My wife and I are back together after a year long, painful and drama filled seperation. Our reconcilliation is only 3 weeks old and I feel like I am in shock. <BR>I was raised in a poor but loving household. I felt safe and loved, but was not sheltered from suffering of others (and some of my own - such is life). I feel that this combination, with some inherited neurochemical magic gave me a strong and resilient Giver. I’ve always desired to understand others and felt the desire to make others happy. It made me politically active and very artistic. It also opened me up to a lot of cruelty during junior high school, high school and even college (to a lesser degree) from members of the opposite sex. <BR>I haven’t worked out the specifics of that element in my past, but the bottom line is that it made me very shy, and completely dateless in my youth and young adulthood.<BR>I met my wife as I was just beginning to break out of this. She was a long standing friend before we were a couple and we eventually married.<BR>Over 6 years things happened to lead us to our current dilema. I neglected her need for recreational companionship (having kids didn’t help that) and mistook sweeping romantic gestures as a way to fulfill her need for affection. She suffered from clinical depression and fell short of my need for an attractive spouse (a need I never mentioed because I blamed myself. She gained weight as a result of having kids).<BR>About a year ago, she became very resentful and I became very fatalistic about never pleasing her. I felt I was failing. But in a complete reversal, she eventually revealed that our 6 years of marraige had been peppered with short one-nighter affairs. Most of them had happened recently. <BR>I instantly went into a bizzare, masochistic Giver mode for about 3 days. Then the anger surfaced and I became very recriminating. Shortly after that she made a nearly successufl attempt at suicide. The hospital she ended up at kept her locked up for over a week (standard observation period). During that period, my Giver took over again. When she got out, things seemed sad but promising.<BR>About 2 weeks later she told me to move out. I did. Two weeks after that she had a live-in boyfriend. The pain was incredible. I didn’t “retailate” or respond in kind by dating other women. Because of my relationship withthe kids (which she had physical custody of) I saw her and her boyfriend often.<BR>Eventually, she moved out of state. Because I now had custody of the kids, we still talked over the phone. During that time she repeatedly tried to reconcile with me. She dumped her boyfriend and cut off all contact with him, but I refused every advance. I was polite, but told her that my anger and distrust were too great for me to take her back. Eventually she stopped asking outright and started making deposits in my love bank with compliments, filling my need for admiration when my self esteem was low.<BR>Around this time (9 months after I moved out)I felt ready to date again. To my surprise, women came out of the woodwork with interest in me. I only had time for one date (single fatherhood ate up most of my time), but it was with a very beautiful, philisophical med student. Way beyond my expectations for myself. It started to work on me.<BR>Then my wife showed up at my door to see the kids. We had a long talk, did some drinking (not a common practice for either of us) and had sex. Suddenly my feelings changed, like a door had been opened and we talked some more. I agreed to give it another shot.<BR>The first few days were like embarking on a bold adventure, full of excitement and anxiety. But now I am depressed.<BR>This is what I’m feeling and how I’m interpreting those feelings:<BR>I feel that I’ve been cheated. She got to do all kinds of fooling around. She was always sexually confident. I’ve always suffered from a low sexual self image. My marraige was never very fulfilling in that regard and made me feel sexually trapped. Then when I get a chance to resolve these issues through experimentation in what appeared to be a morally just fashion, it gets taken away. Even though I made the choice in the end and must own the responsibility for it, it FEELS like she stole it from me.<BR>Doctor Harley says that he favors compensation in cases of infidelity. I agree. But my unfulfilled needs from the past, combined with my desire to not feel foolish for “letting her get away with it all” have made my Taker want unreasonable things. I think of having my own affairs now, but my Giver (and my ethical system) will not allow me to do things behind her back. So my taker twists up a comprimise with fantasies of threesome that include her. I know that this is even more dangerous and includes a greater chance of hurting a third party.<BR>I’m still horrified of mentioning her weight problem as a major issue for me. I know she knows I don’t like it. I just don’t want to insult her. It also makes me feel shallow and “unable to see the good beneath the skin”.<BR>I don’t want to call the reconcilliation off. I do love her and she fills a lot of my other needs. I know I can forgive and I want to. But honestly, my needs were so unmet that given another year or two I might have been the one having affairs.<BR>What can I expect from her in the way of these needs? I know what I mentioned above is excessive and my strong giver does not want to even talk about it (this letter constitutes a terrifying admission for me). I’m in therapy now to try and reconcile my past, but that has shown me that I can’t do it alone. My issues are social, interpersonal ones. Of course they can’t be resolved alone. I’m hoping that marraige could be a medium to resolve these sexual issues (it does prohibit most other kinds of solutions).<BR>I guess my taker wants this kind of relief as its compensation. It has become opportunistic in this situation. I haven’t mentioed these thoughts to my wife. Mainly because of the inner contradictions they cause. Do you have any advice?<P>Thanks for listening,<BR>D.K.

Have you and your W filled out the Needs Assessment or Survey? You obviously have many needs that you did not address in your letter. If both of you can honestly list all your needs and then pick the five top ones, then you might be able to start working on a reconciliation. Also, having an affair just because your spouse had one is not an unfulfilled need. You don't "have" to get even. You probably already missed something in her life and her affair was just a way of getting even with you. If you want another type of life then you shuldn't have accepted her back in your life. But I suspect that she is the one you really want. In that case, forget the past and concentrate on the future. Work on her needs (not the ones "you" think she needs) and ask her to recognize your needs. you might just find out that both of your needs are quite similar and easy to satisfy. Then you can work on building the rest of your marriage from there.<P>Flip

The main thing I heard was you asking what to expect from her and that you are either trying to get someone here to justify what you want to do or talk you out of it. Either way dangerous situation. As far as what to expect from her, I don't know, Why don't you ask her?<P>------------------<BR>1Co:2:4: And my speech and my preaching was not with enticing words of man's wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power:<BR>1Co:2:5: That your faith should not stand in the wisdom of men, but in the power of God.

I think Flipper may have misinterpreted what I was trying to say. Having my own afair has certainly crossed my mind, but I don't want one. I never have. I mentioned it because it upsets me that it was one of the first things to enter my head when I started thinking of solutions for my feelings.<BR>I don't think I'm motivated by the urge to GET even. But I need to find a way to get past the fear that my needs will never get met. The needs assesment survey is a fantastic idea. W is reading the basic concepts pages even as I write this, so that will get done.<BR>On the same token, I fall right in line with Dr. H's reasoning on the difference between forgiveness and comphensation (the $10,000 analogy from "why can't we just forgive and forget?")<BR>I am not faultless here. I own responsibility to my part. That is why I'm here. But I am still a victim of a horrible act by the most trusted person in my life. What I am looking for is a more sane way to feel that the act has been righted that is not humilating to W or costly to her esteem.