Hi All,<BR>I've been reading this site since the beginning of August ...it's been tremendously helpful to me so I thought it only fair that I contribute my story instead of just lurking. <BR>On July 16th I discovered my H was having an EA (I say EA but I'm not positive because they did "make out" - let me know if this is incorrect, but I'm thinking a PA is the code for sex?) Anyways...I knew something was wrong for about two months because my H was VERY irritable, wouldn't look me in the eye, was having trouble even being with me without others around and was just plain rude and mean to me to the point where some of our friends noticed. On the 14th he picked up a shift at work on a weekend (unheard of) and he had recently started a new contract where he works Saturday and Sunday night and then one other day - usually Monday - and he seemed VERY EXCITED over his new schedule - which I thought sucked. Needless to say it's a coworker he was having the affair with. Anyways...July 14th when he left for work I just start crying for no reason - but didn't do anything....same thing July 15th. On July 16th (monday) he calls me at work and tells me he has a staff mtg in the morning after work and won't be home until late morning so our son should go to camp....I ask if he would rather I drop son off at his work - as per usual - and he insists NO. "Take him to camp." I sit here at my desk and then do the unthinkable - I call his work and check his story out - and ITS A LIE - no one except someone like me (read: idiot) who COMPLETELY trusted their spouse will ever know how I felt at that moment - all of a sudden it hits me - he comes home 20-30 minutes late from work every day he works even on the weekends when I'm there...he's talking on the phone all the time when I call him at home, he's getting new scrubs and doing his hair/shaving for work each and every day and working out like crazy, when he is almost out of cologned he "just has" to have more RIGHT AWAY, and he's been staring at himself in the mirror in this really weird way. I go home, call my best friend - she says "search the house" - I search and search and find nothing...then I go into our guest room where he sleeps between shifts and search - find nothing...then as I'm leaving room I look at the bedside table which is really nothing more than a hollow cube - lift it up - two unopened boxes of condoms....ahhhhhh! Call best friend back - she advises me/calms me down. Call H at work and ask him if he loves me - "yes", does he want a divorce - "no" - "I've found condoms in the guest room" and hang up. He flies home and we have our official D-Day...it started 'as friends' in early May - by July 12th (right after our absolutely terrible (I couldn't understand it!!!) vacation) they are planning to have sex - but he chickens out at the last moment and doesn't meet her (confirmed by an email I dug up where she's *****ing him out about it)I'm devastated. I know I don't need to explain it - if you are here you have either felt this way or caused someone else to feel this way and quite frankly, either side of the coin you are on, it is not a good place to be.<BR>He keeps working with her...he tells me "its really hard" but its over, he calls her Tuesday morning (the day after D-Day) and talks for 2.5 hours - I'm so distraught I leave work, go home and break down- it's the "its over" talk he says...we go to a MC that night - he then goes out with his best friend to talk and comes back drunk and announces he is moving out so that he can "see if he'll miss me" and calls his sis (one of my best friends) and tells her what is happening. I tell him if he leaves the house our marriage is over - he may as well make his first stop an attorney. Next morning he says he's not leaving...he calls OP supposedly to say goodbye, again....we continue with counseling that week and next...<BR>I go to an attorney and get ready for the possibility of a divorce and she suggests a detective...I hire the detective - he "wires" my house on July 29th...is supposed to do his first "follow" July 30th but can't for some reason. My H has been calling me immediately when he returns home from work...on July 31st (Tuesday) he calls me at 9:00 am (usually can be home by 7:40am) and tells me he stopped by a gym to check out memberships. My gut reaction - "I don't believe him" - detective calls me 2 hours later - he did follow him and he did go to a sports gym...and sat outside in her minivan (how romantic with her three kid's carseats in front of them) for half and hour and talked/made out - he lets me listen to a taped conversation from our house from later in the day - (when she called him to "check and make sure everything's ok" and I get to hear my husband say "I checked in with Her" like I'm the f-ing gestapo) and the PI also emails me pictures of them together in her van including the not-to-be-missed make out pics....that's all it took - put a fork in me I'm done.<BR>I call the attorney, tell her assistant I'm probably going to bring in a check tomorrow to start the process and head home......as far as I'm concerned he obviously doesn't love me and does love her...he wants to leave me and obviously doesn't have the balls to do it himself. Well - I'll help him out.