat? Yes, will I act on it...I don't know. <P>I will stand up for and defend my children against anything and I think he needs to know that. It's not about hurting me or about me at all. It's about his involvement indirectly with my kids.<P>Problem is, I don't want to LB my wife and I don't know since we're separated if she even see's him or talks to him at this point. We've been separated about a month and things are pleasant...do I give it more time?

This may be annoying but you need to understand something. You do NOT own your wife. She is an adult, and if she is confused that is her fault not the om. You have no status whatsoever to tell/order either of them what they can or cannot do. And this om may very well end up your childrens step-dad, so it behooves you to not make your children an issue, just to disguise what you really want, which is your wife to do what YOU want, not what she wants. Now having said all that, I realize this all "feels" very threatening, and indeed if you think the om is predatory, then by all means attack him....but if he is not, you have just made a huge mistake, and proven you are a complete idiot to your wife, as well as a controlling sob...(this is what she will think, not necessarily my opinion, so don't get mad at me...ok).<P>You already know I am in favor of contacting op spouse (if done correctly), and you can read sad dad post for more thoughts on how this ws (me) sees such issues. Just keep in mind threats are a serious business, and rarely turn out how one thinks they will. He did not insert himself in anything, your wife invited him. And in the most basic sense, she did so cause she thinks she is a better person wiht the om, than you, which means she thinks her kids are better off with her married to om, than to you...you have got to act with some kind of idea how/why your ws thinks/feels as they do, as well as what ws needs. That is why no LB and plan a's are recommended at first. The only thing I would do is acknowledge all the work YOU have to do, and ask her for a chance to show your willingness, and to stop contact while you do....NO anger, NO woe is me, NO guilt...and NO threats to anyone, but I would risk telling (as compassionately as possible) the ow spouse. This is a serious advantage to you, not unreasonable (your ws knows that no matter how much they complain), and a civic responsibility to be your brother's keeper (sister in this case), this woman needs to know, and anyone who knows has an obligation to tell her.

manfaith,<P>I contacted OW. I am very glad I did. If you want to know my reasoning, please read more on this post:<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/012123.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/012123.html</A> <P>Also, in this post there's a link to yet another post on this subject.<P>The objective is the important thing, I think. Why you want to do it and what you think it will achieve. It's unrealistic to hope for that they will cry and apologize. But to know that you exist and that you will take action is a good thing. If W/H still have feelings for OP it might not be a good timing. Just my thoughts.<P>Take your time to consider this.<BR>-she-

Interesting and timely topic for me. My W and I did a no contact phone call a couple of weeks back. I said nothing in the phone call, but sent him an email following up the phone call. Yesterday, I confronted my W and found out that OM has been calling her. I sent him an email stating that he was asked to stop and that he has no regard for a marriage. He responded that he would like to talk to me over the phone. I didn't think that was appropriate but agreed to talk to him tomorrow. He says he wants to apologize for continuing the phone calls and would like to continue the friendship but will quit if it means saving my W's marriage and would like to discuss anything I wish to discuss.