2 1/2 years ago I fell in love with a co-worker and had an affair. Since that time, I have changed jobs, stopped all contact with him, and my husband and I attended counseling. It has been a year since the affair ended. I have been much happier in my marriage and I thought my husband was... until today.<P>I caught him flirting with a girl on the internet. What he doesn't know is that the girl was me. I suspected he was visiting a chat room regularly so today I went into the chat room, made up a phoney name and sent him a message.<P>At first I was impressed with him. He immediately admitted he was married. I asked questions about his marriage and was hurt to find out that he's not as happy as I thought. At that point I had decided it was time for me to put more effort back into the relationship so that he would know that I still appreciate him and find him sexy.<P>But THEN... uh, oh... he asks me to meet him. I, of course, played along to see how far it would go... and now he is planning to meet this non-existent girl for lunch on Wednesday. <P>I'm not quite sure how to handle this. My first instinct was to see if he really does go meet her and then pack his bags. I know that I haven't been the most saintly spouse, but after all we've been through and how hard we've been trying I can't believe he would do something like this now!<P>Now that I've calmed down a bit, I'm thinking of telling him that it was me on the other end of those e-mail messages and find out what's going on with him.<P>He's always been very hypocritical of me, saying over and over again that he would never cheat on me, that he never lies to me, and often throws my affair back in my face. So a part of me wants to catch him, to prove to him that he "thought" he would never cheat on me, but you don't know what you would do until you're in that situation yourself.<P>What would you do?

Show up for lunch!!<P><BR>(be calm and don't LB)<P><BR>who

I think you just need to stay calm. This same exact situation happened to my best friend and here is what I told her to do... Go to the place on Wednesday and meet him there. Tell him the whole truth about you setting him up to see if you can trust him. Be prepared for him to be angry that you did this, but kindly remind him that he is supposed to be out on a "date" with some mystery girl.<P>The first thing to do is either make some rules for the computer OR get rid of it all together. That is what me and my H had to do. I couldnt trust him. <P>Also... He is going to try and make up every reason why he was going to meet her. He might even tell you that he lied to her to play a joke. He MIGHT even try to say that it wasnt him on the computer! They do all kinds of crazy things.<P>I am also worried for you how many times he may have done this already. Maybe you are just now getting suspicious of him. What makes you think that he would cheat? <P>You need to talk to him NOW about all of this because it could get out of hand. <BR>Good luck, and stay calm. <P>STAYSTRONG always.. that is the #1 Rule.<P>Heather<P>------------------<BR>"What do you do when the person who usually wipes away your tears is the one who is making you cry?"<p>[This message has been edited by StayStrong (edited September 17, 2001).]

I agree: show up and expect him to be angry with you for "setting" him up.<BR>Get things out in the open. Trying to be very understanding of his anger...you don't need to condone it though...after all he was going to meet someone else!!! Just try to get your point across that you realize that something is lacking in the marriage...and that you are committed to working on it..whatever it is. It sounds as if he has not been able to let go of the affair yet...

HILARIOUS!<P>Aaaah, tell him, then see if he still wants to meet you for lunch... Then go to lunch and have fun. Tell him all is forgiven and print out some Harley stuff and have a good time enjoying each other's company.<P>You little stinker! I just hope he takes it as well as I did here...

Dear pippi,<BR>Just wanted to add that I hope you don't feel I'm making light of your situation. Not at all.<P>As I told Bgentle in another thread where she was very concerned about you--I think your husband is probably feeling MUCH MORE anxiety than you may be feeling and I think he would take it much better than you think. In fact, he might feel relieved!!!<P>You're both guilty and you both need to come clean and as I mentioned to Bgentle, your H is having a supposed EA with his own W--how funny is that??? But now I think you guys have had your fun, and it's time for both of you to simply keep on fulfilling your fantasies. Keep having fun with each other. It's okay, right?!<P>Do you forgive him? If so, then he should forgive you. To me, there is no loss here...<P>What if you just said, "Honey, I have a confession. I'm so and so. Do you still want to meet me for lunch on Wednesday? If you can forgive me, I can totally forgive you because I feel we can move on from here. I still love you and I want to be the one to fulfill all your fantasies." <P>What's wrong with that??? How could he not forgive you??? How could he be mad?

pippi,<P>All good ideas - of which I favour surprising him and show up for the lunch date. Tell him that you're his internet flirt and you want to fulfill all his fantasies.<P>Tell him what you feel for him. Let him know that he's the most important person in the world for you and you'd do anything for him. Show him. Then ask him what he needs from you. Listen. Listen. Listen.<P>good luck,<P>- Freddy<P><BR>

pippi,<P>I guess what we're trying to say is, do you want to punish him or do you want to do the best thing possible for your marriage?<P>Punishment might feel good, but would not help. That is one of the key MB principles. There were several suggestions on how to use this incident (which really hurts) and turn it around. <P>You should swallow your pride at being hurt and that will surprise your H. He might be more apt to be honest if you're showing a "safe" behavior. <P>Read the rest of the site and you will find some good rebuilding strategies.<P>Jeffers

Pippi,<BR>If you dont mind me asking... what happend at lunch?<BR>I hope everything turned out ok.<BR>Please keep us updated.<P>Thoughts and Hugs to you,<P>Heather

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by StayStrong:<BR><B>Pippi,<BR>If you dont mind me asking... what happend at lunch?<BR>I hope everything turned out ok.<BR>Please keep us updated.<P>Thoughts and Hugs to you,<P>Heather</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Thanks, Heather!<P>Here's an update.... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum31/HTML/004528.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum31/HTML/004528.html</A> <P><BR>

GREAT... Somehow, I knew it would work out. Your husband is a good guy.<P>Harley has a good workbook that is helping us called, "5 Steps to Romantic Love" see what you guys think?!<P>

pippi,<P>this is an interesting series of events and outcome. Has me thinking!!!!<P>- Freddy<P>