I was looking thru my H's briefcase today while he was mowing the lawn. He rarely brings it home so I was curious about what was in it. In the back of his planner I found a card from OW written to him. She said how much she enjoyed their wkend together and how whenever he held the door for her at work it made her 'tingle.' She went on about how much she loved him,how much she he was her 'soulmate' and how she wanted to spend the rest of her life with him. EWWWW! Makes me sick! How could a thirty something single woman who knew before getting involved with him that he had 3 kids a wife of 15 years and a big mortgage DO such a thing???? I am about 6 mo after d-day and though we were into recovery a bit I have not felt emotionally safe with H yet since d-day.He doesnt waffle back and forth with me anymore yet I dont feel emotionally close to him. Now I am in a MAJOR set-back! The whole thing after d-day which was Valentines Day was like a bad movie- him saying he was leaving me for her, his moving out for a month, then back home but refusing to work on our marriage then OW pressured him to file for D on me which he did and then he cancelled it. He says now that he loves me and that he wants to be married. I find that really hard to believe. Why is he still keeping this card from OW and why does he refuse to level with me about the true nature of their relationship with each other? He seems to still want to seal OW off from me in an emotional sense. This makes me SO upset. I have got rid of the card- I dont think he should have it. What else should I do? This is REALLY killing my love for him bigtime. I didnt tell him yet that I found it. I need time to think. lifeismessy

I think that he will get rid of the emotional and physical things in time. It's hard to totally let someone or something go that you loved. It's not like flipping a switch. I couldn't get rid of my momentos either. But what I did do was put everything away where I won't run across it. It's hidden so that in a few years or whatever, I can deal with it (throw it away, save it, whatever), but not now. It is something that he has a right to take care of himself. Don't be surprised if he is upset at your tossing out his stuff. It could cause more "hiding" in the future. But talk to him and realize that feelings don't just go in one direction. They go all over the place and there is rarely any good explanation for it. You both have lots to work through. Good luck and pray for patience.

lifeismessy, <P>I just sat down at the computer and your post was on top, I am so sorry that you are feeling bad by what you have seen,was the card dated? I don't think that I would have gotten rid of it to me that is a big LB, I agree he shouldn't have it or need to have it and that is probably what it is a need to have something of her. I would fess up to snooping and apologise for doing so, and then say what you seen without telling about getting rid of it. I would stay as callm as possible, let him know that it hurts and bothers you but don't go hysterical on him, I know hard to do, but you may be opening a door too some comminication on the emtional issue. Just my 2 cents, maybe not the best advice, but I hate to see someoone in need not get an replys, that sucks and I don't like it when it happens to me. Best wishes to you in how you chose to handle the situation, remember he is there with you and you can talk to him, that is more then some of us have right now. Dawn

Hi lifeismessy, Sorry you found that card. I to have snooped in my H briefcase and found cards also and pictures so I feel your pain.My H OW is married and is older then him he is 38 she is 41, she also has a son. What type of woman would latch on to a Married man with 3 kids and 18 year M and a big M also??? I know what you are going through. My H had the nerve to say to me that he had more fun with OW then he ever had with me.I wish I could give you some advice, just wanted to let you know I care. Love Sally

Hi Lifeismessy:<P>I would think that unless this card is dated last weekend you perhaps should just forget about it and try to believe that what your H is telling you is really how he feels.<BR>You don't know why he's kept that card...perhaps it means nothing to him...my WH has cards from OW all over the place...well, in his personal spaces...desk, glove compartment, trunk...and they don't mean a thing to him..so why bother to get rid of them.<P>All the cards I have ever given him are in a box in his dresser...neatly all together...something that he wants to keep and cherish...see the difference. OW's cards are part of a moment in his life...I am his real life. In time you may again feel that from your H....but for now those little rememberances still bother you...and maybe you could talk to him about getting rid of them...it may not mean that much to him.<P>Faye

Dear Lim,<P>What an LB to find the card. I am so sorry you had to see it. But am glad you did see it. Confusing? Well it is part of the healing stuff. <P>About the card. If he is home working on his marriage, then you can casually ask (you may need to practice this first), casually ask what does he think it would take to provide you with reassurance of his commitment to making your marriage stronger? <P>If he has a blank look on his face say (again casually), 'ya know, like letting me know what OW gave you and let's get rid of it together.' Think that might be too hard for him? Ok, then say something like, 'something doesn't feel quite right. I smell an odd smell. Maybe perfume something...... could it be that something from the OW has rubbed off on your things?' Gotta be real careful how you phrase this. <P>You know OW's that get tingly when a man opens the door for them are probably easily tingled....... this could mean they have used that line before and if that is the most he did to tingle her, well...... many men open doors everyday for women and don't have an A. She sounds a bit desparate to me. <P>JMHO,<BR>L. <BR>

Call it whatever you wanna call it, but I would have ripped that card to shreds and stuck it back inside of his planner on the current date...<P>That is EXACTLY what I would have done with no regrets, no second thoughts, no doubt about it, bet your bottom dollar.<P>What kind of single woman does that to a wife of 15 years? A very selfish, lustful one who only has eyes for your H and not thinking about you, your marriage, NOR your children, you can believe that!

Dear lifeismessy,<BR>I can sympathize with you. I found 2 cards a couple of weeks ago. After reading the pathetically mushy messages (she actually told him she loved him SO much, she wanted to BE him), it was like she'd just written them. All the reminders, all the triggers. It sometimes makes me wonder if I'll ever get over it. My H is in continued contact with OW. I just get started trusting him again, and I find further evidence of his lies. I don't know how much they expect us to take. Before my H came home, I explained to him that he needed to get rid of EVERYTHING that OW had given him. I told him that for me to find something like a card even a year from now would devastate me. He claims he really THOUGHT he'd gotten rid of everything. I took those two cards out when I found them and I put them up on his dresser. When he came up and asked what they were, I said "you know perfectly well what they are." He ripped them up in front of me and told me he was sorry. But that was a few weeks ago, and I've since found out they are still talking. When I ask him why he will not commit to no contact, he just says "I'm getting there." This after writing 2 no contact letters, mailing them, then calling the bitc* and telling her he didn't mean it! I hate this whole rotten, stinking mess. Sorry you have to go through it as well. My prayers are with you.<P>MOM

I'm so sorry and feel your pain. My H also "ripped up the business cards" with all the OW names on them, said he didn't have their numbers anymore. Lies, lies, lies. I still found emails up till the 17th..he doesn't know I just check his emails when he is flaky enough to leave his laptop on. I would probably have put it back and brought it up later, telling him how it upsets me. He also doesn't know I have copies of his emails to and from her, with some of the sordid little details. I don't really know why I even have them, just to prove to myself that he did actually do something like this, which is something that I would never have believed without proof. Shows I'm a fool, I guess. Life is so hard sometimes. HUGS to you as you need them today.<BR>Mikkey

I was lucky in that I didn't find any cards (although I had seen quite a few email cards...sigh!). But I did see a whole bunch of them.. just last week too! <P>H had been rifling through some of his stuff in the basement, and brought them up to me. It hurt to read them. Seeing all that mushy stuff written by someone other than me to MY H.. well.. if flames could have shot out of my head, then that would have been the visual picture (grin).<P>I don't agree with your decision to get rid of the card. Although I do understand the initial instinct to do so. In time, you'll learn to ask about some things first, before they get the better of you (I'm getting better at that too, but I still need more work done..grin).<P>What is the outcome of your story?<P>Karen<BR>