I am having a most difficult time getting the images of him and her out of my head. Its been since July that she had her A, but the problem is, I have to work with OM. He was a friend and co-worker who turned on me. <BR>The difficulty is seeing him, day in and day out, it only reminds me of what they have done. I know I have done my own share of damage through my A, but that doesn't change the pain and difficulty that I am having.<BR>Any advice from BS's out there...things that you do to try and get rid of those thoughts? It seems they creep up in the most in-opportune times, during a church service, or while I'm working out. Plus, anything can trigger it, there is never any rhyme or reason...just BLAM!<BR>I know I can't bring it up to my W every time they pop-up...is it just going to take time, do they ever stop this way....and if I am seeing things that I didn't even witness, is she thinking about them that much too?<BR>HELP? I feel desperation setting in.<BR>

All I can say is that they will diminish in time, but that doesn't help the hurt and pain you are going through now.<BR>It has been over a year since my H's A ended and even the other night, we were making love and I had a thought of how passionate he must have been with her. Strangely it didn't bother me, I just transfered the thoughts to how passionate he was being with ME at that moment. I know I couldn't have thought this way a year ago though.<P>You have the added challenge of seeing OM on a regular basis which instantly gets the triggers going. I would tell your wife how difficult you are finding it and share your thoughts and pain with her (in a non LB'ing way of course).Do you feel comfortable asking her for some help in dealing with your feelings? She may be able to reassure you and help you. <P>I hope this helps.

Thank you for your post, I know its going to take time.<BR>Really that is all I have. <BR>Its just extremely difficult to go through this time.<BR>I do know that in what I did, I caused this same hurt, but it doesn't make it any less.<BR>

I had to come up with something else that I thought of...my kids...happier times...and WHENEVER my mind goes there I think of that...<P>now, it happens almost automatically...think of H and OW...mind goes to kids...<P>It isn't easy...but you can do it.<P>Cali

i find the images very hard to deal with as well. And they do come up at the strangest of times and when you least expect to think of this things. Though I am far from getting past them, I thought that I would share with you how I am currently dealing with them.<P>I try my absolute best not to allow my mind to think up these images. I am lucky that I have never seen the OW but I do have images of my H with OW and I have given a face of my own to her. I can't imagine your difficulty in seeing this other person on a daily basis. However, when I do have the images in my mind I actually shake my head to get the images out. I, like Cali try to think of something else, like that fact that he is here with me right now or think of something fun/happy we did together before....it is so hard and I hope you find the strength to deal with this.<P>I understand that it isn't easy....I pray for the strength to deal with this each day and hope that you will too.

I am somewhat in the same tortuous place you are. Although I do not have to see the man and never even knew him before I confronted him after the A was anonymously disclosed. The only thing that helps me is the strength I get from God. I am convinced that my walk with Christ was not what it should be and God has allowed this to happen to break me to fully rely on him. My only happiness come in moments where I remind myself I have surrendered this to the Lord and his word tells me all things work for good to them who trust him. A verse the Lord has given to me this week is Genesis 50:20 You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.<P>When we fully rely on God we are ok. The problem I know you are having, as I am also in the same struggle, is that it is easier said then done. My d-day was 05/07/01 and I fluctuate between being in love with my wife and feeling sorry I allowed her to hurt to the point of allowing another man in to absolutely hating her and the sight and thought of her makes me sick. <P>I’m sorry for sharing that last sentence. God will see us through this if we allow him to. I just want to share with you that I feel the same pain and completely know what you are tortured with.<P>Good luck and God bless.<P>Love,Peace,Hope<BR><p>[This message has been edited by need2know (edited September 14, 2001).]

N2K, <BR>Actually it helps me a bit, because I do know that she feels very much like you sometimes...referring to your last statement. Remember I was the WS first. It ultimately was why she moved away, and was coming back from another state to get her stuff and file for a D. It was while she was back that her PA happened, she had fallen into EA weeks earlier. <BR>I guess I am constantly hoping that the little movies that play inside my brain will eventually get less frequent. That it won't so quickly come to mind. <BR>She and I are living under the same roof again, seperate rooms...sometimes when I go to sleep it really gets bad...I have to pray myself to sleep, calling on Jesus in every breath until I just drift off. That seems to be my only fix for the problem and even then its temporary...but its something right?<BR>

