<p>[ January 09, 2002: Message edited by: OffOnOnOff ]</p>

Hi OOOO.<P>I looked for your sign down on the way to VA, but I must have missed it. LOL<P>I am so sorry for your pain. Are you and your wife in counseling? My H refused for the past 3 1/2 years. Now he tells me that he realizes that if something like this ever happened again (him wanting out of the marriage so bad) that he would go to counseling again and work things out.<P>We are currently in counseling and it has a huge effect.<P>I'm not sure what to tell you. Do you have a plan for recovery in place? What is that plan, are you following it? Without that, then you are pretty much screwed, sorry to say...<P>I am going to start a post where I only list the good things my H has done, to help me focus. Perhaps this may help you? Think of the positives (like the few you mentioned in your post).<P>Try not to dwell on not having the closeness, it broods resentment.<P>If your W will not go to counseling, you should at least go to individual, it will help you to do things that will eventually help your W as well...<P>HbH

0110:<P>The emotional peaks and valleys will persist for some time. Even on a robust road to recovery. Things from pre-dday still surface with zorweb occasionally: but in the environment of honesty, care and protection that we have established and nutured, we can talk about it ... and I can nurture and reassure her.<P>On the flip side, twinges of guilt, remorse, shame still hit from time to time. Usually, I can just remind myself how far we have come, how much of a better relationship we currently enjoy. Eventually it passes.<P>The point is: there will be emotional baggage for some time. All traumas, whether to body, mind or spirit, take time to heal. My term for this is "emotional potholes in the road to recovery." Not scientific, but apt. Your journey and recovery continues in spite of these slight bumps. From what zorweb and I have experienced so far, the benefit to our relationship of living an MB principles-based marriage is what will ultimately prevail. And that, my friend, is worth an occasional jar from a bump in the road.<P>So stay the course ... zorweb and I want lots of company on this road; this is one traffic jam where there is no road rage (because we now discuss all our issues before it comes to that point).<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL

OOOO<P>sorry that you are down. <P>with the events of today I have no words. just wanted you to know I was thinking of you

Hi OOOO,<P>Sorry you are feeling down. I know what you mean. I wonder myself if it is worth it. Then I read posts like STL's and think maybe there is hope? Tragedies like today's events could be a wake up call for those in the fog. Ya think? <P>Please let us know how you are doing.<P>L.

<p>[ January 09, 2002: Message edited by: OffOnOnOff ]</p>

Hi fella - Your wife and mine have a lot in common, probably. They don't want to consider the fact that they may be screwed up. She's stubborn and a perfectionist, right? Can't stand to NOT be in control, right?<P>Dave

<p>[ January 09, 2002: Message edited by: OffOnOnOff ]</p>

OOOO,<P>Sorry to hear you are down. You said something that I think you ought to consider yourself. You said: <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> Anyway, no, we are not in counseling right now, especially my wife. She’s never been in one and I don’t think she will ever get to it either. She refused, period. She said she didn’t believe in it. She thinks they are manipulative people. I think part of it was that she was afraid of finding out what’s wrong with her. <B>My wife has had a hard time with rejection throughout her life and she couldn’t take it very well. She’d like to be in control and do what it takes at all cost to win no matter she is wrong or right.</B> Until she realizes that no one is perfect, including her, it would be hard for me to deal with her.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>The bold is my emphasis. Now what do you think she will do if you go to Plan B??? I really think you need to consider that you do in fact understand your W and use this knowledge constructively. She has screwed up but hasn't had to face it. She gets to create her fantasy family with you doing everything and getting nothing. Perfect control, perfect family, and of course perfect kids. See anything wrong with this picture? I sure do.<P>Think about it.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

<p>[ January 09, 2002: Message edited by: OffOnOnOff ]</p>

JL - I'm with you. I'm in the plan and soon, it will all come home to roost. I can't say any more.<P>I feel for OOOO because he is not in a good position to Plan B - they're still under the same roof. I wish we could devise a way for this to work for him.<P>WAT

OOOO,<P>While I think it is time for you to take some action, my suggestion is to back off, and I mean way off. Get a life going, join something and generally start to enjoy your life. She may take this as rejection, but it may stir her to start to think about losing you.<P>As for her revenge, give me a break. She did that already and look what happened? You are the one making her revenge work. She cannot hurt you more, buddy. I also doubt that you will lose your children, joint custody is more like it. See a lawyer, and then see what the options are for you.<P>This is all about you now OOOO. You cannot change her or force her to change herself. It is your life we are talking about and it is clear you don't like the one you have now. Change it.<P>The change may shake her up, but it should make you happy no matter what.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Just Learning:<BR><B>OOOO,<P>While I think it is time for you to take some action, my suggestion is to back off, and I mean way off. Get a life going, join something and generally start to enjoy your life. She may take this as rejection, but it may stir her to start to think about losing you.<P>As for her revenge, give me a break. She did that already and look what happened? You are the one making her revenge work. She cannot hurt you more, buddy. I also doubt that you will lose your children, joint custody is more like it. See a lawyer, and then see what the options are for you.<P>This is all about you now OOOO. You cannot change her or force her to change herself. It is your life we are talking about and it is clear you don't like the one you have now. Change it.<P>The change may shake her up, but it should make you happy no matter what.<P>God Bless,<P>JL</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I agree, especially as you don't seem to be better with her slight thaw, I believe the thaw was a responce to her knowing you were reaching the end of your rope.<P>sing

<p>[ January 09, 2002: Message edited by: OffOnOnOff ]</p>

<p>[ January 09, 2002: Message edited by: OffOnOnOff ]</p>