<BR>We have a massive D-Day #2. I tell him he needs to leave immediately - I confront him with the fact that I've hired a detective and have hard evidence and tell him exactly what I've seen/heard that day. He insists he wants me/loves me and that he regrets his actions. I give him a choice: me or her. Decide right now, because this is the last chance I'll ever give you in my life....and he just totally spills his guts/begs for another chance and "turns his life" transparent for me - email address and palm passwords, listening devices on phones, spyware on computer, new cell phone and only I have access to the online account showing incoming/outgoing calls; and he's responsible for calling me and telling me where he is every hour on the hour while I'm at work (I changed my schedule and only work m-th, so we have Friday/Saturday together.)He called her with me to tell her its over (she's pissed at him now which probably has something to do with him/me spilling the beans to her husband when we called to talk to her - gee, that's a shame...my advice to her: be willing to face the consequences of your actions).<BR>My H has been VERY OPEN with me since August 31st - he insists that he "really regretted" meeting with her that day immediately after doing so and had already resolved to end it before I came home from work - I'd like to believe him - I really would. I've had him followed four more times since then and when he does something with friends I occasionally call and question his friends as to time/location/fact that they are meeting with him....it's like I'm married to a five-year old...but I refuse to just "trust" someone who comepletely and utterly betrayed me. <BR>We have filled out the EN and LB questionnaires and the Recreational and personal information questionnaires and they have been very enlightening...we are also doing the "Relationship Rescue" book...we've been to 3 counselors - all more pyshco than the last but we are still looking. We now do "date night" every Thursday and spend the day together Friday while out son is in school....this is helping BOTH of us tremendously....like most here we definitely have communication problems that we need work on...however it turns out that when we filled out the LB questionnaires my H could think of only ONE annoying habit -the rest of the LB pages on me were essentially blank, while mine were LOADED with 'disrespectful' actions, 'angry outbursts' and 'selfish demands' for him - I'm surprised I'm not the one in the affair.....I looked at what I wrote and thought - why the hell was I living with this - I deserve SO MUCH BETTER...so I told H so and he agreed....and is working on it...all of a sudden he's treating me like "someone special" again and I'm like "oh yeah" - this is what love is SUPPOSED TO FEEL Like <P>its as though H all of sudden has "turned back into" the great guy I married......he's stunned at the things I say (and he agrees) he was doing...its weird how much fun we're having now that we are ACTUALLY TALKING to each other and both of us are telling each other things that surprise the hell out of the other one...it's actually kind of fun.<BR>It will be a LONG time before I trust my H again and I will never trust blindly as I once did. I WILL check up on him once and a while and IF I find anything I AM OUTTA HERE - and he knows it because I've made it PERFECTLY clear what my limitations are. It's non-negotiable.<BR>We have been finding articles about infidelity and highlighting them/making notes on them for each other to read and respond to and writing each other letters about the affair and our current feelings....in his last my H asks for my forgivess....and, while I'm really not ready to completely forgive him yet - I am much closer to doing so.<BR>Thankfully, our OP turned on my H and treated him very hatefully and angrily - because I know him sooo well I could have counseled her that this type of behavior DOES NOT work with my H - it just gives him a reason to hate someone back - thank goodness she didn't get the chance to know my H well enough to learn this (very basic) fact about him....I've been extremely firm and completely uncompromising regarding my list of absolutes but when asked by him if I hated him I have always said (truthfully) that I don't, I simply hate what he has done...also I never raised my voice or reacted with anger towards him because I knew that this was just what he needed to provide him with ample rationalization for his bad behavior.<BR>Our OP also emailed me twice and both emails were rude, nasty and lacking in any basic sign of human intelligence - I think these emails were somewhat "eye openers" for my H.<BR>Yes, he still works on the same unit with her - if he were to leave he'd loose a massive amount of bonus money - I don't like that he works with her but honestly, with the way she's behaving it's turning out to be a good thing because he is TOTALLY turned off by her behavior. I keep thinking "keep it up sweetheart! - Show my H what a tramp you really are." Plus his best friend works his exact schedule with them and keeps me totally informed - and so far the news has been excellent. Plus I still have the detective in my pocket and plan on having him check on H every once in a while.<BR>I applaud all of you who are plan A"ing" because quite frankly - I could never do it. For me it was simply come back to me or leave me so that I can get on with my life....period.<BR>...you guys are intensely patient and forgiving - far more than I. It's amazing.<BR>Thanks for all the advice I have gleaned (and will continue to get) from this forum....although I really wish none of you needed to be here (myself included).<P>LLL<P>I'll respect you by opening my hand and letting you be free...<BR>You may fly away if you need to.<BR>Now respect me by not coming back.

