I was wondering... if WS's in the back of their minds are thinking.... if my spouse doesn't meet my needs in a set amount of time, i will go back to the OP or i'll leave for good. And if they at all start acting like before then i'm gone as well. Do Ws's realize that its a very long road ahead of them???? i've wondered these questions myself. ANy response would help me so much in understanding my WH.

In many cases they aren't really looking for changes - they are just looking for any excuse to leave. Any you do or say or don't do or say is seen through their negative glasses - you could turn into Mother Theresa and that wouldn't be good enough for them. <P>Nothing you do or say or don't (within reason) makes any difference whatsoever as long as the OP is still in the picture.

I just asked my xWH your questions. His response, is that no, he never had any set time limits in his head. He was scared that things wouldn't change and we'd be back to where we were prior to our separation.<P>He did realize that it wouldn't be easy to start recovery. He knew it would be hard work. But something he told me a few minutes ago (which makes my heart smile! ), is that he is finding it easier than he thought it would be. He expected that we would be having so many little arguments all the time (like we did prior to me kicking him out and during my so called plan A).<P>I guess I was able to help create that 'safe environment' better than I thought I did <P>Something else he told me the other week, is that he had lost all hope of us reconciling. He didn't think we would be able to resolve our issues. In other words, he didn't necessarily WANT to D, but felt it was the only way at the time. IMO, this may have a lot of impact on how your ?'s would be answered by a WS. Because just like SnL talks about on here, if the WS doesn't want to come home, they won't. There is nothing you can do to change that. <P>Karen<BR>

Payton,<P>Speaking from my own experience, in the mindset of a WS, they don't want to see the changes, or they wouldn't be in the affair. After all, only that person could make us feel that way, right? Otherwise, having the affair wouldn't be justified. We fight any changes the BS can make and call them control and manipulation, and we trivialize these things and say *too little too late*, thus the "I love you but am not in love with you" argument. It is an easy way out for us to justify what we are doing.<P>In addition, we hold on to the security blanket until we see those changes are made and are genuine, or until the OP starts to LB, thus the "waffling" stage of going back and forth. There are things that we see about each person...it is a constant struggle to choose and endure.<P>Each circumstance is different, and this is only one viewpoint, but I hope it helps.<P>*Go confidently in the direction of your dreams.*<P>Trueheart

Thank you all for responding so quickly, I so appreciate it. My H has has no contact since April, and i don't believe that he's still seeing her. I would have had found some kind of clue or something by now. I guess i need to take a look at what he's been saying now to me to clue me in on my next move. He doesn't bring her up to upset me or to throw her in my face or anything like that. He just says that he really wants nothing to do with her and he just tells me what he felt like back then and what was going on in his mind then. He still says that he doesn't want anyone else but me and still wants a life with me. He does however tell me if i see what i was like then. He said, do you realize that you made me feel like i wasn't good enough for you and i felt so hurt by this? plus there was other stuff to he said. I am painfully aware of what i said and did. I told him if i could take back what i said and did to hurt you so much and cause you so much pain that you felt that your only option was to commit adultry i would change it in a second. I guess i realized that I had the problem with our recovery and not so much him. I wanted things to go a certain way, again I'm trying to control again. I guess for now, my H can only do so much and even though its not what I think recovery looks like, its still a step forward. I need to step back and breathe and just relax and not push things so hard. He still is here and he hasn't left and he says he doesn't want to. So, that means he does want to work things out but not in my timing. Geez... I'm sure getting that i need more patience in this deal. PAytonrose