I was wondering if you at anyway LB because of what you see in your mind when these times come. Do you treat her differently or say mean or sarcastic things to your W because of these thoughts. Do you act on your resentment?<P>I to have thoughts of my H with the 30+ different women he had PAs with throughout our 10 year marriage, last one I know of 1 year ago. My H also has these thoughts of me with the OM I had an A with 2 years ago. We have alot more than just A's to resent each other about, but the A's are the main culprits.<P>I don't have the thoughts much, but when I do it is usually just when I am alone. I never ask him about details. I write in a journal, or express my anger on a piece of paper and then burn it, or find something to keep me busy. I even punch on my bed or just go for a drive or walk. My H has them whenever and EVERYDAY. He then starts to ask me questions that I feel are disrespectful and humiliating, sometimes down right degrading. Then no matter how I answer them, he finds away to use it against me a week or month later. He just can't seem to put it behind him nor keep from LBing. It is affecting our sex life as well as our marriage in its entirety. We even argue about how we handle them. It is causing me to resent him more. It is not helping his Love Bank.<P>I know it takes time, but I suggest that you not use these thoughts to LB with or LB when you do have them. It will do more damage then you think. Write your feelings down in a journal or vent on MB. Don't use the thoughts to sabatage your recovery if you are choosing to make your marriage work. You won't be able to move on until you let them go. To hold on to these thoughts means you may be holding on to them for a reason. Figure out what that may be. <P>I hope you can find a way to put those thoughts behind you. Just focus on the good things that are happening, write down what you are feeling, and come to MB to vent. It helps. Let go of the resentment by all means. It benefits neither you or your W. Goodluck. Take care.<P>Clouds

Clouds, <BR>I certainly don't use these thoughts against my wife.<BR>I know that would not be productive at all. Mostly I write down my thoughts in a journal or pray. I also don't believe they are arising because of resentment. I am not in anyway resentful of my W, I have even forgiven the OM and don't have any bitterness towards him. It is forgiven, I want no reprisal or revenge. My question was how others deal with the images that come into your mind. Certainly harboring that type of thing as ammo against my W would be not only destructive, but completely go against what it is I am trying to do here. I want to rebuild my marriage not tear it down lower than it already is.

<BR>INTHECLOUDS320,<P>You seem to give good advise here on letting go. My problem is that although my W wants to stay married and says she wants to recover, she does nothing. She bearly speaks when we have gone to counsoling, she has not filled out any of the question forms from this site I printed and gave her. I posted a question a coupe of days ago and have not really gotten much response. Maybe you would have some insight.<P>In a book on recovery I am reading it suggest you the BS may need to try getting your WS to really understand the pain you feel. It suggest developing a story that has you having an affair with a good/best friend of theirs. It suggest you be very realistic and graphic in communicating this story. I wonder what you think of this.

I'm probably not a good one to offer advice right now. My divorce hearing was today. I simply could never get those images out of my mind. Since she never asked my forgiveness, I could only assume that she just didn't care. I'm sure your wife's reluctance to talk in your therapy sessions comes accross the same way.<P>Ultimately, I had to file for divorce. If they're not willing to make the effort, I don't think there is any other alternative.

The images have mostly gone away for me. D-day was May 29. They drove me crazy for a while.. at night. first thing in the morning... all day.... anytime anywhere..... They just popped in my head and I would feel sick to my stomach - achey all over. ick....<P>I wrote in a journal, prayed, cried, and pushed the thoughts away and replaced them with something good best I could. it's jsut gradually gotten better. Forgiving my H, and reminding myself that he made a mistake - just like we all can do - helps as well. I'm thinking.... as I type.... ummmm.... I guess, ultimately... praying or listening to christian music is really what helped the most in trying to stop thinking about those images. I can't listen to pop music since d-day. too many triggers and all the songs are about love, sex, cheating, lonliness, etc.... hehe....

mental pictures.. you can't.. They were so bad with me.. that I even had to stop self service.. because the mental pictures would creep in and I'd think about them while I was in the middle of self service.. sounds sick huh..? makes you feel like a dirty pervert.. so I just had to stop self service altogether..now its 3 - 4 months between self service.. and it t'would be longer.. but hey.. <P>You can't get ride of those pictures.. they'll pop in your mind.. when you and her are together for a while after she's home to... <P>Not much help.. just validation.. I have the same issues..<P>------------------<BR>Semper Fi,<P><B>Husband2You</B><BR>«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»<BR><I>···In the valley of the blind the one eye'd man is King···</I><P>· E-mail: <B> husband2you@petroleum.org </B> · ICQ: <B><A HREF="http://wwp.icq.com/1206499" TARGET=_blank>1206499</A></B> · Formerly: <B>E m p t y</B> ·

