I'm so pissed right now!!<P>Let me start at the beginning. I came in from work today and the phone rang. It was the new bass player for the band. H listed off five new songs that they are going to start playing. One of them was "One More Day" by Diamond Rio. That is H and OW's song. I mentioned it when H got off the phone and he said it wasn't his decision and it was a major hit so he couldn't do anything about it. Went on-won't say got over it cause I didn't. H and brother-in-law (lead guitarist) got together here in the living room to practice. I could see H trying to keep BIL from practicing that song. They went through the rest of the songs and then when they got to that one, H started saying OK I'm going to work on these and we'll practice some more tomorrow. I was glad to see that (hopefully) he was understanding that I would not have been able to stomach sitting here and listening to them practice that song. Everytime BIL would start to play the song, H would ask him about the chords in another song. When I thanked him, he said it wasn't really for me that much. Wow, should have kept my mouth shut and just pretended that it was for me.<P>Fast forward-went to sleep. H has been "deathly" ill all night with a chest cold. Woke up about 30 minutes ago and rolled over to see him in the chat rooms with about 3 pm windows open. The speakers are even turned off on the computer so I wouldn't hear the dinging crap they do. H knows I hate him in the chat rooms because he goes in as a single person on the prey. It makes me sick. The chat rooms make me sick because I can't even go in there without some guy (even though my profile said married) propositioning me. I deleted my entire Yahoo account. Well, H has now given me all kinds of excuses on why he goes on there and why there is nothing wrong with it. I'm so mad I could take this whole computer and chunk it out the front door. H says I'm being controlling because I don't like him in the chat rooms and the only way he can solve it is to no longer go in the chat rooms. I'm so sick of chat rooms-I wish they didn't exist. Nothing I can do about that though. Now, I'm getting what are "my rules"? He makes me want to scream. He has no interaction with people since he's home all week. When he does go play, he has plenty of people around him, but he's the one in charge and has to make sure everything is going smoothly. He can't be "friends" with the band members and hang out with them because he is their boss and may have to fire them one day. He has all kinds of excuses and some of them actually make sense, but like I asked him "Does all this give you the excuse to go into a chat room and act as if you are single and looking for a women?" I don't think so. H doesn't see anything wrong with it. His opening line when he goes into the chat room is either "Where are all the women?" or "24 male pic on profile". What does that imply to you? His profile says "no answer" in the marital status box (like that matters on Yahoo). I think they should change the name of Yahoo to SEX-just make it plain and simple.<P>Basically, H doesn't see a single thing wrong with it as long as he never does anything with these people and I can't stand it. I can't stand to even hear Yahoo on a commercial. Does anyone have any suggestions on a compromise???? H says the only way to solve it is for him to give. I don't know. I don't know how we could compromise on it either. He's either in the chat rooms or he's not.

Yahoo is not your problem, your H is. If Yahoo didn't exist, if your H didn't exist, he would be taking out personal ads in the newspaper or pen pal magazines. I have a Yahoo account, and I use it for mail and Caribbean island messageboards. That's it. I don't participate in ANY chat rooms. I have about as active an online life as it's possible to have. I have friends I've never met in person but with whom I'm as close as "real world" friends. I maintain two Web sites. I'm a Web developer by trade. And I don't participate in live chatrooms.<P>Has your H said WHY it's so important to him to go trolling looking for women? He may SAY he has no intentions, and in his male cluelessness, may actually believe it. But obviously he has a pretty strong need for adulation from near-strangers (he plays in a band, right? Which means he likes to "perform"), and THIS is the problem. Because that kind of need for adulation is a giant black hole into which he can pour performances, chatrooms, women, and it'll never be filled. <P>The answer is for him to understand WHY he has this need, but it doesn't sound like he's likely to explore that. Obviously he doesn't understand that having one OW under his belt already would make you feel insecure about him looking for women. <P>Have you ever asked him why he wants to be married, since he needs adulation from other women so much? IHe seems to have no awareness of how inappropriate it is for him to go online masquerading as a single guy, nor does he care how you feel, and that's the REAL problem.<P>Unfortunately, I have no answers for you, because the bottom line is that he's right -- the only way is for him to STOP, and you can't make him do that. However, you CAN set consequences for his actions -- if you're prepared to do it.<P>What if he had to choose?

