It's awful to watch the man I love become so tortured. He has become increasingly more verbally abusive (nothing I do is right, was never right...some comments include that I have a mind of a gerbil, do I not have any common sense, am I just plain stupid, worried about our D's safety since I make unsafe or incorrect decisions when it comes to her care, never listen to him and never did (comments date back to things I did or didn't do 18 years ago)...it's awful to live with him talking like this in front of our daughter. I want so much to give her the family that all children deserve but what does his behaviour teach her?<P>

Dear Terrified,<P>Please see my post to Cali. Your H is, like many WS, behaving like a teenager.<P>In order to justify his bad behavior, he has convinced himself that you are the problem.<P>You will never be able to convince him of anything. You will never be able to convince him that he is being incredibly unfair and just plain wrong.<P>The next time he pulls this stunt state in a strong, calm tone: "You are being unfair and abusive. I will no longer accept your abuse." Then walk away. I guarantee you that he will continue to abuse you as long as you are willing to accept that abuse. Don't accept it. THIS IS HIS PROBLEM NOT YOURS.<P>Love,<P>Julie

Dear NW, Thanks for your reply. If I say that I will no longer accept the abuse and walk away, I don't believe that it will stop him from doing it again and again. I said on Friday, in one situation, your behaviour is unacceptable and unjustified. That's all I said but he just kept abusing...I do I demonstrate that I will not accept the abuse?

Dear Terrified,<P>If walking away doesn't work, leave the house. Make it clear to him that you are not running away, you are removing yourself from an abusive situation. <P>If the abuse continues, ask him to immediately move out. There is no reason to continue to be a victim. He isn't listening. He doesn't see.<P>You will be a victim as long as you permit him to control the situation. If you take control of your own life, refuse to accept the role of victim, you will stop being a victim.<P>Love,<P>Julie

Dear Terrified,<P>I have one other thought that may be helpful. I made a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. I wrote myself a letter that reminded me THAT I WAS NOT THE PERSON HE SAID I WAS. I referred to that letter whenever I felt myself beginning to react to his abuse. I then wrote him a letter which described both my strengths and weaknesses. I told him in the letter that I would no longer permit him to control me by abusing me. I told him that he was free to behave in an inappropriate and unfair way, but I would no longer play that game.<P>I stopped playing the game, and he stopped abusing me.<P>Julie

Dear NW, Thanks so much for your replies. Did you find that his abuse stopped once he left or did it stop before he left your home for the three weeks? Since he verbally abuses me in front of our daughter AT EVERY OPPORTUNITY, I hold myself back from reacting to it at all. I just can't do that to her.

Well, I took NW's advice and wrote a letter listing my strengths and weaknesses and asking him to please stop his verbal abuse. I came home from work only to find him angrier..."I said I don't want any emails from you". Although he had read the entire letter, he just didn't want to read the content. However, he hasn't stopped his verbal abuse. So today, when he was looking for a soup spoon and coudn't find one, he says "How come there aren't ever any spoons in this house? Why don't you just go buy them." Well, the spoons were either in the dishwasher or in the sink so I told him to simply look for them or wash them. He huffed, puffed and stormed out of the room. He's just so out of control even for the simple things. In light of the tragedy that has just hit the world, who cares if he can't find a G**D*** spoon!!! Sorry, I've lost it. <P>Today is one of those days that I just don't care enough to even try, you know what I mean??<P>Prayers for all of you!!

Dear T,<P>He is angry and taking out his anger on you. My H did that also Nov - Feb. In Feb, I put a stop to that. I told H that I did not appreciate his anger towards me when he was actually angry at himself. <P>Then I made a concession. I agreed to take the full brunt of his 'anger' if it was based on a legitimate thing I did nor did not do. After he explained my shortcoming in a calm and civil manner. <P>Ya know what? H agreed. His fits of anger greatly subsided. H occasionly tried to throw some of that anger my way, but I reminded him that his anger was not because of me so suck it in and look in the mirror. Worked for me. <P>I felt relief almost immediately. So even now, when H gets angry, he usually has to end up apologizing fairly quickly. 1 hour vs never. Hm...ph.... well now H says that I never seem to have to apologize for anything. That is not true but you see how they think? Yep, not only like a teenager but one with a bad memory. <P>L.

