Have been plan B'ing for 2 mos. I don't really want to save the marriage anymore, but I don't want to alienate her either. What do I tell her when she asks how I'm doing? She says she had some days harder than others, etc. If I tell her the truth that I'm already over it and have moved on I bet she will think I'm being hurtful. But at the same time, I don't want her to think I'm still suffering, which I'm not. She still has not been honest with me and admitted the EA or PA(only sure of A, not sure which type), so I don't feel I can be honest with her either. She wants to at least be friends, but I cannot be friends with someone I cannot trust that will lie to me.

If you're certain that you no longer want to save your marriage, then IMO, there is no need to continue with your plan B.<P>What is one of the most important things you have learned from MB? The one I'm thinking about is that you have learned to be the best YOU you can be. Does that person you have become lie to everyone? I doubt it. Why bother lying to your W? You can be the bigger person here, and answer her questions... IF you want to.<P>I'd say, be polite in your answers, and only answer the questions she asks you. If she asks how you are doing, say "great thank you". No need for anything more. And if she asks something you don't want to answer, then just tell her that, "I don't want to talk about that right now". Just remember, honesty is a GOOD thing. You shouldn't sink to her level.<P>Karen<BR>

<B>I don't really want to save the marriage anymore,</B><BR>Then file for divorce. If you’re not ready, continue Plan B.<P><B>What do I tell her when she asks how I'm doing? </B><BR>Nothing. You’re in Plan B.<P>My advice? Continue in Plan B. DO NOT HAVE CONVERSATIONS WITH HER. If there are questions about the children (don’t remember if you had any) then keep all discussions to a MINIMUM & only about the children.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

Thanks Topie and Chris. I am continuing to Plan B because I can't file. She lives in HI and I live in CA. I cannot file in HI because law states you must live there 3 mos before filing. I don't want to file in CA because you MUST divide assets 50/50 even though we verbally agreed on asset division(not 50/50). So basically, I am plan B'ing because I have no other choice until she decides to file. We have no kids. At this point, she only calls to discuss money issues, and I make sure they are short calls. She also emails and asks how I'm doing(while making it clear the intent of the email was to discuss something else), and she offers that 'some days are harder than others' for her. I don't feel like volunteering any info about my feelings, but I do know that one of her EN's that she says I failed in was communication, and I think she will think more of the same with my one line emails and minimalistic responses on the phone. I just wish this was over with.

<B>So basically, I am plan B'ing because I have no other choice until she decides to file.</B><BR>I understand that.<P><B>I don't feel like volunteering any info about my feelings, but I do know that one of her EN's that she says I failed in was communication,</B><BR>In Plan B you fulfill NONE of her emotional needs.<P><B>I just wish this was over with.</B><BR>I know what you mean.<P>Just hang on.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

Thanks again Chris. I am hanging in.

One more question for you Chris. I know her next question will be a sarcastic 'What is your problem?' in reference to my short replies to her on the phone and in emails. How do I respond without LB'ing? I never wrote her a Plan B letter because she never admitted to having an A. She thinks her secret conversations with her male 'friend' were ok. She even tells me her therapist says it's 'ok' for her to have male friends. That alone tells me she has been dishonest with her therapist, because she has done this in the past which has led to PA's. If she told him the truth, I truly doubt he would say it's ok for her to have relationships with male friends in this manner.

ditto, ditto Chris - even though I don't do a very good job at it my self.<P>I think her denial is no reason NOT to write a Plan B letter - maybe it even adds to the NEED for a Plan B letter. This will also state your request for NO CONTACT from her and WHY.<P>Pleae write one, unless you're unsure of an affair. Send a copy to OM, as described in SAA.<P>My suggestion on how to answer the "What's your problem" question: Don't give short replies, don't give ANY replies. Since you have no children, there seems there's nothing you need to discuss verbally. Do it all in writing, very business like, and ONLY for business that is absolutely necessary to discuss.<P>WAT

<B>I never wrote her a Plan B letter because she never admitted to having an A.</B><BR>How sure are you of an affair, either physical or emotional?<P>Even if you had pictures, she would deny it.<P>I would suggest you send a Plan B letter if you are going to stay in Plan B. This will explain “your problem” being short with her.<P>Then do not be short with her. Just stop. The Plan B letter will explain you will talk to her ONLY WHEN she quits the affair and agrees to not see the om and take all steps necessary for you to insure this happens.<P>You don’t need to reply or even read her emails. Get caller ID & you won’t have to answer the phone.<P><B>hat alone tells me she has been dishonest with her therapist,</B><BR>The problem with affairs and lying is after a time, they defy all logic even when confronted with hard evidence.<P>One book I read describes a man coming home and finding his wife in bed with om. She said they were looking for her contact and stuck to the story through the divorce!<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

Thanks Chris. I am absolutely sure of at least an EA, just not with whom(although I have a really good suspicion). She insists this person is just a friend, but when she had to hang up suddenly when I would get home, I find that hard to believe. Anyway, not initiating any contact seems to be working. And being short with her and businesslike also seems to be working. We'll see.