hi dumplin<P>just thought id drop a line, and tell you that i was like<BR>your hubby .i really thought there was nothing wrong<BR>with chatting with other girls on the net, only problem<BR>is chatting can lead to much more.<BR>in my case, i met a young girl. my wife found out,<BR>and the pain it has caused all parties is unbelievable.<BR>my problem was not only chatting, but pornography on the net. i undestand why your husband finds chatting fun, it is highly addictive, and i believe that it always leads to more, because there are lots of lonely people out there and the net is their only escape.<BR>as im only new to marriage builders i thught id respond to your letter<P>before i go, id like o say that what your husband is doing is wrong, nd you have every right to be pissed with him.<BR>problem is he may be too into it to realise. if he wants to talk to me get him to drop a line, and i can go through with how messy his so called fun times can lead.<BR>again, im not a do gooder, just a guy that has almost lost everything i love, due to my thoughtless behaviour.<BR>finally, id like to say that im very fortunate to have a wonderfulwife and child, (shes still with me) its going to take a long time fr us to rebuild what we had,but its all worth it.<P>dont give up, its worth all the hard work.<P> <P>

His thing is that he has no social interaction - he asked me if he was in a chat room with all guys would I find a problem with that. Well, of course not, it wouldn't bother me at all. I believe if it was social interaction, he would be fine putting married on his profile and talking with guys. He is not interested in talking with guys on the net. He did register with a deer hunting message board, but he can't actually "talk" with people on it. I've told him over and over-it's not that he's talking with people (He seems to think I don't want him talking to anyone.) it's the conversation material. <P>I asked him if he would change his profile to married (as a compromise-maybe that would make me feel a little better) and he said he would think about it. What the hell is so hard to think about?????<P>Thank you both for your replies. I'm so glad that I don't feel like the b**ch now for thinking that it's wrong. I've even asked him what would you do if one of these women showed up at one of your shows expecting something from you? His biggest excuse to me is that he's only playing and he's never gotten with any of these people he's met online. Okay, so what would he do if they showed up? NO answer to that one. No, he doesn't care how I feel about it, he thinks I'm trying to control who he talks to and what he does. I get to feeling like I'm the bad guy in the situation.<P>Anyone else have any ideas on a compromise maybe??<BR>

Up, please I need help on this one.

dumplin,<BR>There are so many books (people) to cover here - one cannot possibly cover all of them - I could spend 12 hours a day here and still not cover everyone. This is the first time I've read your thread, you sound very frustrated - as you should.<P>I've scaled back my hours drastically - because other stuff around here is not getting done. So of course, I am not familiar with all the aspects of your A story. But I am sure it fits the mo of most of the rest of us.<P>I know you are dealing with alot of pain, and you are trying every second of the day and night to figure a way out. Do you have the books? Surviving an Affair and His Needs, Her Needs? By my reading this one thread of yours, your marriage needs a healthy dose of POJA. Your H will need to come around to wanting to change. It is easy (somewhat) to see - when you are on the outside - he is not letting you meet his needs - he is opposed to you doing this - because he is looking on the net.<P>Many of us here have Computer histories - I can tell you I hate AOL Instant Messenger, and AOL as much as you hate Yahoo. It is easy to transfer that hate to an instrument other than your spouse. But it is the spouse that is the culprit - guilty of the action. The BS can hate cell phones, certain times of the day, etc. --- anything that is a trigger. And, yes, the computer/net is very addictive - even look at what we do here for support.<P>How much of a Plan A are you doing? At least your H is still at home so that you can work on a Plan A. Does he know about the principles? The sound of your post is no POJA, no Rule of Care, Rule of Protection, and definately no Rule of Time - you work day - he works nights. <P>He sounds like the fog is still there - vague answers - and far from POJA - won't put "married" in the block. You have some serious issues! Believe me - I felt the same about the computer - wanted to pick it up and throw it OUT of the house. Boy did I have fun deleting the buddy stuff, and instant messenger off our computer - I'm with you - I hate a certain state (our OW was a family friend). <P>I am not sure this is a help to you - I hope things turn around for you. aftershock<P>

