My husband has a 'friend' that he will not give up. I told him a few months ago that his friendship was causing me concern. At first he was wonderful about it, saying he didn't want me to have to worry, etc. Next day he turns around and calls me a 'spoiler of innocent friendships', that I'm 'testing him', I'm being 'silly' and 'trivial' and that he 'won't give up his friends for anyone'. <P>My husband works away from home, and I only see him maybe one week every three months. He has made several new female friends, and they don't worry me. This other one though, he just sounded so different in the way he spoke of her. My instinct was telling me something was wrong, I can't exactly pinpoint it but I hope you believe me, I could tell it was not another normal friendship.<P>So far I doubt that he's had a PA with her, but then of course who knows. He's turned overnight into a cold, uncaring monster, it's scary.<P>Last time he was home, a month ago, I once again told him of my concern about this friendship, and that it was hurting me deeply that he continued it. He again told me the same things he had before, and that he wasn't going to give up his friends for anyone. He just cannot seem to understand that I have any reason to be hurt/worried, so he trivialises my feelings. Anyway, I told him he had to make a choice. If he did not stop this friendship, my feelings of love would be wittled away and he could damage our marriage. He didn't seem to care about this at all.<P>Then, this morning, he said he was thinking of going away for the weekend, and asking this girl to go with him. You can imagine my pain! I told him again of the pain his friendship is causing me, that I have been deeply depressed and even suicidal over it (unfortunately, all too true). He doesn't care. I got the same spiel as before. I tried to get him to understand by reminding him of many years ago, when I had a male friend over for dinner while my husband was away on a business trip - on my husband's return, he was so jealous, hurt etc (nothing happened, I hold my marriage sacred) that I said I would not do it again. I haven't done it again, my attitude is 'if it hurts you, even if I can't see a reason why it should, just the fact that it's hurting you means I should stop it'. Who knows if this reminder got through to him?<P>I then said, and this is what I want to know if I did wrong, that I would ask him to make a decision to give up this friendship. If he does not, I will cut all phone contact with him and stick to communicating about essentials via email. Now please understand, although I did not tell him this bit, this is for my own sake and NOT meant as a punishment (although right now he doesn't care anyway). To hear the voice of my beloved husband, knowing that right then he is an evil alien and cares nothing for me, tears me apart. I cannot cope with the stress of it, and the wondering 'is he seeing her, will he mention her, what is he up to'. I am disabled already and my body handles stress extremely badly. <P>My plan now is to wait until monday, and write him a short email asking him for his decision regarding this girl. Well, unless he tells me earlier of course, but I doubt it. He's already learned to live away from me, and has even said he's happier without me. <P>Does anyone know anything else I could try to do? It's like dealing with a person in the fog, I cannot get through to him. I've been reading this board for some months now, and understand the principles of it. I am very very upset and shaking, for 17 years we had a marriage I thought was special and blessed, and now this!<P>SAU<P><BR>

I am so sorry that you are going through this pain. But be thankful that you are here. This is the best place to learn how to have your best chance of recovery for your marriage.<P>You say that you've been reading on here for a few months now. Have you done any plan A yet? Because if not, then I don't think it would be wise for you to jump right into plan B (which is what it sounds like with your wording on only contacting him for essentials via email, etc).<P>In order for plan B to work, you should be leaving with a good plan A in the mind of the WS. They need to feel that they are missing something (the EN's you fill).<P>Keep on posting here with more info and questions. I don't think I've helped enough.<P>Karen

Sweet Person, I'm so sorry for your pain. We have all been there, woken up one bad morning and discovered that our beloved spouse has turned out to be a horrible, hurtful stranger. We know, and we are with you in this.<P>I'm sorry I don't have any good advice for you--my husband carried on for six months without my knowledge but when I found out the affair was just ended. However, generally I can tell you to find a support person locally, if you can, and find support on this board. Consider counseling and consider anti-depressants with your doctor. You'd be amazed how many of us BSes take them. Talk to your pastor, priest, spiritual mentor. Know that you're not alone.<P>Hoping to hear from you soon,<P>Rose Red<P>P.S. Consider changing your name, too, to something that says something good about you. You may not feel well, but you aren't "unwanted" here. <p>[This message has been edited by Rose Red (edited September 19, 2001).]