Hi O, So good to hear from you. Are you okay? You "sound" tired. My thoughts are with you. <P>I'm trying to appeal to him reasonably but reason does not currently have a place in mindset. I'm going to try to implement your idea but he just doesn't appear open to new ideas. In Feb, had your H already committed to marriage recovery? My H has committed to leaving at this point.

Dear T,<P>Tired? A bit. Still carrying a lot of the stress on me physically. Healing for me will take a while. I am getting used to that now. My body has been broken due to all this and my healing time is greatly lengthened. <P>I break down much easier and now don't force myself to be the 'do all' super mom/wife that I thought my family needed. Guess what? They are surviving, they now have to live with a much slower mom. I still go at a faster pace than H but it is much slower than what I used to be. <P>Anyway to your questions. No, in Feb, H was spending his 2nd month out on his own. Seeing OW whenever but having to hear from us 'all the time'. I had not gone to plan B yet and I guess my constant reminder that he had family really used to set OW off. hehe he!!! <P>But it also put the WS on edge. See they really don't like to upset the OP. Can't score love bank points with OP if the family keeps popping up. So the normal course of the foghead is to lash out against the family and the BS is usually the first one to get the brunt of it. Does this illogic look familar? <P>Now you know why he is angry at you. Ok, the mystery is out of the bag. Now you can direct the anger away from you and give it back to him. That is what I did. Since H was not around all the time, it was easier to tell him to take his anger back to 'his place'. Whatever that meant. He did. Guess what, it did not feel better there either (at least for him). For me, while I was hurting at least I was not getting fresh anger. Now the WS either had to suck up his anger or share it with his other contact..... OW.... wow what a concept. Encouraging the WS to LB on the OP???? <P>Possible? Maybe. Remember, those fogheads get their clever ideas from the OP who probably has a much clearer head since they have to steer the WS to do their bidding. <P>Aaahh.. another revelation. The OP may not be in the fog as much as we thought? Oh, yes. At least that is my theory. These OPs (especially the OWs) tend to be very manipulating...... full of ideas and ways to circumvent the family unit. Put their selfish desires ahead of what is morally right and beneficial even for the WS. <P>Well, the BS and most of the rest of humanity can see that, except the one that needs to, the WS. Until then, the rest of us (BS and rest of humanity) have to let stupid be stupid until stupid changes his mind and decides not to act and look stupid (to the BS and the rest of humanity) any more. <P>When that time comes, the WS will have a bit of reconciling to do. Can they just slide back in and think no one will notice that they were detached from humanity for x number of days/weeks/months or years? They could but they would be fooling themselves. Even our children will remember those days when 'dad' acted dumb......<P>We all make mistakes, how we recognize and fix them is what separates those who learn from those who don't. <P>JHMO,<BR>L. <BR>

Terrified, I admire the way you are trying so hard to save your marriage. You deserve incredible success with this.<P>I have noticed that you are concerned about the effect this will have on your daughter, so you don't argue back with him.<P>"Since he verbally abuses me in front of our daughter AT EVERY OPPORTUNITY, I hold myself back from reacting to it at all. I just can't do that to her. "--Terrified<P>Don't forget, though, that your daughter is learning from you in this situation. You certainly want to protect her from seeing her parents yelling at each other, but do you want to teach her to take abusive behavior quietly? What if she found herself in an abusive relationship in the future--would you want her to accept the abuse or do what newwoman suggests:<P>"state in a strong, calm tone: "You are being unfair and abusive. I will no longer accept your abuse." Then walk away. I guarantee you that he will continue to abuse you as long as you are willing to accept that abuse. Don't accept it."--newwoman<P>Terrified, take heart and love your daughter by refusing to allow her to watch you be cowed and humiliated. Plan A doesn't mean accepting verbal abuse.<P>Rose Red