Aftershock,<P>Thanks! I also hate Yahoo Messenger, but that's gone--thank goodness. I got to where I would call that dinging when you get an Instant Message to that f**king fairy again. He's definitely in the fog; went to the store to get him some medicine and came back with him on the "band" phone. I'm sitting here wondering who he's talking to. He's not for sure right now if he wants to work on our marriage. Doesn't know the MB principles and not for sure if he even cares. I don't think he does right now. I'm not sure what's going to end up happening. He doesn't know what POJA is and doesn't want to hear about it. I'm doing Plan A and have been for about three months now. Just hoping he comes around. We've made some progress, but it seems like for every step forward there's at least one or two back.

dumplin,<P>You been reading my mind? My husband did this same thing, by not saying he was married in his profiles. I have been persistent in trying to not lovebust about his YAHOO Messenger use. Yet, how am I ever going to trust him to be completely faithful to me when he keeps doing something that he KNOWS upsets me so much? Who is so important in his life that he has to keep using it? It's my opinion that if they need to talk to him, they can call or e-mail him here at home, if it's of a personal nature or at his work e-mail address it it's work related. <P>My husband now uses his laptop from work to chat here at home because I cannot access it. I came home a bit early night before last after teaching a class and I could see the light was on in our basement, which is where our PC is. I went to open the door, which USUALLY unlocked until we go to bed. It was locked . <P>I quietly walked around the house to peer through a window that is behind the computer and could see him tapping away on his lap top and could see an active private discussion going on in a YAHOO messenger window. My heart sunk. <P>I do not know what to do from here so if any of you marriagebuilders can give me and dumplin some advice on how to handle this, post away. I've done my best not to love bust. I've done my best to come to a POJA on this issue and feel like I am getting nowhere because he doesn't see it as a problem. I've asked him to share his passwords with me. I've asked him to close these accounts with YAHOO and hotmail. He's in a fog about it..I don't know how else to describe it. He thinks I'm nuts to be this upset about it or to even read about other people having to deal with the same problems. He seems to think my reading posts like dumplin's are triggering these feelings of distrust in him. I can't seem to get him to understand that it's the ongoing deceit or perceived deceit that is causing me not to trust him. This behavior does not build trust. I do not want to keep living like this, distrusting him when we are apart or when I am asleep. I'm gone 3 hours to work and he needs to go online and chat with whomever. Does this mean I am going to have to just stop working altogether and staying up until all hours of the night to make sure he's not chatting online at home on his laptop? <P>I've kept putting off plan B all summer and don't want to do it. Do you all think there is any other recourse that can be taken?<P>Thanks,<P>Bluebird<P>