Thank you for replying. After I wrote my initial bit I broke down and talked to my mother. She herself is not well, and I had not wanted to burden her. But, I could cope no longer on my own. She too said that she'd noticed the total change in my husband when he was here a month ago. I am trying to look after myself the best I can, I know that's important.<P>Yes, I am aware of plan A and have been practising it unknowingly since the beginning of my marriage. When my husband was last here I could tell that he was trying to find something 'bad' about me, but he could not. He even said I'd been nothing but a loving wife to him. But, even that is not enough for him right now to put me above his 'friend'. Seeing that he's away from home so much, my only way to plan A has been via the phone and email. We used to talk several times a day, and email back and forth a lot. Now he's not at all interested in doing that, and if he does talk to me it's about superficial matters. Last weekend he even went away on a big trip without telling me anything about it, nor did he phone me at all for several days. I had no idea where he was, who with, or what he was doing. This is totally unlike my normal husband.<P>I guess in a way I'm fortunate that he's not living at home with me, seeing this changed person would be too much for me to cope with. Just hearing his voice on the phone, the lack of interest he has in me, is dreadful. Although the way he's behaving is very similar to a person having an affair (as in being in the fog), could this also be due to depression or a mid-life crisis? Regardless, I have to protect myself and what little health I have. I cannot control him or his actions, or feelings, I can only do the best for me. You may think this is harsh, but I will not let him put someone else, someone he's only known a few months, before me and our marriage. Am I being too harsh, that's what worries me. <P>Thanks to reading the wonderful advice given by so many people on this board over the months, I know that these feelings I have now, a rollercoaster of pain, dread, not caring, great anger, disgust, will subside and eventually fade to more bearable proportions. Right now though, I cannot believe that my own husband can say 'I will not give up my friends for anyone' but is willing to give up me/our marriage for a friend.<P>SAU<BR>

SAU, I'm so glad to read your letter--you seem much more calm and centered than before. I'm also glad you told someone--especially since your mother can provide validation of your feelings.<P>Too harsh?? Not by my book. I'd probably be screeching and crying at him every minute. You are doing the right thing.<P>Is there no way that he can be home more? A local job? I think it's going to be somewhat harder to rebuild your marriage with him so far away.<P>I think depression manifests itself in a lack of interest in familiar pleasures (family, activities, job, etc.) rather than a reorganizing of priorities (friend over family), which seems to be your husband's case. Mid-life crises I don't know about, but isn't the classic stereotype an older guy with a fast car and a young airhead? How fast is your husband's car? <P>Next time the subject of cutting off contact comes up, be sure to tell your husband that it is because you love him so much and that this hurts you so badly, that you think you must stop contact with him if he continues. This isn't very MB advice, but I know in my heart that if my husband had ever waffled about his desire to stay with his OW, I would've had to separate fast. However, I'm very hesitant about giving you this advice because my husband's affair has taught me that I know nothing about men. I hope wiser minds than mine will add advice here for you.<P>Rose Red

I just wanted to reconfirm that you ARE definately doing the right thing. Don't listen to the lies in your head that say your over-reacting. You are NOT over-reacting.

Thank you, I have tears in my eyes reading your replies. To know that I am not going over the top, when you're in a whirlpool of emotions it's so hard to know what to do. <P>He cannot get a job closer to home, and he's already told me he does not really want me to go live with him, as he's 'happier without me'. <P>You know, if I'd not been reading this board I WOULD have been yelling, screaming, cursing etc at him, but I know it's futile and counter-productive. After all, he genuinely does not care for me at this time, unbelievable as it is to me. <P>Yes, I definitely made a mistake not telling him I don't want contact with him because it hurts me - once I know his decision, I will make sure to write him an email outlining this. I guess it would have to be a letter along the lines of a Plan B letter. <P>Of course he's not bothered to contact me since yesterday morning, when he broke the news he was wanting to take his 'friend' on a weekend trip. He's 48 and she's 25. You know, I can't help but suspect he's either in love with her, even if he won't admit it to himself, or he's already having a PA with her. Then again, what would it aid me to know this? My mother thought that maybe his new job (highly paid), and freedom by being away from home, have gone to his head. They may well have, but how could that turn someone into an evil twin? <P>I have been planning for my future, a future without him. I've decided that, should he have sex with someone else, I will not have him back. I'm really sorry to say this, but from reading how those other brave spouses on this board try to fix their marriage, I know I do not have the strength for it (due to my illness). If he does not have sex outside of our marriage, but becomes his old self again, I will have no choice but to accept him back and make the most of it. I'm sorry to say that right now even that is not a pleasing prospect, I know I will never look at him through starry eyes again.<P>SAU <BR>

