My WH had EA then PA with co-worker that she ended 8/6(same day she quit work) and then continued to call him until I confronted him last Sunday. He told me she had continued to leave him voice messages on his cell phone but they only spoke to one another for the week before Labor Day. But he is truly in love with this OW and has told me he is only staying to work on this because of our child. He does hope his feelings for me will return but of course we can't be sure. Though I think his actions reflect that he does still care for me, it is currently hidden in "his fog" for OW. <P>My H told me Sept 3, Labor Day, that he told the OW not to call him anymore, "it's really over this time". I realize his only contact with OW had been by her calling him at work (which I have no way to know when & if she calls there) and his cell phone. <P>That cell phone seems to be my only hang-up in all this right now. He does seem to be trying, but I continue to want to know if she is calling him (I know that is control that I am not supposed to be doing, but I can't help it).<BR>However, he refuses to give me the password to access his messages on his cell phone. The problem I am having is that there he received several phone calls a work from voices that he didn't recognize that were saying things to him about the A and the final call he received said that our daughter knew about him and how upset she was by her parents not getting along, etc. He told me that was the straw that broke it, he never wanted our child brought into this (she is only 7 and neither he or I believe that she has said anything to anyone - she has no clue about our problems). We both feel these calls were just a mind game against him. But he told me the day he said he told OW it was over that he "would get to the bottom of the calls" he had been getting. <P>He now tells me he is still digging to find out who had been calling him and that he has people calling him with messages about this stuff and he doesn't want me mixed up with this and that he will tell me as soon as he "knows who this is". To me this is just too much crap to believe that she isn't also leaving him messages.<P>I know it is a form of control and he has said to me "don't you trust me" and I do want to but there has just been too many lies in the past for me to say ok, just do what you want and I'll continue to stand here waiting on you to love me again.<P>How should I handle this - with myself and with him???<P>I have really made no demands on him about staying at home or during any of this and his previous lies. The only thing I have said to him before is that he had to make a decision-choose to continue to see OW or stop and that he couldn't continue to see her and keep me dangling at home. of course I told him that

the way I got my H password was....<BR>when he is sleeping.....go get the phone<BR>turn it on....go on line to your cellphone company...attempt to sign-on to the account...of course you don't know the password...somewhere on the page...it will say "forgot your password'? click on that and have them send the password to the phone....watch the phone and the passcode will appear....then you can access the account on line as well as listen to the voice mail messages......hope this helps...<P>------------------<BR>always-faith4us

My H wouldn't give me his cell or email password either. When I told him he didn't have any right expecting me to trust him after his A's & I would leave him if he didn't give them to me.<P>I got then all right. Guess what ? They were the OW name. ): ):

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Heartbreak25130:<BR><B><P>I know it is a form of control and he has said to me "don't you trust me" and I do want to but there has just been too many lies in the past for me to say ok, just do what you want and I'll continue to stand here waiting on you to love me again.<P>How should I handle this - with myself and with him???<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Hopefully you didn't fall for the guilt trip implicit in the "you don't trust me" accusation. A bullsh** accusation usually only levelled by the most untrustworthy to shut you up. Of course, you don't trust him. He has been lying and committing adultery for quite some time now so only an INSANE person would trust him. <P>So, I would just make it clear to him that, of course you don't trust him as only an insane person would trust an untrustworthy man, and that if he WANTS you to trust him that he needs to start doing things to REBUILD your trust in him. As in giving you his cell phone password. Does he want you to worry or does he want you to be reassured? You can't very well work to rebuild your marriage if you are constantly worrying about his activities - and unneccesarily so if he is truly doing nothing wrong. Does he want to reassure you or not? That is what it comes down to.<P>

And if that fails, you can bet your butt I would FIND A WAY to get his call logs and password. On my husband's cell phone there is a ingoing and outgoing call history. I think mine has the same thing. Can you check that?