Bluebird,<P>Are you sure you're not married to my H, LOL! I stayed home from work today and left long enough to go to Revenue office and pick older son up from school. H has been on yahoo since I was gone. When I started laughing out loud, he asked me what I was laughing at. I said it sounds like she is married to you. I then read him part of your post.<P><B>I do not know what to do from here so if any of you marriagebuilders can give me and dumplin some advice on how to handle this, post away. I've done my best not to love bust. I've done my best to come to a POJA on this issue and feel like I am getting nowhere because he doesn't see it as a problem. I've asked him to share his passwords with me. I've asked him to close these accounts with YAHOO and hotmail. He's in a fog about it..I don't know how else to describe it. He thinks I'm nuts to be this upset about it or to even read about other people having to deal with the same problems. I can't seem to get him to understand that it's the ongoing deceit or perceived deceit that is causing me not to trust him. This behavior does not build trust. I do not want to keep living like this, distrusting him when we are apart or when I am asleep. I'm gone 3 hours to work and he needs to go online and chat with whomever. Does this mean I am going to have to just stop working altogether and staying up until all hours of the night to make sure he's not chatting online at home on his laptop? </B><P>H didn't have much to say when I read this to him. You struck a special nerve. H is in yahoo and hotmail also. What is the deal with this crap?? I've went into chat and I hated it. Couldn't even go into a women's room without men coming in and asking sexual questions. Drove me crazy after a while. I would talk to the decent ones (usually to find out later they weren't so decent after all).<P>H did tell me he joined a deer hunting message board and that he likes it. I'm overjoyed about the message board. I have no problem with hunting (sorry if there are animal activist in here--we only kill what we eat). IMO, he could sit in there all day and discuss hunting and I would be just fine with it.<P>I agree that we need some advice on this. I was going to try and get H to read amant100's post, but I figure he would take that as pushing. I don't know either Bluebird, but you can e-mail me if you would like to.<BR>

Sorry I just realized I didn't give you my e-mail address. I tried to make a signature, but I don't guess it worked. Oh well, here goes ajowens@dfa.state.ar.us

Hi dumplin. I didn't find my WH's profile until after he left in the married box it said married but looking? How's that for a real slap in the face? His profile was last updated in Oct.00 Now I know why he was so secretive every time he was on the computer. If me or one of the kids would walk by he would put his hand on the screen or close the window. I can't believe I was that naive. I never quite figured out how to retrieve his deleted messages. I went into the history and I'm sure he deleted everything. I did read one offline message and I know it was from her but he denied it was her. Big shock there. Yes I agree that you have every reason to be angry. What we do is different. This is a decent, moral site for people struggling in their marriage and looking for advice and support from others in the same situation. There is no porno here or guys/girls hitting on each other. Good luck to you. <BR>cybil

dumplin, bluebird, cybil,<P>If they were not on the net - they would probably be out at night "tomcatting around" (hate to say it). I really feel bad for all of you!!!!! It almost makes me crazy - so I know how you feel.<P>I remember the tap, tap, tap of the computer keys late - late at night. I was groggy in sleep, but subconsciously I heard the tapping, then felt his presence rolling into bed - late - late. And to think I wouldn't bother him years earlier because I thought he was so tired and needed his sleep. Then this crops up - the instant messenger. My story was cronicled way back when I felt the need to spill it out - ours was a family friend who came to visit with her daughter - and I saw things, etc. Told him what I thought, he denied, couple of nights later I caught him - walked right into our "computer room" and peered around the file cabinet INTO the screen - I absolutely could not believe what I was seeing - my love words I use to say to him 13 years earlier TO HER. Caught red handed. Needless to say we went through hell summer 2000 - finally found MB in April/May 2001. Before that I was going through so much depression. Not that much depression now - but every now and then there are triggers, sometimes throws me into loops for days.<P>You need to read Surviving an Affair - the marriage doctors - Harley/Dobson say that if there is secrecy - and they try and hide stuff - there is something going on. I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW THEY ALL THINK THEY CAN CONTINUE ON THEIR CHARADE AND THEY THINK YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON - THEY JUST TRY TO HIDE IT.<P>One of the best things to do is to read (even though it is so hard with the pain going on) - get your hands on After the Affair, SAA, etc. and leave the books where they can see it. There has to be a time that Radical Honesty comes into play - they are in the fog, and they have to come out of it. In the meantime, you will experience depression, withdrawal, anger, fog, fence sitting, etc. all from them. You will either decide to hang in there until they come to their senses, or ...<P>Time takes care of it, honesty, POJA, you need to get the book His Needs, Her Needs and introduce them to the concepts. You have to start discussing this with them. I just can't believe they are so immature - this is horrible - I wonder if the statistics are greater for affairs now, with the computer?<P>I am running out of encouraging words - I know it is hard - I will sympathize with you on that - I know the panic, anger, hurt, disbelief you are going through. I still have disbelief and unsureness. You've got to work through it with the principles best you can, and talk honesty. Pray they will come around.<P>Here's a hug for each of you, aftershock