Oh dear, I know the right thing to do but I am so tempted NOT to do the right thing.... <P>I found out the surname of my husband's friend, and also her email address. Not thanks to my husband, he of course refused to tell me anything except her first name. Anyway, now I am holding myself back from writing her an email.<P>Before I first told my husband about my discomfort with his friendship with her, he told me that he'd said to her 'we have such a good Christian marriage that, even though I live away from home, my wife trusts me enough to make friends with females, and not worry'. Up until this friend, that was true. I bet he has NOT told her since that I actually do not approve of their friendship at all.<P>So you see my temptation. I desperately want to write her an email saying, nicely, that I feel uncomfortable etc. But I know that it will backfire, giving my husband more cause to turn against me and who knows, she may not give up either. Also I'd like HIM to choose me and our marriage over this friend. <P>This sat/sun is the weekend he was thinking of taking her for a trip. He has not contacted me to even tell me his plans, so I guess he will just do what he likes without informing me at all. I am so stressed out, I wish I could just knock myself out until this whole thing was over. Of course, it may never be over. How can a husband treat his wife this way?<P>SAU

Dear SAU<BR>I feel your pain. My gut feeling is that your gut feeling is right. Like you, I was completely devastated that my H could do this to me and I really had convinced myself that he had only an EA with several women. In reality, he has had probably more than 4 Eas and as far as I know, just the one PA. He had told me time and time again that when I found him on the computer and it upset me that he was always chatting with other women, that he would stop. He didn’t stop.<BR>He gave them his phone numbers at work and he called them. I was devastated. I only screamed and yelled once, but wasn’t aware of the PA. Since then, I haven’t screamed and yelled, I am too depressed about it. I am still in a fog, but have told him I forgive him. I love him, have always loved him and am so sorry for my part in not meeting his needs to cause him to do such a horrific thing. At least I have the opportunity to start anew as he has indicated that he wants to. BUT when he first came home and we had it out, he said he should have never come home. He thought I would not want anything to do with him ever again. He even admitted that if I had been the one to have the A, he wouldn’t have forgiven me and would have just left.<BR>So, I think there is always hope. I too, have learned that you never truly “know” somebody. That is the frightening part to me. My absolute trust has been shattered and I don’t know if it will ever return to a stable level. I really believe in the power of prayer. I believe God wants our marriages to work. I am trying to give my problems to God and have his love show through me to my husband. Although, when I can’t handle it, I take a pill. There was a time this last year, when I would have to take a xanax just to be near him as everything he did bugged me. I felt that everything I did was never good enough and was a nervous wreck around him. He always likes to argue and I usually turn and run away from that. I am learning to stand my ground, even if it hurts. Sometimes I still run away. Read “The Power of a Praying Wife”. It has so much good in there.<BR>Nothing is easy and I wish you didn’t have to go through this pain. We are here for you and continue to vent. It helps tremendously and keeps you semi-sane.<BR>Mikkey<BR>

Mikkey, this pain is so unbearable I don't know how my body keeps going. It's all I can do to get through the day, I'm now at least able to talk to my mother and that helps me - it does not ultimately solve the problem though. Unlike you, I do not have the strength to cope if my husband has a PA - I am a Christian who believes divorce is not allowed, but even so I could not live with him again. I would rather be without my husband and alone, than with him knowing he's been with someone else. I admire your strength, and will pray that God comforts and supports you.<P>I am thinking of what I will write to him, should his decision be to keep his friend. When someone is in a fog, there really is so little you CAN say that might get through to them. I'll have to read some Plan B letters, and model mine on them. It will be very difficult to write that I love him, as I don't have those feelings now - however, I should remember that love is actions, not feelings. <P>If he does give her up, how do I react? <P>SAU<P>