Thank you all for the advice...<BR>It all rings with a similar tone and that is time, prayer, writing down the feelings in a journal and from Faith1, listening to Christian Music...I do!<BR>I find the images sometimes lessen, I'm sure they might always creep up in small ways, but Christ is faithful and I know He will be my greatest help.<BR>Thanks to all for the info and if you have anything else anyone at all, please feel free.<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by need2know:<BR><B><BR>INTHECLOUDS320,<P>You seem to give good advise here on letting go. My problem is that although my W wants to stay married and says she wants to recover, she does nothing. She bearly speaks when we have gone to counsoling, she has not filled out any of the question forms from this site I printed and gave her. I posted a question a coupe of days ago and have not really gotten much response. Maybe you would have some insight.<P>In a book on recovery I am reading it suggest you the BS may need to try getting your WS to really understand the pain you feel. It suggest developing a story that has you having an affair with a good/best friend of theirs. It suggest you be very realistic and graphic in communicating this story. I wonder what you think of this.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>N2K,<BR>My H is the same way. He will not so much as come near the computer when I am on the MB site. I printed almost everything up and tried to read them to him a little at a time so as not to overwhelm him. I also had to pick a good time and day. I didn't want him to tell me he was tired or he had something he had to do. <P>Eventually, I just gave him the print outs and suggested when he had time to read over them. It worked! He took them to work and during lunch or when he was between meetings and paperwork, he actually read them. Some of his co-workers noticed what he was reading and asked if they could make copies to take home to their spouses.<P>It wasn't until I backed off that he responded. I don't think...well, I know we can't force them to do things they are not ready to do. I have come to realize by experience that actions speak louder than words. It is not positive, but I don't take my H's word for anything. I can't now because we are still in the beginning trusting stages. So, basically, I just lay what I have to say out there and roll the ball onto his court. I just let it go until my next quest <P>I think the book had a good idea about how to make the WS see how you feel. Try it. Just pick a good day and time to talk about it with her. I asked him his opinion on a few things. I would tell him something and then just ask him what he thought. I really listened to him and he responded. <P>When I came to MB and read about Plan A and B, my plan was drawn out for me. The more I read and understood, the easier it got for me to handle his reaction to things. I have really accepted that he and I are different in everyway. I realized that I cannot control him, but I can control me. Then I felt comfortable with my part in trying to make the marriage work. I can only take responsibility for my part. His part is his responsibility if he chooses to accept it. I voiced this to him and washed my hands of it. It's a gamble, I know, but I am strong enough to handle the outcome whether it be good or bad. <P>Whatever you choose to do, it won't happen over night, N2K. I had to put all my focus on helping myself before I could think about an us. I am still working on it, but I feel good about me again. My H has his own things to fix and I can't help him with it. I have to grit my teeth sometimes, but that is just how it has to be. Atleast I will feel good, at the end of the day, about what I have done to try to make this marriage work. <P>Either way things go, I know I will be okay. So, don't push things so much. I know you are excited about the help and you really believe in it, but you cannot force her to act or think as you do. You can only tell her how you feel or what you are thinking. Same goes in counseling sessions. Has your W thought of doing solo counseling sessions? Look into that. <P>I hope you are getting what I am trying to say although I blabbed alot Remember Plan A through it all. It helped me to become my H's friend to understand him. All of this is hard and we are all on a long and hard road, but in loving ourselves and others as God loves us, we will come out okay. So, like you said, you must REALLY leave it in His hands. Are you? I believe that until we feel good about ourselves and have faith in everyway, we won't be able to do that. <P>So stick with what you are doing, continue to TRULY trust in God, keep posting here, Plan-A*Plan-A*Plan-A, have no fear, and have patience.<P>Hang in there!<BR>Clouds<P> <P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by MissingHer:<BR><B>Clouds, <BR>I certainly don't use these thoughts against my wife.<BR>I know that would not be productive at all. Mostly I write down my thoughts in a journal or pray. I also don't believe they are arising because of resentment. I am not in anyway resentful of my W, I have even forgiven the OM and don't have any bitterness towards him. It is forgiven, I want no reprisal or revenge. My question was how others deal with the images that come into your mind. Certainly harboring that type of thing as ammo against my W would be not only destructive, but completely go against what it is I am trying to do here. I want to rebuild my marriage not tear it down lower than it already is. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I am glad. I was just asking cause I know my H does sometimes. I just needed to know that you weren't and to express to others that are, how I feel about it. Also to know some of the consequences, which are, as you said, destructive and do lower the marriage more than it already is. You answered my question. I wish my H had your good sense.<P>The fact that these thoughts don't hinder you or your W in anyway amazes me? I am wondering what it is going to take for my H to get there? To forgive the OM, well, that amazes even more. Kudos to you for that. Your W is a lucky woman. <P>I pray you are finding your way,<BR>Clouds <P>