Thanks for all the input everyone. I've had a crappy night. BIL came over to practice again and they went through part of H and OW's song. My poor BIL thinks this is the most wonderful song in the world and I could just strangle someone when I hear it. I about puked hearing him sing the praises of this song. We then got to watch the video for the song because the group put out an enhanced CD that has the freaking video to that song (only that song, of course-my luck) on it. Now H is asking me why I am upset. I'm trying my best to reign it in, but I feel like I'm going into "b**ch mode". The best way to console myself is their song was "One More Day" and our song is "Now and Forever"-at least it was the song at our wedding. Not sure if H still considers it our song.<P>I've also found an amusing way to change the words to songs depending upon my mood. It seems like if it's not one thing, it's another. I'm going to try and get some sleep now. Have to be up in 4 hours to go to work.<P>------------------<BR>Dumplin <P>E-mail ajowens@dfa.state.ar.us

Just wanted you to know that I have a song that I despise also. It was "their" song also. <P> Uncle Krackers; Follow Me.<P> To think I loved that Freaking song when it first came out. Well so did my WS. Just for different reasons. Because she was living the damn thing. $#@$*^)<P> jd

hi,<P>just thought id let you in to my 'fantasy' period,<BR>like your husbands i was on AOL and very addicted,<BR>at one stage i had about 15 women that i got to know, <BR>next thing some would call my mobile phone, it was like i was on a roller coaster ride ready to crash and burn.<BR>eventually i did crash, my wife found out that i actually met one of these girls. from that point onwards my fantasy world ended, i deleted everyone off my buddy list and i went cold turkey. it was very difficult though as i had built this lifestyle pattern for 6 months. now i spend my nights reading and doing far more worthwile activities<BR>that are both worthwile for me and my family.<BR>i dont know whether it needs to get to the state that i got before one wakes up to their bad behaviour.<BR>but i had to make a choice, live in fantasy (which ultimately is self destructive for everyone involved), or <BR>work on getting my marriage back.<BR>i truly believe that men that go on the prowl have an addiction not unlike alcoholism or gambling, and once this gets taken away, it takes a long time to snap out of it.<BR>this does not take away from the fundamental truth that being on the prowl whilst being married is wrong.<P>i believe that the only way a man can get through this is by being denied acces to the net and the extended 'family'<BR>that he has built up, until he ha stopped all comunication with these people.<BR>i know it wont be easy, but there needs to be an absolute cut off.<P>well thats only my opinion, but it has worked for me<P><BR>thanks<P><BR>

Amant100,<P>I know H's response to your post. You took it too far. He's never done anything with anyone off the net. He just slept with two other people he met in person-somehow that makes the internet okay in his mind. He said he's going to come here and post (doubt he will though). <P>I woke up this morning with that DAMN song in my head. What a way to start a day especially after having 4 hours of sleep. Was sleeping separate from H also. Don't know when I got up and moved, but I evidently did. Am I crazy for just hating that song? I refuse to listen to it and the beginning notes turn my stomach. I've got headphones blasting in my ears right now to keep the dang thing out of my head.<P>------------------<BR>Dumplin <P>E-mail ajowens@dfa.state.ar.us

I posted my problem over in the EN forum and got a fantastic response to my questions from Lucks and others!!! I think she hit the nail on the head about a number of points. What I took away from it was yes, I need to be rational and not let my emotions completely take over. I need to negotiate with him for what I want so that we can meet each others ENs. Here's the link>>>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum8/HTML/005930.html<P>Bluebird<BR>

