Hi,<P>This is not a new problem to me but it has come to a head, since I am the one with the kids, alone, so I have to deal with this I guess.<P>Today, we met with the inlaws/grandparents. They brought presents. My son was given a computer game, good quality one; my youngest daughter was given a teddy bear which plays songs, and my middle daughter received a Teletubbies jigsaw that I saw today in the supermarket for $3.95. <P>This is just not fair, and I am really p****d off!. It is the MIL who is at fault, the FIL treats them all with the same love and affection and attention. <P>I was a spoiled grand-daughter, my Gran would always buy something more special for me. As I and my brothers got older we realised this, and it hurt, even me who was the spoiled one. But this is slightly different, in that she treats two of my kids better than the other one.<P>I totally object to this...my folks have strong views on this, since they had to deal with my Gran, but even they say she just will not listen, like my Gran would not listen. And my H is next to useless in this, because he is a big time conflict avoider, and when this came up when we were together, he never said a word, though agreed it wasn't fair.<P>I have considered sending unfair present packages to her...but we are in a delicate time right now, cos of the separation, which only happened a couple of months ago.<P>I need some advice on what to do before my kids get older and realise what's going on.<P>BTW I HAVE approached her in the past, her excuse THEN was that she intended buying something extra for the daughter in the future, which she never did, or that the D was too young, or that she didn't know what to buy, etc, etc. This woman is a trained kindergarten assistant....she knows what five year olds like!!!<P>Help! help! help!!! <P>

Nina..<P>In-laws need counseling.<P>I can completely understand how you feel. I had a similar situation. I asked my MIL & my own M to just give the gives gift cards or money for all the same amount. They weren't happy, but I explained that the kids grow up so fast that alot of times the "gifts" aren't age appropriate.<BR>I also explained that so many of todays gifts are electronic like game boys etc & the gift cards are great because they can save them up for the Nintendo or Play Station game they really want.<P>It seems to be working.<P>Although, as of this month my H(XWS) & I have had to set boundaries with the IL because they are destroying all our efforts to rebuild our marrige. Read my post if you're interested.<P>Good Luck<P><BR>Lisa

Nina too,<BR>I guess I don't understand. I agree that each gift should be equal. Do they always treat your middle child diffrently than the two other children? Do you know why the do if the do?<BR>Is it possible that they when they were shopping they found gifts that fit your other two, but couldn't figure out what to get your middle child?<P>I don't think sendinga gift back is right. IMO I would call her or ask her to go to launch sometime with you alone. Then tell her that your middle child feels left out, that she feels that her gifts are not as great as her sibilings. Stay calm, and maybe since you brought to her attention she will think the next time she shops.<BR>Good Luck. Sherry

louser, <P>I like the money idea...I am going to do it. It will save a lot of heartache.<P>No, KS, this has happened with MIL since the day my d was born....presents for baby? No where near what she got first child, third baby came, more than 2nd child. We have TRIED to tell her, she is so manipulating, she doesn't even hear us.<P>Time after time, at birthdays and Christmases this has happened, and I am basically sick of it.<P>Why does she do it? I have thought of a lot of maybes....she adores her son, my H. He adores middle child (MD)...jealousy???<P>She had three daughters, one son...she favoured the son...maybe she doesn't like girls? Maybe not, since she likes youngest D.<P>She sees MD as a whinger...which she is, but she is getting better, and anyway she should llove her anyway.<P>She thinks MD looks like me, which she does. Doesn't like this, maybe an instinctual thing...is this her son's child?<P>MIL just doesn't like MD. Well that's true!!!<P>FIL spoiled MD when she was born...first grand-daughter...was she jealous?<P>I dunno, really....but maybe a combination of all this.<P><BR>How can anyone not love their own grandchild?<P>

Nina too,<BR>How is relationship with her now and when you and H got married?

KS,<P>Well, she didn't like me before the birth of the heir apparent, my first baby, first boy, first grandchild. Then she seemed to change over the next couple of years. For the better.<P>But I was with H for 7 years before we married, and when we decided to live together, after two, she went ballistic...she said some really horrible things to me, for which she has, believe it or not, since apologised...blames it all on the menopause. I didn't think menopause took about 9 years to get over!!!<P>Relationship with her before we split up was really the best it has ever been. They stayed with us for a month on holiday in April, and it was great. She told me she had a lot of respect for me for keeping the family going while my H dragged us all over the world for his job. <P>So now I am back in Australia because of my situation, and of course must keep contact with them, which I want to do for the sake of the kids. FIL is devastated by this situation, and angry at his son. He did tell me that MIL has more sympathy for H. She was kind to me and all that, but I think it's natural for a mother to want to support her own. AND they don't know he had an A, just that he left and it was his choice...she MAY think I did the bad stuff...because she had told me over and over the last few years what a good wife I was to H. So she might think I have upset H enough for him to leave. She hasn't asked me why or details, but if she did, i would tell her to ask H.<P>I know my MD is starting to pick up that Nanna doesn't feel the same about her. Just about the only time MIL talks to her is when she is telling her off. And MD doesn't approach MIL for cuddles or chat either, like she does with the other grandparents.<P>So sad...I don't know what to do about this.

