Hello good people,<P>I've lurked here since I found out my H was having a long<BR>term EA/PA with a coworker of his. D-day was 7/14. When I<BR>confronted him with it, he ended it the same day (or so he<BR>says). We've been trying to work on things and have seen a<BR>counselor together, but he's very reluctant to make any sort of commitment to working on our marriage.<P>I've read lots of the information here and have even read a couple of the Harley books. I'm trying to do a good Plan A.<P>Here's my problem. He used email, pager, and cell phone to<BR>lead his double life (don't they all?). He has caught me snooping on his computer a couple of times and has reacted with indignation that I was invading his privacy. I know for certain that he has an email account that he's not telling me about. I have this nagging feeling that he's still in contact with her. I don't have any real evidence, just a feeling. This is really nagging at me and I don't know what I should do.<P>a) Just try not to worry about and trust him (I've been burned by this already).<P>b) Ask him about the email in a non-confrontational way (if there was something to hide there, he'd most likely lie).<P>c) Hire a private investigator (expensive, and hell to pay if he finds out).<P>d) Put monitoring software on his computer (he's pretty sharp though, and might pick up on this).<P>e) Just assume that there might be something going on, but keep going with Plan A (this would be really hard, and I don't want to waste any more time with him if he's still in contact with her - she can have him).<P>So there's my dilemma. I really feel the need to know, but trying to find out could backfire. I know other people have suffered this sort of crisis - what would you do?<P>suspicious

I'd go for D personally.<P>No point in confronting if you'd just get lied to....

Sorry you're having to go through this too. My H has continued contact since coming home on 7/6. I keep finding out through my own investigations. He has never come to me with the truth. I have found that when he gets angry about my suspicions, it's because contact is continuing. I am getting towards the end, and I'm so sad today. I told a friend I feel like jello. My H and I were actually making progress this last couple of weeks, or so I thought. Then yesterday, I find out AGAIN that contact is continuing. I'm starting to think this is going to be much too hard to overcome. I had counseling this a.m. on my own, and my H has his this p.m. The counselor won't tell me what to do, but did say that he feels (based on my H's behavior) that he is acting without concience and may be a pathological liar. That was heartwarming news (NOT). H continues to tell me that loves me and can't understand why he can't end all contact with OW. He maintains he knows what he wants (me and his family) and that he has no future with OW. He even mentioned wanting to keep OW as a friend last night. I said that was fine, but then we would not stay married. He's tearing me up, and can't seem to stop himself. I'm getting so tired. The gist of this is, if you are suspicious, it is more than likely that contact is still continuing. Do you feel that you can continue Plan A? I feel like there's nothing more I can do for my H, but to have him leave home again to sort things out. It's become too painful for me. You will know when you get to that point. My prayers go out to you.<P>MOM

suspicious1,<P>So sorry to hear of your dilemma. I understand how you must be feeling right now. How long have you been married and are there kids involved? My first thought is to follow through with plan A asap. and talk to your counsler about your suspicions. When I had thoughs feelings (I am the BS also) I had to get it out in the open. <P>Good luck and keep posting, it really helps to vent here. <P>SH

9 times out of 10 our suspicions are usually right. I am so sorry for this whole deal. <P>Through my experience, the contact is usually not ended immediately. If there was an EA and PA, I know the contact probably did not end. Asking your H will not help cause you know he will not tell you.<P>As far as privacy goes, he should strike that word from his vocabulary. This is a time for rebuilding trust and having privacy or demanding it is NOT going to do that. As far as a commitment on working on the marriage, if he is not promising you anything or committing to it, then he has given his answer to your contact question. <P>My H could not commit to working on the marriage cause in doing that he would have to cut all contact with the OW who was that particular flavor at the time. In doing that would cut his "backup" relationship out the picture in case his marriage did not work out. He was determined to keep this person as "a friend". Not happenin in my book. Either keep her as a friend or lose me as a wife. <P>If he is keeping a e-mail account from you, then you know what's up. My H kept up his contact through E-mail after we moved away. I got passwords to all his e-mail accounts at the time through spyware. That is how I found out about the affair and the continued contact. The story goes on, but I know everyone's situation is different. Your H may have ended the contact and I don't want to give you anymore grim thoughts.<P>Do the homework and research. Get the proof before you get anymore in too deep emotionally on the suspicions. You don't want to be wrong in all your assumptions. You want the proof that he can see so he can't deny a thing. Then you take it from there, but Plan-A in the meantime.<P>Take care,<BR>Clouds

Lexxxy,<BR>Did you mean option d (the monitoring software), or the big D?<P>stillhurts,<BR>We've been married 12 years and have two kids 6 & 9.<P>myownme,<BR>I've followed your story, and I really feel for you. In fact, seeing so many people talk about continued contact is one of the things that made me really start to worry in the first place.<P>I really really hate being so paranoid, and feeling like I can't trust the man that I've shared so much of my life with. Why is his privacy more important than my sanity?<P>s

suspicious1,<P>I just want to tell you something.....<P>You are going through the hardest thing you have ever experienced in your life. Am I right? Thats exactly what it felt like to me. Let me assure you that there is hope. Don't give up too soon, because I am here to tell you that with hard work and I mean HARD work, you can possably turn this nightmare into a loving, happy, safe marriage that will give you and your children a safe and loving houshold that will last the rest of your life. <BR>The last thing you would want to do is find yourself divorced with two young children wondering if you did not do EVERYTHING possable to save this marriage of 12 years, all those memories and good times. Think about it real hard. <BR>I have been through what you are going through right now and I am here to tell you that after 14 months of pain, suffering, buckets full of tears, thoughts of suicide, murder and pure dispare, I have survived! And I feel better now than I have felt in many years. <BR>So please don't give up too soon. Fight for your marriage! Keep trying and learning all that you can to make this marriage better than it ever was. Be strong for yourself and the kids. Keep posting here, I wish I would have found this site when I first found out, you are lucky to be here. You have many friends here and I want to welcome you here on behalf of all those that are here hurting just like you. I am praying for you right now!<P>Stillhurts, (but not any more!)<BR>