SAU, I'm sorry I haven't seen your last messages--I know you're suffering. You are in my thoughts and prayers.<P>Regarding e-mailing the OW (potential OW?), you could but the outcome is pretty uncertain. If she is pursuing your husband, this will encourage her to continue. Your husband could become angry because you "don't trust him." (Classic talk from somebody who doesn't want to acknowledge his responsibilities to other people.) The only situation in which writing her could help is if she is a lovely person who didn't realize how dangerously close to falling in love with her your husband is, or if your husband would be so moved by your show of love and concern that he would end their "friendship" even if it is innocent because it upsets you. My humble advice is to forget about approaching her and concentrate on your husband.<P>As far as your mother's guess about him being away from home with a high-paying job, that is similar to my own husband, and it DID go to his head. We have discussed this at length, so I know that when my husband's affair started he felt that since he was such a hot-shot, he deserved a little something extra. My husband is paid well (I think) and he is gone 4 days a week, almost every week. His need for sexual fulfillment wasn't being met, he was away from me and our children, and he began to believe that his life at work (pilot) was his REAL life, while his time at home was just interim. The children and I weren't that important any more, we knew very little of his time away, H and I had stopped talking on the phone much at all when he was gone, she presented herself and voila! marriage destruction. My honorable husband had indeed become his evil twin.<P>Somehow, somehow, you have to become more present in your husband's life. I have no idea at all how to do this, given your situation, unless you could just force your way into his life, but I'm getting the impression you're beyond this point. Is there someone your husband respects, a relative or minister, who could intercede on your behalf and urge your husband to try again at your marriage? I suppose a measure like this would have to wait for your husband's decision, but it is something to think about in the meantime.<P>I hope very much that your husband decides to give up this girl. If he does, I think you must begin counseling with your husband as soon as possible. I can't imagine any marriage counselor wouldn't consider that the geographic separation between you is very dangerous to your marriage. I hope this is something that can be resolved, but if your husband is willing to try, you have got to live with him. I'm sorry to sound so harsh and pushy, but feel I must speak truthfully to you if I am going to be any help at all, which I want to do. When you can't live with him, you can't meet any of his emotional needs, and if you can't do that, he will be constantly empty and available to other women. Having dealt with this problem myself I know it isn't easy. Given my husband's job, he can't be home much more or he'd lose it. It's the only thing he is qualified to do. I've just tried to encourage him to take more time off, which he has, and I've tried to accompany him on a couple of trips. (Once I went to another city to surprise him at the end of a trip and he caught a late flight home without realizing I was there! He high-tailed it back to meet me at 6 a.m. the next day...)<P>Meanwhile, don't discount your ability to deal with whatever your husband says. I "knew" I could NEVER live with someone who cheated on me, and had in fact told my husband long, long ago that if he was ever unfaithful to me, I would SHOOT him! One of the first things he told me before I saw him in person on d-day was that the gun case was unlocked for my arrival home, so I could proceed. Obviously I didn't, never seriously considered it, and have been able to forgive him and even begin to see what I loved about him. This isn't me doing all this wonderful stuff--I'm convinced that God has brought me here. He would do that for you, too.<P>I'll be thinking of you and watching for your posts.<P>Rose Red

Hi Rose Red,<P>Right now I'm having a hard time, I want it to be time to go to bed so I can have a fresh start tomorrow. My stomach is so clenched I can't eat, and I get so anxious I feel I can't breath. My husband has not phoned. I had the crazy thought of ringing his friend's phone number, and asking if she was home - might find out then if she's gone with him for the weekend. But I've stopped myself from doing it. <P>I have the idea that he's re-living his youth, doing all the things with this friend that he used to do with me. She is a beautiful girl, I've seen pictures and she's just his type. Really, why am I even bothering to try to figure out WHY, if only I could swith off my brain. <P>Until the day he turned alien on me, I was sure we had a wonderful relationship even though apart. The phone calls, cards, and emails were so frequent between us. Whenever he came home, he was as loving as always. Except for the last time I saw him, and now it's completely different.<P>What galls me (and hey, I can find LOTS of things to be angry about in the moods I'm in these days) is that he's presenting himself to other people as a good Christian man. Especially to his friend, and another woman who he is comforting as she's going through a relationship break up. His hypocrasy (sp?) is stunning! He would tell me, in a deeply concerned tone of voice, about the dasterdly things the woman's ex had/was doing to her, when in fact my husband was doing the same, and worse, to me! I bit my tongue every time he did this, having read on this MB that it's impossible to educate someone in the fog. <P>I don't know if it would help, having someone intercede. We have two friends who are pastors, I don't know if it's worth trying. A few weeks ago another old friend spoke to my husband several times, gently, and he too could see the change and unconcern in my husband. In fact he told me 'hold onto your money', that's how cold my husband was. Even though normally what God says is what counts most to my husband, right now his attitude is that he can sin, as God will forgive him anyway. That in itself shows his mindset doesn't it!<P>I'm sorry Rose Red, I feel so hopeless right now and helpless. I know I'm babbling away. When things get so unbearable that I feel I'll burst, I sing hymns and pray frantically. I must remember that God's will is only to my good, and He will not give me more than I can bear.<P>SAU<P>ps Does someone in the fog act only strangely to their spouse and children, or are they weird to everyone except the OP?

