My W and I have been separated since March. She is trying to work on the marriage, but not at the same capacity as I am. I want us to move back in together and work on it. She says she is gun shy and has a lot of emotions she is trying to sort out, but does want to work on the marriage. She says she is afraid of moving back in together only to divorce in 6 mos or a year from now. She says she doesn't want to do that to the kids. She has asked me for the time (probably December) to let her be the one to WANT to move back in with me and NOT be forced to move back in. <P>I am growing wary of the situation. I am sure most of you will probably say to give her the space she wants. She has from all indications stopped contacting OM, although OM (up until last week) was still contacting her (supposedly for advice on his marriage). We spend time together as much as possible. I help her with her homework, we do family things together. She and I are going to counseling and we are going to the MB weekend.<P>Am I being too pushy right now?<P>S&C

I think you already no the answer. No pushing. You cannot control her feelings. Actually, I wish my H had been a little more hesitant (as well as me), when he wanted to come home. Once he got there, he lied some more by continuing to see the OW and talk to her. As a result, I suffered more, because I had thought he was truly home to work on the marriage. You DON'T want your W to come home that way. It's GREAT that she's in counseling with you. Continue to be the best H you can be with whatever time you get to spend together. Make your home IMPOSSIBLE for her to live without. It will work out if you can continue to be patient. If the contact isn't over with OM, wouldn't you rather her NOT be home? Just my opinion. My prayers go out to you.<P>MOM

Hi S&C. I sort of agree with MOM. Don't push for her to move back in. Start the MC and see what comes out of that. Bring up your concerns there and see where it leads you.<P>She does have to WANT to come back, you cannot force her...<P>You are doing enough right now, give it time... Anything more will just burst the bubble.<P>HbH

S&C<P>I know exactly where you are at. I was there. My W had a hard time committing to coming back home and for me it got very frustrating.<P>She raised some of the same concerns. What if I come back and it doesn't work etc?<P>All I could tell her was there were no guarantees except one. That is, that there was absolutely no hope for the relationship unless we tried. <P>But you can't push her. My W was very adamant about that and I learned that she was right. You can't "make" her do a thing.<P>All you can do is be there for her...listen...and try to understand what she is telling you.<P>This is not easy. It is not easy to be patient and to realize that it will take time...more time than you ever thought. Especially when you want to just work on your relationship and she is still on the fence.<P>Time, patience and understanding will go a long way for you. Once you understand that it will also add some peace for you too.<P>My W is home now..has been for five weeks...and that isn't easy either, but taking time, being patient and trying to undersatnd helped me a lot.<P>Good luck, hang in there <P>E

Thank you all for your replies. You all are correct. I guess I knew it deep down too. I have done a lot of thinking over night and came to the same conclusion. We have a counseling session tonight - I plan on telling my W that I am sorry for pushing. I will tell her that while I do not agree with her decision to stay separated, I will respect it, support it, and try to create an environment that is condusive to her WANTING to come back. <P>What do you think?<P>S&C

I think it's a good plan. But you have to stick to it. That's hard.<P>At one point I told my W that I respected her decision not to rush home and that she was being very thoughtful about what she should do and that going thru that process could hopefully help us in the long run.<P>I also told her I did not want her at home if she didn't WANT to be there.<P>That was very important to me.<P>Good luck <P>E

I talked to my W last night. We were going to go give blood together, but the wait was over 5 hours and they were asking people to come back the today. I told my W that I was sorry for pushing her to live together. I told her that I did not agree with her but that I would respect her and support her and that I would work on creating an environment that is condusive to her wanting to move back in together. She simply said thank you. She has told me in the past that she wants to at least get through this next semester of school to see "how I react to her going to school." I guess I need to wait until December.<P>S&C