Thank you notheard, louser, lifeismessy, Nina too, 2worlds.<P>I would especially like to thank 2worlds. Thank you for taking the time to write such a long response. Here I thought that I was new to this, but on our way and could help you. Now, it kind of feels like I am back to start or real close at least. +Did any of the things I wrote to you the last time help? I could not find the thread again. I hope it did a little. Yes, what you wrote did help me to understand what she is going through or thinking, etc.<P> I appreciate ALL you guys helping me think in times like this. I THOUGHT things were “all better” or at least getting better, ya know? Then this, sheesh, and it all comes tumbling down again. My strong front turns out to be like the buildings in the Hollywood movie sets, just fronts. I am still so weak, and now very tiered, physically, (not sleeping well naturally, and I never been able to get great sleep), and emotionally. I don’t know if it is because I am real week or the disaster in NY is really hitting me hard too. But I have been crying off and on, once a day I am on the edge. <P>But hater I asked her a few questions that I knew the answer to and she lied. Because I want things to continue to get better I am afraid of confronting her and our recovery hitting the breaks. I am not one that has ever feared confronting anybody about anything. Yet, know I should. I know she is trying hard and is under a lot of stress. I know she is trying hard and in her words, looks forward to when we, “are not walking on eggshells”. <P>Before “D-day” is it? Before I confronted her, I was invisible of coarse. Combing that with what I have learned about her in out talks. She is “single-minded” meaning she does everything to perfection, one-thing-at-a-time. She can multitask fine, if all the tasks are in the same set. Like when you are at work, you can think about 10 things at once if they are all related, get it? When she is doing this, nothing else exists.<P>Why tell all that, to explain how I can walk by her sometimes when she is on my computer and she does not notice. So I figure she is way into who she is talking to. But things seems to quickly disappear when I am noticed. It also was good to learn how she works/thinks so I know when not to bug her, and how to get her attention when she is working. So this is how I KNOW she gave him a link in yahoo IM, and how he did. There are also other ways of getting this info, but none I would be proud of for some reason. Things people that are REAL familiar/advanced with computers and the Internet would know. But it is getting easier to think about doing these things.<P>So, you guys think I should confront her? She is trying so hard in some ways. Not all the ways I want to. I want to read a book I got together, “When Prince Charming Falls Off His Horse”, do some surveys to find out each others “Emotional Needs” and talk more about the affair, the time leading up to the affair, and why she did what she did with him etc. I can’t afford the books here we should get yet. But never the less I have also gathered from my glimpses into her world. Thank God I did not see that guy showing her his pecker. <P>Was her wanting to see a pierced pecker a natural curiosity? Because it is very strange thing that some women would want to see? Is having him look at her page with her 2 pictures a natural need to see if she is beautiful? Does my telling her she is beautiful and special carry less or now weight?<P>But the lying about it. Why? Because she doesn’t want to hurt me? Because she does not want to spoil our recovery? If so, THEN WHY DO THINGS SHE CAN”T TELL ME?I feel like she just wants to continue getting the attention of other men for what ever reason and wants to keep it from me. I also feel it is playing with FIRE! I NEED her to be COMPLETELY HONEST WITH ME! But she has developed habits of dishonesty with me for a long time. She has had to think quickly to come up with answers I would believe and learned to live with herself, right? See all the problems I am going through, trying to understand. I am not a crier, and I spend 30 min in the shower crying so hard, I almost had to go to my knees like before.<P>See, I haven’t asked her to stop being online for a few reasons. <P>1. She works for a web company, managing a small area. The job requires chat with users, members, fix problems, compile statistics etc.<BR>2. She gets gratification form doing good work, solving problems for people etc. <BR>3. Something to do because her other job is seasonal.<BR>4. This is a VERY small town, she is the type of person, like most, that needs friends. Her best friend moved away a few years ago.<BR>5. I feel that if she can’t function doing her job, can resist temptation or what ever in our home, she never will be able to outside our home.<P>So do I confront her? If so how? Will it put the recovery on the skids or make it better? Can’t decide, can’t think. Also thanks again for taking the time to help me, and thanks in advance for the help I will get. THANK YOU!<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by bigsouthwestsucker:<BR><B>So, you guys think I should confront her? <BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE></B><P>Naaah, because if it was the right thing to do, you would know it in your knower and wouldn't need to ask anybody... You would just know it was right and the timing was right and it was just "right." You know??? If you have to ask, your body is telling you it ain't right...<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by bigsouthwestsucker:<BR><B>But the lying about it. Why? Because she doesn’t want to hurt me? Because she does not want to spoil our recovery?<BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE></B><P>Well sweetheart, she probably cannot face the truth about herself to herself, let alone admit it to you... A person has to be able to be straight with themselves first. That's how I see it...<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by bigsouthwestsucker:<BR><B>I am not a crier, and I spend 30 min in the shower crying so hard, I almost had to go to my knees like before.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE></B><P> <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by bigsouthwestsucker:<BR><B>So do I confront her? If so how? Will it put the recovery on the skids or make it better? Can’t decide, can’t think. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Like I mentioned, if I were you and I was feeling so very uncertain, I would do nothing until I could clearly decide and clearly think and clearly know inside myself that it was the right thing to do and the right thing to say and the timing was right.<P>I know it is difficult to stand there and watch the lies unfold before your very eyes and you want so much to believe your loved one, then on the other hand, it burns you up and hurts beyond measure because IT IS SOOOO PERSONAL!<P>Chin up. Eventually she will wrap herself up in her own lies and you may not even need to confront them. Pretty soon they will all surface on their own. (Patience is the weapon that forces deception to reveal itself...) She's not getting away with anything although she may think she is. You're no fool... You know that and I know that.<P><p>[This message has been edited by BINthereDUNthat (edited September 20, 2001).]

Thanks BINthereDUNthat,<P>I think you are right on all points. Plus if is confront her it might just drive her real feelings deeper into secrecy At least this way I can get an idea of what she is doing and thinking, still believing she is undercover. I do not know all that is going on though, never will, is she making calls from work, pay phones etc. Wondering if this is the tip of the iceberg and how much is not seen ya know?<P>While having trouble trusting and letting trust grow, it is hard for love to grow. I also know she hasn’t revealed everything in the A and the time leading up to the A. SO if some of the reasons she did all the things she did are unknown to me, so is how I can fill her emotional needs.<P>Thanks again.<BR>

I think you deserve to ask for a faithful and honest partner. You're worried about cutting her off from the internet, her job, and her friends. You should tell her you have no problems with her being on the computer, but it hurts you to see her attention shifted from you to someone else.<P>I think you should confront her, but in a way that does not sound as though you are attacking her. The best way might be to start out by saying you have been crying over this. This way, you are telling her how it makes you feel instead of using words like "you did this" or "you did that". Because, by using those words, she'll immediately become defensive.<P>You are putting her feelings first by not bring the problem up, but you are the one who is in pain. And I feel that if she is concerned with the recovery of the relationship, she would hear what you have to say in order for the situation to get to the point where there isn't involvement with anyone else. <P>Basically, I think she is keeping it a secret for three reasons:<BR>1. She is trying to avoid an argument.<BR>2. By telling the truth, it could mean the end of the relationship with you. She might think that you would want to break it off with her if you find out that it is still going on.<BR>3. (Please don't get upset at me for saying this. I could be wrong.) She wants to continue being in contact with the person on the internet, otherwise she would have cut off contact with this person by now. And, by staying in contact, she is disregarding your feelings and she does not seem to want to be committed to just one person.