My wife(WS), told me this morning that she doesn't find me physically attractive any more, and possibly never did. She says that she has had problems dealing with the fact that we are similar in size, and finds a bigger man more attractive. Just for the record, I am 5'-10", and my wife is 5'-7". She says however that the fact that I have maintained my weight over the years and she has allowed herself to gain 40 lbs, makes us incompatible physically. She has also told me that one of the reasons she was attracted to the OM was that he is taller than me (about 2") and overweight. She went on to explain to me that the reason she has now asked that I not have any physical contact with her is that whenever I touch her, her mind automatically goes to him and she fantisizes that it is him touching her and she says that this is not fair to me. We went on a vacation for 10 days the end of July that had been planned for a long time. It was during the affair, but at this point I still had no knowledge of it. During the vacation my wife was very passionate, and it felt like a second honeymoon. She now says that was because of her fantisies. We needed a ride to and from the airport (2-1/2 hr drive), and who do you think took us and picked us up. That's right the OM!! I now know that when he took us, she gave him a card with a note in it that she says moved him. When he picked us up, I can now see in hindsight how she flirted with him on the ride home. She says that the affair started as a friendship, grew into an EA, and progressed into a PA that she says has not progressed beyond "passionant kissing". She has also told me that this all occured in our home. There is more, but I am not able to go on now. My self-esteem is below zero. I am trying so hard, but I don't know if I can continue. This morning after she revealed all this, I did not respond. I thanked her for being honest, and went to my room to collapse. She went to work.

I might not have the most knowledge here but I can understand your pain.<P>What I will offer is that in most cases of WSs they rewrite history in their mind to justify what they're doing. My wife has said that she has been unhappy the entire 12 years we were togther, but I remember just last year going on vacation and both of us having a great time. But she needs to tell herself that it's been bad so she doesn't feel so guilty for leaving.<P>Same thing with your wife I think. The fact that she wants someone who is less than perfectly healthy says to me that she's really reaching. She probably feels bad about herself and her weight gain and thinks because you haven't that you don't understand or don't love her anymore. This other guy in her mind will not dislike her for her weight.<P>It's a fantasy world. You should be proud for being able to not gain weight.<P>I know probably not the best, but you have to understand that she is rewriting history to protect herself from the guilt of an affair. It really isn't about you, it's about her. Keep that in mind.<P>SBT

BrokenH,<BR>I'm so very sorry that your W is saying these horrible things to you. I know that all of us BS's suffer such terrible loss of self-esteem. If it helps at all, the remarks she has made are not all that uncommon. This is part of the "rewriting of history" that is talked about so much. It's her guilt talking. Are you seeing a counselor? If not, I would suggest you get yourself to one PRONTO. Remember, please if you can, that God finds each of us perfect in his sight. He sent his only son to die for us. Think of how special we'd have to be for him to sacrifice his son. I know you're hurting, but try to remember, this is about your W and her problems, be they guilt, remorse, anger, FOGGG, whatever. This is NOT about you and how you look. When I was in the depths of despair about my own self-esteem a friend gave me a recording of a song. One of the verses gave me great comfort, I hope you will find comfort in it as well...<P>When you're looking in the mirror, I hope you're liking what you see;<BR>'Cause no matter what you're thinking, your PERFECT to me....<BR>'Cause I see you as a child, blameless in my sight;<BR>Just spend some time with my and I'll make everything alright....<P>Please seek counseling, talk to your pastor, friends, anyone who can give you the hugs you so richly deserve.<P>My prayers are with you,<BR>MOM

brokenh,<P>It is what is in that person's mind at the time - let me explain. When she married you, she felt happy. Time has gone by, and now she chose to develop an A - she could have chosen to step into the marriage and make it work. The marriage professionals (Harley/Dobson, etc.) say that a spouse's perception can change. I remember reading it - they love you, they can't stand you, they hate you. In my first marriage, first impression I could not stand that guy, he grew on me (unfortunately), and I thought I loved him, I married him. Oops.<P>This topic takes hours - doesn't it. I wish I knew the answers - unmet needs. You think you need something - you get it. Then you want something else. It is horrible to be in this situation and get hurt so much. For me - I've been reading - I read, read, read.<P>I am with you on this - my self-esteem is at ground zero, I don't want to talk to any strangers, I feel uncomfortable whereever I go. My life is the pits. Whenever I get in this down mood, like this, and start talking leaving - my H bounces back at me that he needs to try harder, da da, da da, da da - like a tap dance.<P>So, in the past year, I've gone from size 8 to almost size 12, right back to being my fat self, no self esteem.<P>I can't figure - I've wanted a cell phone for 5-6 years - he just got me one. He helps around the house, laundry, etc. Gives me pecks, and some hugs, actually if I go kiss him, the kisses are a little longer - but it doesn't feel like he is initiating really - just hanging around.<P>But if I ever kid around about stuff (like writing a personal - like look at this, do I need to do it - he says NO).<P>I am frustrated today, what will it take to get a marriage back on track.<P>I can't believe we all have to go through this pain.<P>Try to hang in there anyway, that's all we can do, live day by day, and pray for the best, aftershock<P>p.s. I've heard the same thing - I'm not attractive to him, he doesn't find me attractive. More than a year ago, in the fog, he doesn't know what he wants, yada, yada, yada - it's a bunch of cra* - just a great big pile of it.

<BR> Brokrn, the WS is the one with low self esteem. She is not with the real world she is walking in a fog. Please give yourself a break. I know the pain is very bad but the fault is with her not you. She needs help and maybe if she is smart she will try to get that help with you and not make wrong chocies while she is in the fog.

I am so sorry for your pain...my WH also said things that were painful for me to hear...<P>I hope you will keep posting here...let us rally round you and help keep your spirits up...I'm not sure I would have done so well...just four short months ago...<P><BR>Cali

BrokenH,<P>I'm so sorry your W said something so very hurtful to you. Sometimes they can really stick in that knife and twist it. My H also said many things to me during the affair that haunt me to this day, after 3+ yrs of recovery. We have, during the past years, discussed these comments. Many he has no memory of ever having said (doesn't deny saying them, just doesn't recall)or says, "I'm so sorry,,I have NO idea why I said something so terrible. Please forgive me." <P>The truth is,,,this is NOT about you. It's about her. Her feelings about herself and her attempts to justify her actions. Trying to make it "your fault" she was forced to take such actions. And we KNOW it is NOT your fault. You know it's not your fault. And, someday, she will acknowledge it too and wonder also how she could have been so cruel and confused.

I agree with the first poster who told you that re-writing marital history is VERY common. The very things that attracted them to you in the first place now grate on their nerves because of their guilt and need to make you seem worse to justify what they are doing because deep down they know its wrong! If your W wasnt attracted to you she wouldnt have married you in the first place remember that. She will eventually come out of her fog and have to face the fact that her OM is not as perfect as she thinks of him now- we all have flaws but she is in fantasy land at the moment. Wait till the mother ship returns. It could take awhile I hate to say. Emotional affairs are the hardest to break off and usually lead to lots of waffling back and forth. My H said lots of cruel and hurtful things to me- he was trying to provoke me to divorce him which I didnt do. He is greatful now - its 6 mo later and he is totally embarassed at my telling him at counseling some of the really hurtful things he said a few months ago. time will clear out their minds. lifeismessy