A few comments here. I too (although a ws, and met ow on-line) have no idea why chat rooms are so popular (addictive). They serve no purpose than the one dumplin identified (admiration, and I would add, of the sexual kind). Chat rooms devoted to sexual (in all it's various forms from innuendo to let's do it together now) behaviour are the cyber equivalent of one-night stands. You women (and sometimes husbands with addicted wives, you don't really think all the women in chat rooms are single....right?), feel (and correct me if wrong) as if each chat session is an affair...true? So if you would not tolerate your H having a "friend" over to play with in the bsmt, or spare room, or even your bedroom (while you sleep)...why do you tolerate this? I agree, each session is an affair not an ea or a pa.... a ca (cyber affair, a strange animal that has both ea and pa components, but is done without being in physical presence of the op). <P>There is absolutely no reason to tolerate this at all, so why do you? My response would be swift and sure, about the same as if I came home and found my spouse in bed with op. First I would take a sledgehammer to the computer (or if the financial loss is too much to bare, just take a panel off and remove a few cables or chips), but the non-verbal communication expressed when you hammer that comp in front of your H eyes is very important to getting his attention. Then when my spouse tried the anger response I'd tell em they stop right now, and start dealing with it, or you are filing for divorce tomorrow. If that doesn't get their attention, they are lost anyways, and sooner you get on with your life the better. Call this emergency surgury, it either works or the patient dies, I have no idea why you put up with this blatant abuse right in your face, no wonder they disrespect you, you are begging for disrespect by your compliant behaviour (and your occasional bit**fests do nothing, cause they know it is all talk). This has nothing to do with LB'ing, or MB stuff (needs) this is abuse, and it needs to stop.<P>Interestingly my w has made similar complaints (not as serious as yours) about my posting on MB. Says I spend too much time talking to strange women (with names like dumplin, cybil, bluebird ). I met ow on a message/discussion board...so as someone pointed out triggers do not necessarily make sense, they are just emotional pointers. It is not yahoo, messaging, aol, cell phones etc. that are the problem. It is the intent/behaviour of the individuals. I do not come on-line to meet women, I come on-line to talk, persuade, learn, get reality checks about me and my life, etc.... mostly fall under conversation needs (and just a smidgen of admiration, if I get positive feedback, but that is truly incidental to conversation). <P>I also invited my wife immediately to MB (when I discovered it, shortly after our life blew up with D of A). She looks over my shoulder a lot, and of course everything I post is here for her to see. Lastly I pretty much avoid reading (and even less posting too) the sexual threads. It is obvious to me some posters use those threads for their own sexual needs (which is not kosher, but understandable due to the frustration level of many in their marriages, but still is not ok). So I'd say my wifes concerns are ungrounded (for me), but for some could be possible, so the point is it is not just chat rooms. The issue is first and foremost secrecy, the second issue is the content of the conversations (how in the world does anyone justify deliberately expending emotional/sexual resources on op just for casual satisfaction?).<P>Just some thoughts ladies, good luck.<P>[This message has been edited by sad_n_lonely (edited September 07, 2001).]<P>[This message has been edited by sad_n_lonely (edited September 07, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by sad_n_lonely (edited September 07, 2001).]

SNL,<P>I think I'm going to print out your reply and leave it laying by the computer for H to read, LOL!! He's actually got to where he will listen to some of the posts when I read them to him. He has said he is going to start coming here and posting, but I'm not sure if he will. He has started posting on a deer hunting message board--good, great, marvelous!!!! For some reason, he considers me controlling him by telling him I hate the chat rooms and don't want him in them. I've told him (as I've posted here) it's not who he's talking to it's the conversation material. I really don't believe that he could go into a chat room though without the sexual inuendos (sp?). We've went to chat rooms together and I usually end up getting pissed because everything will be fine and then he'll make some off-color comment and happiness is over. I'm not going to put up with it any longer. We used to have a blocking software on the computer, but that was treating him like a child. I'm going to tell him that since he doesn't want me treating him like a child he's going to have to be big enough himself to stay out of them. I want to put the blocking software back on it myself.<P>H has also asked me how many men I talk to in here and if I've found me a boyfriend in here. It drives me up the wall, here I am trying to figure out what to do about my marriage and he's asking stupid questions like that just to be an [censored]. He also said he doesn't like to dwell on his problems. I think he runs from problems myself, but that's another issue.<P>Does anyone know of any deer hunting chat rooms? H looked, but couldn't find one. The posting and waiting for a response on a message board drives him up the wall. Or any kind of hunting, fishing, etc. chat rooms??<P><P>------------------<BR>Dumplin <P>E-mail ajowens@dfa.state.ar.us

