WH just left stopped by for the ususal 15 minute nightly visit. We discussed money briefly he ask if there were any major bills due this week. Hello...he doesn't seem to understand that even though he doesn't live here our bills have not decreased. I have a family picnic to go to on Saturday and he says that he is going with us. Sunday is our anniversary. Ask him if we were going to do anything he said I doubt it. I said okay. He said what do you want to do I said I don't know. Then he said what did I tell you would happen if you opened my cell bill? I said I don't know what? He said I'd be a p****. I said I'm getting use to that. I also said I wouldn't have to snoop if you weren't dishonest with me. He said deal with it. How many calls were there to her (OP) I said 9 to her cell. He said there were none to her house I said that's because her H apparently knows she's still talking to you on the phoneand it's to risky. He gave me a dumb look and I said do you really think I'm that stupid. I know that you call her on her extension at work on the weekends and she checks her voice mail and calls you back. He didn't say anything. We didn't argue I just said that matter of factly. I'm so sick of living like this I really don't care anymore. I went to the doctor today and he's sending me for a scope test because he thinks I have an ulcer. Gee wonder why. I don't have time to deal with this s*** anymore. My father has his surgery on Monday so that has to take precedence right now. I also told H that I would not be the consulation prize. You know I'm starting to look at him and think why do I want this man back? Will I ever be able to trust him again? He has not put one effort forth to show me that he wants to save this marriage. I truly think I'm starting to realize it's time for me to move on. I'm getting stronger everyday and it's not for him it's for me and the kids. He will one day wake up and realize what he has lost a loving wife, his kids, his everything. The kids love him and all but they are not the same with him. They see that he is not here for them and that hurts. As I said our anniversary is Sunday I bought him something not because I expected anything in return because I wanted to. Now Im wondering if I should even give it to him. Am I setting myself up to get hurt again? It's almost like the man I married died and I'm stuck with this clone of him minus the feelings and emotions.I cried a little actually less than a minute. Does that mean that I am moving on because before I cried for hours. Just needed to vent.<BR>cybil

Cybil,<P>Hope is not a bad thing. It just hurts when our hope is crushed. But we do not have to become hopeless. Where we direct our hope is important. <P>Are you setting yourself up to be hurt again? Could be. Now if you know that can happen, what are you willing to do to reduce or prevent that? Hm....... Well, your subconscious appears to be crying less, venting more. Hm..... seems like you are already learning to protect feelings. <P>Step back, breathe a bit. You know what may be ahead. More of the roller coaster. You also know what it feels like to go up and down, use this knowledge to prepare yourself, when you are sent upwards, don't allow yourself to throw your heart completely into everything your H is doing. Be cautious. Then when he comes down, it is less farther to fall. You will recoup better. <P>Then acknowledge your strengths. If it helps, look back at your earlier posts, see how far you have come. Be proud of your accomplishments. Realize what you once though impossible you are able to handle and move on. <P>Don't be discouraged, the glass is not 1/2 empty, it is 1/2 full. <P>L. <p>[This message has been edited by Orchid (edited September 06, 2001).]

This stuff is hard! Hope this helps:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by CaringAndLovingIndividual:<BR><B><I>Every relationship in your life can be healed, every relationship can be wonderful, but it's always going to begin with you. You need to have the courage to use the truth, to talk with yourself with the truth, to be completely honest with yourself. Perhaps you don't have to be honest with the whole world, but you can be honest with yourself. Perhaps you cannot control what is going to happen around you but you can control your own reactions. Those reactions are going to guide the dream of your life, your personal dream. It's your reactions that make you happy or unhappy.<P>Your reactions are the key to having a wonderful life. If you can learn to control your own reactions, then you can change your routines, and change your life. </I><P>from "The Mastery of Love" by don Miguel Ruiz<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

Orchid, Cali thanks for your encourging words. I know that I will be okay. I feel like this is the middle of the storm. I've made it past the beginning and the end is no where in sight so guess I'm stuck here in the middle for awhile longer. <BR>C

Remember when Jesus was sleeping in the boat with the disciples and they hit a terrible storm? The disciples thought He didn't care that they were all about to die! He cared.<P>God sees you, He knows what's going on. He knows right where you are and exactly how to get you out of it. In fact, He's orchestrating His plan for you right now. So keep the faith. You'll make it to the other side. He's not sleeping, He's showing us what to do and how to trust more. We can have rest in the hurricanes of life.