Thank you Clouds, <P> I wish my W thought that she was a lucky woman...<BR>She doesn't see much hope right now for us, constantly talks about what is wrong with this relationship as opposed to seeing the possiblities of what is right. <BR> She asks me constantly, "What are you going to do if we don't work out?", she honestly believes that I should have an answer to that question. I ask her, "What are you going to do if we DO work out?". She just looks at me kinda puzzled and wants to know what kind of question is that. "If it works out, it works out".<BR> I just know that the images that pop into my head at times, don't help any, in fact they hurt, but I am starting to understand that they are indeed part of the healing process. The choice I have in there return to me, is...NOT to dwell on them. They hurt, but can be stopped and put into the proper perspective. And they can be a trigger for strength, in other words, when those images pop into my head, I find myself turning to God and praying. This is a good thing. <BR> Its really amazing how much a person can learn from the trauma of life lessons. God is doing some serious surgery here. I welcome it!<BR>

What a coincidence. I'm here at work and I just had mental images pop in my head. Had to leave for a short time as I felt so sick to my stomach. I was logging on to ask the very same question!! <P>I know and understand that these images we have are a part of the healing. But boy it doesn't make it any easier does it??<P>I agree the images pop at the strangest of times and I seem to have a different reaction each time--sickness, anger, or sadness. I haven't had images while having S#X thank God and I hope that never happens. What I find confusing is that for some reason I seem to enjoy IT more now than I did before. You'd think it would be the opposite. <P>I also try to divert my mind to something else. Kids things I need to get done. Sometimes it helps sometimes it doesn't. I like all the advice about God--I am starting to head back to the church and I'm sure that will definately help. <P>Take care and good luck. One day at a time!!

Well, they do fade over time...and i\I know when they are there it is sickening.<P>I would be driving to pick my kids up, and WHAM, it would hit me...I DID have pictures during sex, and nearly every other significant time in our relationship. I was thinking to myself, what if he was with her now, would he do the same, say the same, did he touch her hair like that??? All that stuff.<P>I also got images because he would say stuff to me, like my hair was so soft, or my skin...what, her's wasn't? Even the positives were turned into negatives in my mind.<P>Then one day I was driving along in a really good mood and a whammy hit me. Boy I was SO angry...and I thought to myself...I WILL not let that ruin my day. I WILL NOT!!!<P>And somehow, every time after that it was easier to tell myself that, and it got better.<P>Well, that's how I handled it last time. Now I'm dealing with it again .<BR>

I am learning that this is a common thing that anyone who has been betrayed by an affair has to deal with.<BR>As both a WS and BS I know that I caused that pain, and now I am dealing with it from the other side. Certainly hurts bad enough to know just why you shouldn't have an A in the first place. And that is just one part of it...But I have found that it takes that constant decision to forgive every single day. I wake up and forgive...the thoughts come and I forgive, its a choice. I love my Wife more than anything and so I choose to forgive her. Besides its a measuring stick. By not forgiving you are choosing to dig into the blood of Jesus, the same blood that covers that sin and say, you know what, he may have died for this sin, but its not enough...the pain you caused is too great. Certainly it can keep you from the decision to go forward in the healing process. Stop you from trying to work on your marriage. Reading the other night I found something that was interesting. It talked about waking up every morning and feeling a grey tint over everything, few thoughts that are good, believing you will never come out of this unhappy place...that in essence, those thoughts remain as long as you choose. A decision to completely forgive and move on, every day are what make them disappear. Not that you will forget, but that you are choosing the begin life again.<BR>