Hi all. This is something I feel sooooo strongly about, I just had to share my experience. <P>For a little background - my husband and I are both nice looking, professional people. Our 12-year marriage was the best I knew of. Sex was wonderful and very frequent and I was the most unjealous wife I knew existed. We bought a computer and a lot of things changed in our lives. We agreed before getting the computer that neither of us would chat with someone of the opposite sex - that it was the same thing as calling another woman just to talk. It was only a month or so afterwards that I first new of his secret chatting (closing screens when I walked in the room, erasing history, getting on the computer the SECOND that I left the house, staying online rather than going to bed with me, that annoying chatting noise). I had access once to one of these conversations and everything changed. He was having what I now know to be an EA with very sexual undertones. I was devastated and literally went to bed for a few days (claimed I was sick - he was overjoyed b/c he then had more online time). I eventually confronted him. He, of course, claimed that this was just "entertainment" for him, that I was overreacting, etc., but agreed to stop if it bothered me. He didn't stop - he just became more creative in his hiding. <P>Obviously not all men who have online interactions with women have any intention of straying from their marriage or really even think they are harming it. I truly believe that there are many husbands who consider this harmless activity. I think my H was one of those people in the beginning. <P>The hiding continued until one day, totally by absolute fluke, I had access to a part of a conversation in which I learned that he had met and had sex with someone that lived in our community as a result of talking to her online. There was no love relationship - in fact, in his "private" conversation with her, he made it known that this was "just sex". I would have been soo pissed if I were her because of the way he was talking to her. Nonetheless, I was devastated and have and never will be the same. Trust, honesty and innocence are gone from our relationship for what seems like forever at this point. He is very sorry and is trying hard to make things right at this point, but I have no idea how it's going to turn out. What a stupid, stupid tragedy. <P>In hindsight, I now know that I should've seen this as DANGEROUS behavior from the very beginning and stopped it - period. When this woman sent him a pornographic picture and an invitation, he crossed a line I would never have thought he would've crossed...BUT...had things never gotten that far, I feel sure that we may have never had this life-changing ordeal to deal with. Even if it's not your H's intention to actually meet one of these women, there's a whole man/sex/willpower issue ....so for most men it's best to just "not go there".<P>On the beforehand side of this...I thought that "cheaters are cheaters" and I would NEVER be in a relationship that I felt I had to monitor. On this side of things, I would tell u that noone is immune to temptation if it presents itself just right.....and that even if u have a good relationship (especially if you have a good relationship), it's stupid to flirt with danger. <P>I know this is not the end result of everyone who participates in online "chatting", but there's no denying that the computer has drastically changed what infidelity means. My wonderful marriage is in shambles because of a chain of events that began with online chats. Even after months of separation and then a painful recovery period (which we are still in), he couldn't seem to give up the chatting (Yahoo chatrooms). I had enough experience with chatting early in this whole ordeal to understand why it is so addicting. At this point, chatting for either of us is considered completely taboo. I would Plan B in a second if I knew he were doing it again because I know how serious the consequences are. <P>Sadnlonely - I loved your point about if you wouldn't allow your spouse to have a "friend" over to play, you shouldn't allow this. <P>And amant100 - thanks for posting and welcome to MB. It's good to hear things from your perspective. <p>[This message has been edited by almostbroken (edited September 07, 2001).]