After trying to ease my suspicions for several months now, I finally found out that W was seeing someone else while I was gone. I was hurt at first, but for some reason, I got an overwhelming relief about finding out - like the weight of the world was lifted off my shoulders. <P>I still love her very much, and have done everything in my power to get some of her lost love back. I have even resorted to getting into the files in her computer - which is how I found out. I really wish that I didn't find out the way I did. It would have felt better if I heard it from her own mouth. <P>The pain has been crippling at times, not getting the love and attention that she used to give. It hurts living with the woman I love and not getting a warm, loving touch from her.<P>I have been chatting with someone online who shares my own feelings, and I seriously believe that I am starting feel something for her. I am thinking that she has eased some of the pain from my relationship and that's why finding out doesn't bother me. <P>Could this be it? Could it be that simple? Have I found a place to get the love and attention that was missing? Are the feelings I have for this OW just superficial? Can such a relationship last?<P>Any help you good folks can give me would be greatly appreciated.

WOAH, pOpeye_34:<BR>You have entered dangerous waters. One A does not make the other A better. If you want to save your marriage, then you've come to the right place. If you don't want to save the marriage; and you want to pursue another relationship with this OW, then I don't know how much help a Marriagebuilding website will be. Read all the information here about infidelity. There is a newcomers thread under the "Just found out" forum. If you sincerely want to save your marriage, the most important step you could take is to end the online relationship. It's not going to help things at all. Talk with your W. Good luck.<P>MOM

Speaking as a BS, DO NOT GO THERE. Believe me, the pain isn't worth it. And yes, it is too good to be true. You are MARRIED, remember that.

No, don't get me wrong, I've been visiting this site for several months now. I have read almost all of the posts and articles.<P>What I want is the pain to go away. Thats starting to happen. But why is it going away?<P>I've talked to W about my feelings for several months. Tried Plan A and was about to resort to Plan B. She hears me, I know, but she doesn't understand how much love I have for her. She refuses to talk to me about it and refuses to see a councelor with me. I'm still showering with my love, but it's as though she is covered with oil and it just rolls off of her.<P>I know that friends can ease some of the pain, and I think that's what I've found. But other than the initial hurt I felt when I found out, there is nothing. <P>I still want her back, but I feel as though my rejected efforts are really not worth time. I just love her enough to allow her to move on if that's what she wants - but I don't know what she wants. Is that contradicting?

... well, IMO.... I think there is a period of acceptance that you reach - peace - ....somewhere around here is an excellent older thread on the stages of grieving, and acceptance is one that you will go in and out of quite a bit, and probably will increase over time. Especially if your W is not depositing love bank units... the bank will dry up. You begin to see yourself without this person. You are working on yourself and your own happiness and independance in Plan A. And if you are anywhere near an EA online, your needs are being filled by another "person" - which happens to be a woman, it adds to the confusion of whether or not you want your W back.<P>You need to Plan A as long as possible - Harley's recommend 6 months - and you may have to make a conscience decision to do so, as your love bank dwindles.... but the signs of Plan B time are a seriously low love bank, and continued A by the WS.<p>[This message has been edited by Faith1 (edited September 10, 2001).]

That all makes sense Faith...but because I'm in Navy, I travel a lot and I am about to leave for a long period, so I will not be able to continue on with Plan A while I'm gone. Which, coincidently, is when the OM stepped into her life...while I was away.<P>Somewhere a few months ago, I posted to "Just Found Out" where there is a long story from the beginning. I don't fear for my future as much as I did back then, and I was just a little confused as to why. But your post has cleared a few things up for me. It's still a tough decision to make, since I like my life now without all the hurt in it.<P>Thanks for clearing some things up, all of you...faithl, maggierose, and myownme...you people are awesome.<P>Pops