Okay, here I am after a full day after finding out that W is a adulterer and I feel pretty bad. I talked with her last night, and again today, asking specific questions that I already knew the answers to. She lied and then lied again to cover up the first one. <P>I don't know if I am making a mistake by asking her specific questions, but she just refuses to give me the information by herself. She doesn't want to talk to me, she refuses to go to a counselor, and the feeling that I get from her feels like hatred. I keep asking myself why I am putting myself through all of this? I know that after 20 years invested, I deserve more than this. <P>So, tell me, is all of this normal? Am I doing the right things? How do you stick with Plan A without getting any love in return? I can't stand to put my arms around someone who, I feel, hates me. I think that I need to remove myself from the source of the pain or it's going to kill me - I never thought it could hurt so much.<P>I just need help trying to cope with all of the lies and the hatred.<P>Thanks,<BR>Pops

Unfortunately if you read other post you will see that it's all too "normal". Actually I would call it "abnormal", but your W is in denial. My H denied because he knew it was wrong, but he also blamed me. Have your H read some post here. Print out the Harley's info & questionaires & give them to her. Hopefully she'll read them. It may take a lot of time. ):<P>Hope I can help. If I can't help myself I can try & help others. <P>Lisa

Hello Pops,<P>First of all, I would like to welcome you here. None of us would be here, if we had a choice, and yet this is the best place for us to be! There is help here for troubled marriages. Learn, read all you can, order as many of the Harley materials that you can....it is all good stuff, and really works! There are real, life success stories here.<P>Unfortunately, I am not one of them, YET!! We are also M 20 years, so your story stood out to me. My H is the adulterer, so I am where you are, except my "saga" began almost 4 months ago. Goodness, I was a mess, and hurting so badly and NEVER thought it would "drag on" for this long...or that I could stand it. With the help of many wonderful people on this board, I have stood it, and become a better, stronger person. You can, too.<P>My H did not deny his A, as much as he simply LEFT! In his mind, if he left, he never would have to admit or be confronted with anything. So I'm not sure which is worse. I can't help you with that aspect of your hurt. I would tell you, though, that asking her questions and expecting "truth" out of her at this point is futile. She is in deep denial (yes, denial!) and will not own up, or confess anything to you. All you are liable to do is push her further away. Let it go. Just concentrate on yourself for now. Read the material on the Articles Pages on this website.....start "Plan A." You are nowhere ready to "remove yourself from the source of pain..." and you can have a hope of reconciliation in the future. You CAN do this. Many are, and have been. You've got to learn and understand what is happening to your W, and prepare yourself.<P>So, read and learn all you can about the dynamics of these events. There is really nothing you can do right now to reach your W. This thing is going to play out to the bitter end, so prepare for a bumpy ride, and maybe even a long one. I honestly believe you can determine HOW long by your actions and reactions to her. Get busy, Pops, there's much to learn!<P>Keep posting, and we'll keep in touch, and many others will have advice as well....there are many others further along than I who have "been there" and have good advice - they'll chime in!<P>Lupo

Lupo, your words inspire me...I don't know what to say except that ROGER THAT! I'll do whatever it takes to get her back.<P>In the meantime, I still have needs and wants...while she is probably out satisfying her own, I still have the need to feel loved.<P>What in hell does a person do to fulfil those needs while they are waiting for someone to come out of the "fog"?<P>Thanks,<BR>Pops

Come here. And try not to think about it. <P>I'm glad you're here to help with your thoughts...You have found a great group of people who only want to help. Sadly, I've been here quite awhile, only recently becoming more vocal as I come out of my cucoon. It's a tough road. You can handle it. Try not to be bitter, but try to better yourself. We all know we have things about ourselves that aren't things to be proud of... work on yourself....you'll feel better and the W may look at you in a different light. I'll be praying for you.<P>Deb<BR>

Thanks all for your concern and your posts. Although the advice I have been given has proven to not work with a WS who doesn't talk, you at least validate for me that I am doing some of the right things.<P>So far, she still hasn't broken off her EA with OM. She still makes phone calls from her cell phone, thinking that I won't know.<P>Just like all of the other posts in here, she is acting exactly the same as all of the other WS's. She lies through her teeth, makes up more lies to cover up the first ones. She tells me that I am too controlling and that I won't allow her to have any friends. Everything it seems is my fault.<P>I have good days and bad days, but mostly end up all bad. Our working hours don't permit us to talk like we should be, so I have to resort to leaving her e-mails, or writing her letters.<P>The bad days usually begin when I have to go to the bed that she had this boy in. Images of her with someone almost half her age in my bedroom, while my kid was still at home keep entering my head :mad. How can I forgive her for doing something so damaging and so hurtful to me? I am gritting my teeth right now with those thoughts running through my head.<P>I don't know how long I can keep on loving someone who could do something like this to me.<P>We have two children right now, one married and pregnant, the other just turned into a teenager. I asked her if it were just because of them that she was sticking around, and she simply answered that she didn't know. She claims that she still loves me, even though not as much as a few years ago. She says that she lost some love because I lost trust for her. How can someone still have trust in a dishonest person?!?!<P>I took someone else's advice from a post I read a couple of weeks ago. They said to write a fictional affair that you have had and give it to her. Don't let her know that it is fiction until she asks about it, but when she does, let her know that you just wanted her to see what kind of hurt she is putting on you. I don't know if that was the right thing to do, but I also don't know if she has even been reading the other letters that I have been writing.<P>Keep posting people and thanks...your advice makes me feel much better.<P>Pops