Dear S&u,<P>D/d was Nov 22, 2000. 2 elders were over the next day. H told them that he was not sorry for what he did. We were all shocked. Actually H was shocked also. He could not understand why he did not feel remose or repentant.<BR>Knowing that he was very much out of character at that point, sent me on a desparate search to id his problem and find the 'cure'. <P>I focused on OW. OW was a symptom not the cause. H turned into a very selfish person. One I no longer recognized. <P>It took me a while to find the cause. It took even longer to see a cure. The hard part was not to concentrate on the OW. She was and is psyco. In my case she has earned the name Psyco Babble Rabbit. Many here know this story. Each part of her name is related to incidents/experiences that we witnessed or were forced to be a part of. <P>It got harder. I eventually learned that I could not give the cure to my H. He had to find it on his own. The painstaking trek H took us on was not something I want to live through again. Just briefly in my case, I had a miscarriage/DNC and OW claimed 3 pregs/miscarriages no dnc and without proof (hence her name Rabbit) over a period 11 months. At one point both OW & I (Yuck) were supposed to be both preg at the same time. I saw the picture of my fetus, I knew I was preg, so did my H. I was also diagnosed as having a fibroid tumor which I still have to deal with. All this is relatively a new issue (my preg/miscarriage was June 30. <P>Through all this I did not want to give up. The need to survive in our marriage and keep our family in tact became my main focus. Eventually it took a physical toll. I am not sure if it is related to hormonal aftermath of the miscarriage or the fact that I was just plain ol worn out. But I began to give up. Not just on my marriage, on life. <P>Now I have been here since Jan 01. I know better but somehow I still reached the end of my rope. Fortunately, H was trying to come home, this time I did not have the energy to help him. As it is turning out, it is better that I don't help him as much. I used to enable H too much, he was comfortable with that regardless of what it was doing to me. Now he is learning to consider my feeling. I used to want to be there to help all. I now know that it is not healthy for me to do all for all. <P>So are you doing the wrong thing? No, I don't think so. The down side of this is that your H is have an A (ea or pa or both) and is very much in denial. He can not help himself until he is ready. That is a cruel thing to do to one's family but that is what WS's tend to do. How bad each WS let's things get varies. Some a little some a lot. In the interim, the family suffers a lot. <P>This place helps us through the suffering and helps us keep focused. We may slip sometimes but usually we get used to coming here to get help. Read up on the material presented at this site, vent as you need to, respond as much as you can to your posts so that we know you are reading your reponses. Your posts don't have to be long, you don't owe any of us answers to every question we ask, neither do you have to agree with all opinions. Again this is a place of support for you to use as you need. Keep the good and discard the bad. <P>I wish you well. You are not as your user name says. Eventually, I hope you are able to get a new name. <P>Take Care,<BR>L.<BR>

Thank you Orchid,<P>I've read so many stories on this board from brave BSs who put up with so much from their WS, and I know I cannot cope with that. So I am behaving towards my husband in a way that to me seems very harsh. It helps me when you tell me I am not doing the wrong thing, because I am normally so softhearted towards him. Not that I've ever let him walk all over me, we both are strong characters but have always been considerate of each other. I cannot even prove he is having an EA, all I know is that he's changed into an evil twin, and won't give up his friend no matter how much it hurts me for him to continue the friendship. <P>I am going to bed, I hope I get some sleep at last as I badly need it.<P>God bless you all,<P>SAU

