Did bad - I am the BS and my H is the WS. I have a lot of respect for you in stating that you are remorseful and feel guilty for your actions of the affair. That is a start. I would tell H that yes, I do love you (if you do) or care for you very much. I want to make this marriage work, cause we both are parents of our children, and their is an underlying connection between the two of us. I would put down on a list of the things I like about husband. Fill out the Emotional needs for both husband and wife and go over them together. Talk about how you 2 can work on completing each others EN list (first 5) and how not to LB those EN. Also, get counseling with Marriage Builders or whatever!<P>Was your affair just an EN or also a PA? I am the wife of Sad_n_lonely (he posts quite a bit on MB). I found out about his affair in February. At that time he told me it was only an EA, then about 3 weeks ago I was told it was a PA as well. So I have slid back to February on the hurt and deceit and feeling lousy about myself. Your husband is going to have some real bad days. I just had a couple of bad days, just recently. They are feelings of worthlessness, hate towards the OW, why could H do that to me, I feel ugly, I feel not wanted, I feel not cared for and basically like a pile of s**t. I am doing a pretty good job on Plan A. But H has not quite got the EN of me (his wife) down pat. He does, and then he doesn't. It is like I find him to be a Mr. Jeckle and Mr. Hyde. He blew up recently after counseling with the Harleys. He told me and told Harley last night at the previous counseling that she set off some very powerful triggers. My H has a hard time accepting rules and doing what others say to do. One part of the Plan A, is that the BS can take so much and they start getting worn down. My H is a caring man, and does use good bedside manner once in a while. He just doesn't get the pain the BS feels. He tells me why should the BS feel any pain? He states that he wouldn't feel pain, but would be sad. <P>I wish my husband would say that he is remorseful and guilty of the affair. He does say that he is sorry he hurt me. But the affair happened for a reason. Yes, my H still loves the other woman. He told Jennifer Harley last night, why should we have to work at our marriage? Why do we have to work at having love back? His heart is with the OW, but he is here. I have a hard time dealing with that. H said he made a commitment to marry the OW. I don't understand how a person can marry someone who this is her 2nd affair (both EA & PA). Yes, she had sex with my H (everythings but intercourse) as well as someone else, besides her H. Also, she wants to keep this affair a secret from her H. How does one love a person who is so deceitful to this day, and basically manipulated me with threats of suicide when she called me on the phone to talk about her being sorry for having an affair with my H. <P>Put your actions high on the list. Do things that are for his EN list. Tell him how much you love him, talk to the kids and show them that you are sorry for what you caused them to feel. One thing that might work for them, depending on age is to have them write on little bits of paper, the hurt they feel. Put them in a container. Pull one out 1 or 2 a day. Talk about the hurt, with all the kids. And then light a match to the paper and say lets move on. Say I am so sorry, this will never happen again, Daddy and I are working on our marriage (with counseling) and we love you kids with all our hearts. <p>[This message has been edited by thinker (edited September 06, 2001).]
