I don't know why exactly. The appointment went fairly well. Of course, we ran out of time, and we are supposed to go back next week, but just something really, really upset me...<P>H and I didn't talk about no contact letter this morning. H was just in SUCH a foul mood (no sleep), I didn't even bring it up. Not a good time.<P>After the appt. my H tried holding my hand and wanted to do this and that with me. I just totally wanted away from him. I did not LB, but I just left asap and went to work. He even had the audacity to want sex, and I was just so turned off by everything it really pushed my buttons. I just said, no thanks and went about my business...<P>I think I am upset because H is wearing himself down and just doesn't have time for me, marriagebuilding, or the kids. And when he does have time he is so tired, or out of it, we can't seriously discuss anything... Or when we do, he forgets half of it because he is only semi-conscious.<P>I guess the thing that aggravated me the most about counseling was because my H says he just doesn't feel anything when I cry. He feels no remorse, no empathy or sympathy towards me at all. I am so upset, bearing myself to all, and my H doesn't even care. It just makes me so mad. We are getting to the root of that in counseling, but for now, aaahhh!!<P>I don't even feel like going out with H this weekend or spending any time with him right now. I am just so resentful and upset at him.<P>Of course, he says that he wants to work on the marriage, but then changes his mind slightly when I told the counselor I wasn't sure what I wanted. Now he says, he only wants it if I can prove that I will not be controlling anymore. Screw him. I didn't go have an affair and consciously do something that would kill him inside. For him to compare the two just pis*es me off royally. Yeah, okay, so it made him upset and not want to be married. Fine, but that doesn't mean it's okay for him to go have an affair because he's feeling like sh*t about himself and his marriage.<P>The other thing is when the counselor starts talking about the kids and how they are handling it, I tell the truth about what the kids are going through. My H hasn't heard this before, and immediately comes back with, oh, the reason I didn't see them for a month was because SHE wouldn't let me. AAAHHH!! not true, not true, not true, it's just him trying to justify his behavior in his head and making himself feel less guilty for the hel* the kids are going through. I'm sure that the C will see how obvious this is next time when we discuss this.<P>So, I am just so upset today. The C said it is good that we are seperated and can work on ourselves for now and that we shouldn't commit to anything yet. Which sucks, because there goes the whole "no contact" letter and H trying to meet my needs. I feel like I'm stuck back 3-4 weeks and need to wait for the C to catch up before we move ahead from here.<P>I am supposed to make a list of the 3 things I would like to get out of MC for the next visit. I was thinking:<BR>-Plan for marital recovery<BR>-EN / LB list (done in the context of the MC session, not MB necessarily)<BR>-Extraordinary precautions including no contact letter<P>Sigh. I'm sure I will feel better later. For now I am just trying to avoid my H so I don't LB, cry, or bring up the letter.<P>HbH

<BR>HbH...this occurred with my H and myself and I remember posting about it...someone put up this link to the Three States of Mind in Marriage...it might help you explain what is happening with you and your H.<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3600_state.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3600_state.html</A> <P>I really think that WS keep distance because they know they have hurt us and to acknowledge our tears and our pain is just too painful for them...it is a defense mechanism...in time your H may be able to comfort you...<P>Cali<P>------------------<BR><I>Live Impeccably In Your Word.<BR>Don't Take Anything Personally.<BR>Make No Assumptions.<BR>Do Your Best Always. </I>

Thank you Cali. It is just so hard to hear the counselor say:<P>"Your H sees you crying, yet he says he feels neutral, it doesn't affect him, he feels nothing. How does that make YOU feel inside."<P>It makes me feel like sh*t. It makes me confused, because I know if I were home and that upset, my H would hold me and cuddle me, and just help me get through it, as he has many times these past few weeks.<P>So why does he tell the C he feels nothing, when his actions as home say otherwise? Am I some sort of charity case? <P>Thanks for the link Cali. I am in my own little place in the marriage right now, and it's not a very good place. That's why I need to stay away from my H right now before I do/say something I will regret...<P>I feel like running again and forgetting the whole rebuilding thing. Tell my H to go screw himself, go find OW, and go make his cruel indulgence worth the pain. It will get better though, the thoughts will pass, I just just have to stay calm, and stay away from H for a while... <P>Think, read, post, realize.<P>HbH

Hi Cali. Just got through reading the link.<P>Guess I am trying to enter the state of withdrawal, probably not a good idea, huh?<P>I will try to keep my time away minimal, just enough to think and cool off so I don't LB (that was what my suggestion to you was a while back - y'no not taking his crap and getting away until you could cool off - guess I should heed my own advice). Got to make myself come back now (can't stay in withdrawal forever), I am feeling a little better now that I could vent here.<P>My H left a message and I just wanted to blow him off, but I decided to call back and just say I got his message and sorry that I feel the need to be so distant right now. <P>HbH

STOP IT.<P>Geeez will you just calm yourself? You are overanalyzing again HbH.<P>You take whatever he says and interpret it your own way. And for some goofy reason its in a way that will hurt yourself.<P>You take one thing from counseling -- that he feels nothing when you cry. Well how often do you cry? Is it everyday? That would be exhausting for a WS. Could it be that the tremendous guilt he feels for always being the reason has caused him to shut down? Maybe he just can't take so much and its a defense mechanism for himself. Be open minded would you? Does it have to be disaster?<P>Anything good happen? What happened to the HbH who was looking at all the good?????<P>Good things are happening. The letters getting written (course you only found the bad in that too). He's going to counseling. You have a fun weekend planned.<P>Get your positive outlook back.<P>

Thanks Lexxy. I'm trying. I don't know why it struck such a chord in me this morning... I just knew I had to get away from H before I LB'd.<P>No, I do not cry everyday. In fact, I hardly cry at all anymore when H is around. Just when the anxiety attacks hit. Last Thursday was the last time, if I remember correctly...<P>I guess maybe you had to be there to fully understand. My H was telling the counselor how he had grown to feel nothing when I am upset or he has hurt me. Like it didn't happen, I was making it up or something... (this is over years of him hurting me, not from the affair). We are trying to get at the root of it, but didn't figure it out in this session.<P>It just really pushed my buttons, y'no? I needed to come here and calm down and above all, stay away from my H, especially when he was obviously not upset at all and was just trying to spend time with me... <P>I know that is what I needed to do (thanks for the acknowledgement), that is why I came here to cool off. Otherwise, I probably would still be PO'd, or perhaps I would have LB'd bigtime.<P>I will try to see the good now that I am more calm.<BR>HbH<P>

Glad you're calmer.....this is the place for it.<P>Get back to deposit mode. Have a nice relaxing weekend. And spend some quality time with H.<P>