Hi Nina sounds like MIL is in some sort of fog also. How can she treat your MD like that and think that child will not be effected in some way. Pure ignorance. I know in my family all 3 kids are treated the same especially with my parents and even with my IL's who I'm not particularly happy with at this point. They are not supportive to me or the kids in any way about situation with H and I being separated. Usually for holidays and birthdays IL's send money and each child gets the same amount. I'm so sorry that your D has to go through this. Personally I think I would tell MIL that if she can't treat the kids the same then you would prefer that she not buy any of them gifts. Just my opinion.<BR>cybil

Thanks cybil...that's exactly what I think too. but I can easily commit a LB by doing this, both to her and my H.<P>So maybe I will just ask them not to give presents anymore, as they have enough toys already, and only give money in cards for birthdays, and Christmas, seeing as this may be the fairest option....maybe I can do this without mentioning the fact that she is unfair to MD. Believe me, if I point this out to her, she will only do it worse...I know from past experience.

Nina too,<BR> What do you mean she will only do this worse?<P>I would think that a reasonable person would want to be equal and if you brought to there attention that they would try to fix it. Boy I guess I live in a fantasy land!<BR> So your saying that if you did bring it to her attention she would be even worse to your MD?<BR>Can you tell your H that this is really hurting his MD, and see if there is something he can do.

KS,<P>Well, one thing she has never done is taken advice from others...she gets her back up and just ignores whatever what was suggested and goes ahead and does it anyway. She may not actually MAKE it worse, but she would deny she isn't being fair and justify and manuipuate the conversation to the point where I will actually feel guilty for even thinking such a thing.<P>H and I HAVE discussed this, when we were together, and while he agreed, he never actually did say anything of note to MIL, only once, when he said something about it, MIL actually said "Well D is little, she doesn't know..."<P>So I can't rely on H here because he is a big time conflict avoider and won't want to say anything hto her. He reply the last few times has been, why say anything, it won't make any difference anyway.<P>GGGGRRRRRR

Nina too,<P>Wow, this is bad. She sounds like a real pain in the butt. If I were in your shoes, I would send her a card and say if you can't be equal to all three children then please don't get them anything at all. I would perfer money or gift certifates of equal value other wise.<P>That would really frustrate me too. I too don't care to confront issue's, but I can't stand around and let it build up either. weird huh.

Yes, it is bad...I guess I have to tell her somehow...I was thinking of just asking them for money or gift vouchers, as the kids really like to pick their own presents.....this is true anyway.<P>Or, hey I know...what if I just tell her what to buy each time...ie MD would LOVE a Barbie doll this Christmas, would you like to buy it for her? (Being as specific as possible so MD doesn't end up with one of those cheaper imitations).<P>How do you think that sounds?

Nina too,<BR>That sound great. I really like that idea. How do you think she will take though.

Well, come to think of it, I have actually done it before, but she always buys something else...<P>So now I think I will buy a present a few weeks before MD's birthday or Christmas, then ask her give it and to pay me for it...and then she won't have to worry about shopping or sending it in the post, etcetc. What about that idea? I think she would go for it, but would probably be a tad suspicious of my motives. But I think it will get the message across.<P>Dang! Number 13 poster AGAIN!!! Next I'll break a mirror.

Sounds funny. But if you think it will work then I would try it. <P>What's wrong with the # 13? In numerology it is a 4, and that is a decent #. My lucky # is 3.

Do you know that the Chinese abhor number four? they won't buy a car with four on the number plate, and they won't buy a house numbered four either...at least that's what my dad tells me, who sells cars. Something to do with that fung shui stuff.<P>What sounds funny? The present idea, or the no 13 stuff?

Fortunately my MIL is a fanatic about fairness in gifts. Down to the freaking penny!<P>And my mom was a middle child -- so if anything, she spoils my MD more than she should! <P>I was so lucky that my middle child is a girl, the other 2 are boys, so we've avoided a lot of "middle child" issues.<P>I would definitely advise that you purchase presents and have her reimburse you for them. She may have the belief that kids don't understand "value", that they simply like the gift. But thats less and less true as kids get older.<P>

nina too,<P>Just out of curiosity, Are you chinese? Do you practice beliefs of other religion's? Lol<P>Sounds funny that you are so supersticous. I guess why I like 13 is because that is my B-day. <P>Oh i'm sorry your idea sounds funny too. But if you htink it will work than do it. What sounds more funny than that is a MIL who isn't equal!