I totally agree with Dana. <P>He needs to earn your trust back. He's the one that chose to abuse it, it's his responsibility to repair it. And yes, ONE of those ways to do that is to give you his passwords.<P>When my H refused to do that (going on and on about his need for privacy, etc), he was still in contact with OW#1. So of course he wouldn't tell them to me! When I found out that contact was still happening, we came to an agreement. One: he would stop contact his way (which meant not doing a no contact letter.. sigh!) Two: He would tell me the passwords BUT Three: He wanted me to not look in his 'stuff' on my own. He would rather I ask him first, and he would gladly show me. That's where the boundary had to be reset (ticks me off that it had to be that way)... but anyways, he understood, that if he chose to continue contact, then I didn't want him here. Plain and simple. A marriage CANNOT be rebuilt if the OP is still in the picture with the WS.<P>3 was damn hard. And I still checked without asking him first (but I would tell him that I had immediately after the fact). But once I was feeling assured that he wasn't getting any more emails or phone calls from OW#1, I eased off immensely.<P>It's now been 3 months since he gave me his passwords. And I don't check his mail like I used to. Sure, the odd time I will out of curiosity, but I am fortunate, and no contact has been re-established.<P>Karen

If he has nothing to hide, he will hide nothing. <P>I got my H's passwords to EVERYTHING the day he came clean,Aug 20,2000. We were separated three weeks previous during which the PA began...When he is ready to be checked on, when it's REALLY over, he will tell you. Til then I would suspect every message...how can you possibly trust him? My H said the same things your H does, when he was still in the A.

Thanks everyone for the replies. Last night was so hard. I just wanted to strangle him and say "are you still talking with her." My head tells me the same things you are all saying - especially "if he has nothing to hide he won't hide anything." I really agree with that. <P>I really think, as has been his actions in the past, that he is trying to rebuild our life and I know that it is a LONG, SLOW process. My concern is HER. She has been the one previously to contact him. When that has happened in the past he has withdrawn from me, just something I can feel and I felt that way last night. But I did check the phone again this am and no messages and no calls on the call logs (her MO has previously been to call before 7am). I did ask, ever so casually, if he had gotten any calls or messages yesterday and he said no. So maybe there is a chance that those messages I saw yesterday am were from the weekend when he didn't have his phone. <P>I don't know. I know me though and I figure I will say something to him this evening. But I just don't know how without LB'ing. I guess I should take your advice and calmly say that this makes me uncomfortable as if there is something for him to hide and ask him to look at it from my perspective. And tell him if his has nothing to hide there is really no reason not to give it to me. The other thing is I really need to tell him that, for my peace of mind, I want the cell number changed. I know that he could give her a new number too, but at least for the time being, it will give me some reasurance. And let me know what his intensions are - if he gives her a new number, then he really doesn't have intensions of working on the marriage.<P>And his phone does have the call logs on it for received, missed and dialed numbers. But he knows how to delete these, so that really doesn't give me much to go on. A question that I do have is this. If the phone is turned off and someone calls and leaves a voice message will that still show as a "missed call"???<P>Thanks again for everyone taking the time to answer me. And I will use your advice and think with my head and not my heart more...<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Heartbreak25130:<BR><B>. If the phone is turned off and someone calls and leaves a voice message will that still show as a "missed call"???<P>...</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>To the best of my knowledge, no, the phone number will not be recorded on the call display if the phone is turned off. My H has a phone with those same features, and the only way to even know if someone called, is if they leave a message.<P>Karen<BR>

Thanks for the response Karen. That is what I thought, that there wouldn't be anything left on the call log if the phone is turned off.<P>I am pleased to say today though, that yesterday and today H had left the phone on and there are still no calls showing up on the call logs and I do believe I am getting to the logs before he is. <P>Yesterday was a much better day too. The distance I had felt the day before, causing me to think he had talked to OW was gone. I hadn't mentioned before that H hurt his back over the weekend. I had the fleeting thought that his distance could be because of the pain, but as a BS of course my 1st thought was, "oh no, this isn't back pain, this is heartache for the OW". So I am just going to hope that my over active imagination was working and my WH is still continuing to work on our life and hasn't made contact with the OW.<P>Thanks again for all replies. I'm not going to quit checking the cell phone, but I'm not going to harp on it - unless something happens again.

Hate to discourage you, but this was such a serious issue in my soon to be over marriage, (tomorrow, in fact). My wife kept her emails secret from me, or so she thought. I figured out her password, (dumb, but fortunate luck!), and I had all the evidence I needed for the divorce. <P>At first she said her correspondence was totally innocent, and she wasn't going to give up and quit speaking, (voice and emails), with her male friends, just because she had gotten married. However, knowing what she was doing, I just kept quiet and printed the emails. <P>Spouses have no good reason for hiding emails and passwords.