Hi all,<P>I've been living at home for a good solid month, before that it was kind of off-and-on with no real framework of a separation. I have been having a tough time at home, my wife and I are back in counselling, and I am trying hard to work on my marriage, but I feel I need a change-- things are not going exactly 'greatly'.<P>I feel frustrated a lot because my emotions are mixed after ending the affair, I am finding it very difficult to be emotional or affectionate to my wife, I am not doing things I used to enjoy doing, and she is getting tired of me being so up-and-down and behaving like a room-mate. I basically do feel like a room-mate, and it feels wrong.<P>Should I move out of my house for a while so I can recuperate myself? Get my goals and willpower back on track? I have been super-stressed at work lately, our daughter is stressing me out (and making me happy- mind you), I find it difficult to focus on things... I feel like I need a break! I think my wife would agree, she has suggested I was not ready to move back in. I think I'd get a month-to-month apartment close to work if I do it.<P>If I move out, should we actually get a legal separation? Or just write something down ourselves? My original problem when I moved out was that she continually called me and begged me to come home until I felt too guilty to stay away. I don't want that to happen again, I want my attitude to change so that I'm the one who wants to come back. I'm willing to stay in single or couple counselling while I'm on my own.<P>How long is a good healthy break? a month? 3? What experiences do you have? Should I not move out at all? I don't feel a separation means divorce is the outcome... but I'm afraid my wife feels that is what I think.<P>Any suggestions, anyone?<P>-Venizio

Hi venizio,<P>I'm sorry things are not going well for you now that you are back at home again. You stated that you went home because your wife begged you to come home and not because you really wanted to go home, daughter is getting on your nerves... If you leave again, what makes you think things will be any different if/when you decide to return? You are the one who is not happy. Are you still in love with OW, perhaps? What would it take for you to be happy? What about some personal counseling, just for yourself? I have heard others out here say that individual counseling besides marriage counseling has helped them greatly?<P>My humble opinion? Don't quit. Don't run away just because things aren't going your way. You can change your attitude by changing the way you think. You can change the way you think by changing the way you see things. Can you see some valuable qualities about your wife that are worth focusing on?<P>You said you are finding it difficult to be affectionate toward her? Harley has a funny and interesting letter where he spells out exactly how to build affection and while it may feel forced at first, it is a way to develop new habits. That is, if you WANT to. Sounds like all the balls are in your court. Read on:<P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5010_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>How to Meet the Need for Affection</A>

Venzio, <BR> Bin gave great advice. How long has it been since the A ended? It takes a while for you to get your mind back. Your daughter gets on your nerves because you were in a fantasy and this is reality.<BR> You are lucky, the OW only saw the best of you, your wife has seen the worst of you and still loves you.<BR> The feelings will come back but not without work. Set a time limit in your mind to try to work on marriage. Give it your best at HOME. Read the principles here, print of emotional needs questionnaire and take it with your wife, this will get you started on the right path.<BR>Good Luck

Venizio, <P>I think I know where you are now. I am the BS, but reading your post, I recognise many of what my H told me about his feelings. One month is very short time, so please be patient with yourself, but also with your W, you all had tough time, it can't be fixed in one day. <P>Unfortunately, I still can't say we're in recovery, although he's home after 7 months of separation, and it's been 7 months since he turned back home. But, that's a different story, and mainly has a lot to do with him working with OW and her being ill (cancer). If it helps, our first month of reconciliation was walking on egg shells, and it still is, to some extent. <P>However, what H told me, and seems it played a big role in making his mind, is that I let go, allowing him to have time on his own, just showing him I'm there and still care for him, but I almost never initiated contact. I had my life to live and my problems to cope with. Time we spent together then was quality time, we both enjoyed. <P>It seems to me you want to work on your marriage. It takes time, and is not easy. But if there is commitment and good will on both sides, it can be done. Separation is not neccesarily a bad choice, nor it automatically leads to divorce, but try to think is it really what you need. <P>Maybe it would help if you tell your W you need time to be alone with yourself, and then take some more time away, but alone, and do things you feel that can help you regain your inner peace. I believe if you say it honestly, in open talk, and if she knows it has nothing to do with her, she will understand. Most of all, BS need to feel you're honest, and sincerely trying to work on marriage. <P>My H said it helped him to go walking, reading, having more time for his hobby (airplane maquettes)- alone. It was ok for me as long as I knew he takes that time for himself and not for being with OW. Step by step he started to spend more time with me and D, participate more in family activities. But, on his own pace, it took months, also for restoring some of affection feelings, and I can understand it. I'm sure you W will too, if you tell her what you need in loving way. <P>Two days ago mthrbard posted a thread at GQII titled "2 years later-words from the mouth of my recovered WH". Please read it, it may give you some insight, too. <P>Keep posting, we're all here to support each other. <P><BR>Good luck,<BR>Adrian<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Adrian (edited September 15, 2001).]

And on that note I'll tell you the first thing that struck me about your post. As a health professional,as someone who has suffered depression myself and having a H who was also depressed, I think you have a touch of depression going on here.<P>Depression often manifests itself in men ( and in women too)differently than what we typically think of. When you say you no longer do the things you enjoyed, your emotions are mixed, you are finding work and family very stressful, it's difficult to focus, these are all signs and symptoms of depression. <P>I had been telling my H for years that I thought he was depressed but he would never admit it. His view of depressed was mopey and tearful and unable to function. While those are symptoms of depression as well, most don't get to that point for a long time or unless they have experienced a huge trauma and haven't had the coping skills to recover from such. My H's depression manifested itself in the ways I see you listed. Primarily he was aggitated, everything bothered him,it made him short tempered and mean, he was like Jekyl and Hyde, I never knew which one would be coming through the door at night. He felt bad about being so "out of sorts", it was like he couldn't control it and you know what, he couldn't.<P>Shortly after d-day I was put on anti-deps (prozac) and it made me feel quite anxious. I switched to paxil, something I had had success with in the past and encourage my H to take the prozac to see if it would help him. He had tried St. John's Wort( an herbal treatment) but couldn't remember to take it 3 times a day, but admitted that it made him feel more emotionally "even". So he consented to try the Prozac. Three days later he excitedly told me how much better he was feeling ( prozac usually takes up to 3 weeks to kick in),in a week he was feeling so much better that he admitted to me that he had been depressed for 3-4 YEARS! The meds made a huge difference for my H. He was relieved to discover that it wasn't just that he was emotionally screwed up ( his words) there was an actual chemical reason for how he had been feeling. He didn't like the side effects of the Prozac either and went off the med after about a month. He was able to maintain his improved mental outlook out of sheer willpower not to take meds and also due to the realization that there had been an actual reason for him feeling so terrible. He's one who has awesome willpower and motivation when he wants to obtain something. He had obtained a new view on things. The short course of meds had been just enough to lift the blanket of depression and he was bound and determined to stay there on his own. He countinued in individual counseling and was able to stay away from meds.<P>As a nurse, I doubt many people would have this experience in such a short time as it is definitely not typical or the norm, or even expected. My H has now been known to advocate for meds to some of the men he works with who have come to him complaining about feeling the same way he did. He is convinced the meds helped him immensely.<P>I think you're a bit depressed. I know most folks want to stay away from meds if possible, but it may just be the thing to give you and your marriage the boost it needs to get past this hump and on the way to a healthy, strong recovery. Good luck to you.