Hello everyone!! Boy I have been wanting to get on all day to ask this question but our computers were down here at work. Modern technology!! <P>Anyway--My H filled out the ENQ at my request. I also filled it out. Then last night we sat down and went over them together. Which was hard because I really learned some harsh things that he felt about me. But I let all that slide. Then when we got to the end where you rank your 1-5 he was shocked to see how different ours were. I tried to explain that that is normal and thats why we fill these out so we know what the other "wants". He completely reverted into himself only saying "See this shows how completely opposite we are!" That has been one of his things since D-day--saying that we are complete opposites. Like that is something SOOO bad.<P>So what do you guys think? How does one respond to that? He really clammed up after that. Of course then I wished I had never suggested doing it. Any suggestions would be appreciated. Thanks!!----KID

Don't PANIC! KID...<P>Do you have His Needs/Her Needs? Have him read the part where it talks about the 'different' needs that men have from women and vice versa...<P>If he's not a reader...I got a tape that also explains it...and if you can get him near the Internet this website has a good explanation of it...plus there are the old 'radio' shows to which you can listen...<P>Regardless...if he uses this as 'justification' it means he's looking for justification...don't let it get you down...<P>Cali<P>------------------<BR><I>Live Impeccably In Your Word.<BR>Don't Take Anything Personally.<BR>Make No Assumptions.<BR>Do Your Best Always. </I>

Hi Kid,<P>Howz this for support? Being opposites is not always a bad thing. Right and left hand are opposites and they make a good fit. <P>No reason to throw in the towel over a survey. Instead learn from it. I know you are but your H needs to also. Does he give up that easy on all challenges in his life? Hm...... maybe conflict avoider or just looking for an easy way out? Well, you will find that several Wss have said similar. Mine did. Don't disagree. Let them talk till their steam blows out. When then begin to run out of reasons to blame you on, then be ready to show the other way to look at the obstacles he raised. Acknowledge the true points and then help him learn to take life's lemons and make lemonade. <P>I did that with H, eventually he ran out of reasons to blame me for him leaving. Made OW angry.. Oh well. H is home now......but not after looking for excuses..... even he admits it... <P>Ya know, they just have to try, so you gotta let them. After they get tired of being somewhat stupid, reality sets in. <P>Be patient. Pray for a clear mind and a calm heart. <P>Take Care,<BR>L.<BR>

Let's see... "opposites attract" can be proven scientifically if he needs that. Then of course, the way I've always looked at that (b/c H and I are opposites in so many ways too) is that we compliment each others strengths and weaknesses. That makes us stronger all around. <P>Karen<BR>

KID,<P>We all seem to handle this information differently.<P>When I first read the Harley stuff, a lightbulb went on in my head. 20 years of marital tit-for-tat suddenly made sense. Neither of us was meeting the needs of the other... and we each thought that we were doing the right stuff.<P>We're very different, too. Actually, we share 2 of our top 5 needs (affection and domestic support), but neither of us was meeting those the way the other wanted it met. Now that we know what each others needs are (after ENQ) we find it's not hard to meet them. <P>You at least, can use this information to start meeting his needs. <P>He might be thinking that OW was a better match (he still has no contact, right?). She probably wasn't, but they were both making more of an effort so it might have seemed that way to your H. <P>NOTE: you DO NOT want to be reminding him of OW at this point. Do not start him thinking about what her needs really were.<P>There must be a reason why God made men and women so different. Even a Darwinian would notice that there must be a large survival benefit in spouses being "opposite". Otherwise, that wouldn't be how things have turned out, on average.<P>So to answer your question:<P>1) You go about the business of meeting his needs without LBing. <P>2) You might tell him how typical both of you are. Follow Cali's suggestions. This, really, is what marriage is all about. Remember, trying too hard to "educate" him will be an LB, so don't push too much. He has to think this through on his own. You can lead him to water.....<P>Jeffers

KID:<P>As Cali indicated, the reason that Harley wrote HN/HN in the first place is that spouse's normally have "opposite" needs, and your instinct is to meet the needs that YOU have for your spouse. Which is off target, and causes so much problems in marriages where there really isn't an issue of "incompatibility".<P>Now you've identified the target. The next is to make a plan for each of you to meet them. Opposite can be very, very good.

Thanks everybody for your inputs. This is the first time I was able to get back on the site. <P>Cali-The first book I read was HN/HN and H got the tapes. He seemed to be very interested by them. Maybe he has forgotten what he had listened too. Don't worry I won't panic. I've put in too much effort to throw it in.<P>Topie-I agree about completing each other. It is how I have always felt. Like that goofy line from that movie --"You complete me!!" <P>Jeffers- Your points are good and I will continue to meet his needs and at least now I know what they all are. How could I be reminding him of OW and how don't I do it?<P>Orchid- He never has seemed to be one that gives up easily. I can only hope and pray that stays the same.<P>K- Thanks for the advice. I"ll be working on my plan and hope that he'll follow suit eventually.