lll,<P>Welcome...your situation with H sounds like a lot of us. When& if the trust ever comes I don't know. It's like starting over, but not really if you know what I mean.<P>My D-Day was Feb 2001......still trying to decide if it's worth it. No OW in the pic that I know about (maybe I should be smarter like you & hire a PI, H works 2+ hours away (I've never even been to his job)<P>As I'm writing this I feel like the biggest pushover. I will have to do some investigating.<P>Good Luck, you sound pretty strong.<P>Lisa

LLL,<P>Welcome to Marriagebuilders. Yes, it IS a shame any of us need to be here but since we do,,there's no better place for us than this!! You'll meet a great group pf people here, many in situations very similar to yours. <P>Since you have been lurking here since Aug, I hope you have taken the time to fully investigate this site. There is SO much helpful information. Try to read it all,,very helpful. <P>And, having been in the process is rebuilding our marriage for 3+ years, I want to urge you to stay in close contact here and continue to post. This recovery road is rocky too, with lots of roadblocks and pit holes. But so well worth it when you get past the major construction!!

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by loveslabourslost:<BR><B>It will be a LONG time before I trust my H again and I will never trust blindly as I once did. I WILL check up on him once and a while and IF I find anything I AM OUTTA HERE - and he knows it because I've made it PERFECTLY clear what my limitations are. It's non-negotiable.<BR>.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Damn, you are so much like me that my jaw dropped when I read this! I reacted the same way when I found my husband initiating an affair over the internet with an ex girlfriend. [they hadn't met yet, but were planning on it] I flat told him our marriage was over. Period, end of story. I had no intention of "settling" for someone like him, especially some jerk that I couldn't trust! Who would want a deal like that? Anyway, the prospect of my leaving completely turned the man around and he begged me to stay with him. In the last 10 months our marriage has been wonderful - he treats me like a queen. But I am just like you - if it EVER happens again, there will be no second chance or questions asked - he is out of here. <P>I have also closely watched him [spy software, computer checks, etc] and know that he has been clean as a whistle. One of his old girlfriends even emailed him and he deleted it. I would never trust an untrustworthy person but he has done a good job of rebuilding my trust in him. Like you, though, I will never blindly trust him again.<P>How nice to see someone that I can relate to so well. Welcome to MB! Good to see you here.<P>Dana<P>

A question, how much did your PI cost you? I have about decided that I am going to go full blown back into this marriage and give it everything I've got but, I still have these nagging doubts and suspicions.<P>For one thing, my H never did bend over backward to appease me. Never in our married lives and not even now. He has made changes, yes, but there are issues I am still having a hard time dealing with.<P>As far as the PI I did check out prices early after the A but $45.00/hour was too steep for me. I would like him watched for a period of time but my god it would bankrupt me. If our marriage does not stand the course of this I certainly don't need to exit broke.<P>Any suggestions or comments would be appreciated.<P>By the way is anyone else having a hard time getting on this forum? I have been on for over an hour and barely get from page to page.