... Well to start off with, it's not an affair.. I've just been thinking ALOT about my ex H. We were married a very short time, probably about 2 1/2 years when I met my current H on the job. We began having an affair. I tried to break off all contact but I was too deep in a fog and at the time I didn't know about MB and didn't realize the withdrawal I was going thru was quite normal. To me, it was utter pain, in fact I had to check myself into a rehab for about 2 weeks, I thought I would die from the pain of not being with him.<P>During this whole time My then H was very supportive, He knew of the affair and He was with me, listened to my crying about not being able to be with the OP.. In fact, now that this is all over, I don't even know why the affair happened?? I had a perfect H. so loving, affectionate, interested in me, helped me around the house...etc..<P>Well we divorced and now I'm remarried to the OM... I honestly believe it was an addiction but now I have grown to love him and I guess we both realize we have made a mistake, We have asked for forgiveness and are trying to build a life together with God being the center of our lives. We figure we HAVE to make it work, it's the least we can do for hurting so many innocent people.<P>My H and I talk alot about what could we have possibly been thinking about? and we both agree that if we had to do it all over again, we would stay with the people we were with. They were good people. However we are trying hard to make our relationship work, we just took the Top 5 en questionnaire last nite, and My top 5 are affectiion, domestic support, admiration, sexual fulfillment and conversation, and His are honesty and openness, domestic support, family committment, recreational companishiop and an attractive spouse. <P>The problem is my new H is very insecure especially about things that concern my ex-H and i believe it's becuz he knows he was a good person, and I admit i do silently compare and at times I think "why didn't I just stay with who I was?" <P>I haven't heard from my ex, except once, he emailed me about 1 month ago and said he still would willingly take me back, no questions asked, we could get counseling and he would love me and learn to be a better husband..i don't think that was the problem, I was a bad wife.<P>maybe i just feel guilty for hurting such a wonderful husband that at times I do wonder about him, hoping that he is okay, esp when my H now is being so inconsiderate and insensitive.<P>What do You think? <P>and to all the betrayers out there.. I would strongly urge you to make your marriage work at all costs. You will have regrets if you don't

<BR> WOW! I just do not know what to say. Your ex H still wants you. If you think you want him I think you owe it to yourself to be honest with your current H and tell him you are confused and then spend several weaks alone< Get theray therapy amd more therapy before you do any thing. My prayers are with all of you. Yesitcan! Work

I think that you just gave a lot of people hope to continue to work on their marriage...but there is sadness, too...<P>I think of all the people hurt in the situation...hurt because we cannot be honest with them or ourselves about our true selves.<P>We humans keep chosing relationships based on fear instead of love...fear that someone will discover who we really are...fear that we will love someone more than they love us...fear that they will find another to love...fear that someone give more in a marriage than the other...fear...fear...fear...<P>And because of the fear, we encounter the control issue...people lose themselves in their marriage...they sublimate themselves until they can no more because they feel so empty and alone...then someone else comes along that feels the same way and they fill each other up...but it's a false love...a love based on addiction...addiction to a feeling of something so intense it is unbelievable...but even the addiction is based on fear...fear that you are going against your own beliefs...<P>There we have it the human cunundrum...fear-based relationships with control issues instead of love-based relationships based on sharing...<P>I said in a post once that <I>Love just is...</I>...and I still believe it is true...but we sure don't do much to nurture it and help it grow once the "I do's" worn off...<P>Cali<P>------------------<BR><I>Live Impeccably In Your Word.<BR>Don't Take Anything Personally.<BR>Make No Assumptions.<BR>Do Your Best Always. </I>

Talitha I would like you to speak to my wife WS so she can understands what shes about to go through . If I can get her here I would like to call apon you for advise to her .

Thanks for replying.<P>Colfax- I'm not sure of your story but I gather your wife is the betrayer. I would love to speak with her and let her know how painful this whole ordeal has been to me.. i believe that is why God has put this as one of his commandements, becuz it sure does hurt!<P>Plain Cali- I agree with you.. it's unfortunate that fear exists in the marriage covenant, the bible states, perfect love casts out fear... but for me, it always seems like I'm on stage, performing afraid to just be me becuz you won't like me. Sometimes I would just like to relax and breathe and say "hey, it really hurts when you do or say that" instaed of "nothing's wrong" <P>I had this with my ex H.. I can't even begin to describe what a wonderful man he was.. Then along came my Now H and He's a charmer and I fell for him. I love him now but It's sad the things we had to go thru and the people we had to hurt just to get here and yet, it's not like we thought it would be.. We have the same real problems.. and it's extra hard to make it work becuz there is a lack of trust.<P>What really makes it hard, is that my ex- lives In the apt complex next to ours.. He was so devastated about losing me that he followed me and said he just wanted to feel close to me. I haven't seen him though in about 5 months but knowing he's right there is hard.. he was my best friend <P>I love my husband now with all my hearts and it's hard sometimes but the way I see it, why look back?? I'm here, We're married and we have to make it work but with the help of God we will get thru this