Hi S&U, <P>I hope you had a nice rest. I am playing map lady to my H who is delivering a package to a TV station in another city over 250 miles away. <P>Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that a few months back while I was in despair, I asked my H to please go find my real H so I could give him a hug, big kiss and tell him I loved him. You know what? H said he would like to find that man also. I told H I no longer recognized who he had become, H realized that also and said he was out of control and wanted to find his old self. Now mind you his old self still needed to make a lot of changes but at least it was easier to deal with than this monster person he had become. <P>Well, the old H just came home. I am seeing more signs of him every day. OW and H turned H into the evil WS that I could not communication with. Still having communication problems but at least now I can tell him and he can work on it. Before even that would not happen. <P>So, you are not alone in your feelings. Even in your assessments. At a later point, you can lovinginly mention this to your H. You might find his response interesting. <P>L. <P>

Unlike you, I do not have the strength to cope if my husband has a PA - I am a Christian who believes divorce is not allowed, but even so I could not live with him again. I would rather be without my husband and alone, than with him knowing he's been with someone else. I admire your strength, and will pray that God comforts and supports you.<P>Dear S&U<BR> I never would have thought my H would have an affair, never in a million years. We both are MEMBERS of a Bible-believeing church. He knows how I feel about my vows. I also NEVER would have thought I'd want him if he did have a PA. I found emails saying she missed his body snugging hers in the morning. That's when I went to the Dr. and got all the STD tests. Confronted him and he still wouldn't admit to it until Aug 31st. I suspected the EAs with several different women but since one was in Texas and one in Colorado and he hadn't been there, I didn't think there was an PA with those. I knew he had gone to Wash DC twice this spring. Know what hurt the most? We had a fire in our house at the end of February. I got burned on my arm, took care of the whole thing as he didn't get home for another MONTH....it was during that time that he was scr*wing around with her!!!!!! God, that just about killed me, him knowing that we (the kids and I ) could have died in this fire and he was not concerned enough to come home. I know plane tickets at last minute were way out of line, but he didn't even call that much.<BR> I told him on one trip when I took him to the airport, before I knew of the definite PA that he had to decide what he was gonna do, because if he was having s*x with someone else, I didn't want him.<BR> Then when the actual facts came out, I panicked and didn't know what to do...withdrew,,needed time to think....decided I couldn't put our kids through this and I really did love him. God also had a big part in this. I kept thinking, "this is only a fraction of the forgiveness God has given to me...His Son died for me and I can also forgive my H. I just prayed for God to help me through it and its not over yet, but I truly do draw my strength on that. My H has indicated that he is worried I will go out and find someone else. I told him I didn't have the time, or energy and so he said "that means if you had the time you would?" I said "no, my vows and committment mean something to me. I wouldn't do that, although I have definite needs that are also not being met."<BR>The bible tells us to treat others as we would want to be treated and I told him I want to work this out together.<BR>So, its not me, and I don't have the strength some days. I still cry some days and get so nervous I just don't know what to do with myself.<BR> We are plannning to take more trips together with his work. I can take the two girls with me as we just take their schooling with us. My 15yo son is in HS but Grandma is 3 blocks away and I have a friend that he can stay with for 2-3 days at a time. It is a struggle as I don't want my son to think we are abandoning him, but I need the close contact with my H for this relationship to work. The kids won't be here forever and I want our "empty nest" relationship to be on the right track when that comes. <BR>\ If you can't go with him on some trips, then Plan A to the hilt when he's home. Give him something to remember and yearn for.<BR> Man, I wish we could shake up these men who are going through the mid-life crisis. It is so frustrating!!!! Continue to vent. At least you have your mom to talk to. My one friend is over 300 miles away and other than this board, I haven't talked to anyone about it. That sometimes drives me nuts too.<BR>Hugs to you.<BR>Mikkey

I meant I haven't talked to anybody around here about it other than my one girlfriend who has been through this and Orchid.<BR>I called Orchid once and she helped me tremdously as I was so panicky and thought I was gonna die that day. I couldn't even hardly talk to her at first.<BR> So, talking definitely helps and H and I are going to counselling together. I told him if he wouldn't go with me then I was going to go alone, just for my sanity. I was really feeling worthless and had thoughts of suicide although I don't think I ever would because we have 3 wonderful children to think about. If it wasn't or them, I don't know what the outcome would be. God works in mysterious ways.<BR>So, if you have someone close to, even besides your mom, talk to her. I don't have anybody I really want to trust with this close to me. I am really close to my sister but wouldn't even think about talking about this with her. I think it would cause definite problems later on.<BR>Mikkey

Dear Sick&unwanted:<P>Unfortunately the signs of an affair are pretty plain to me in your relationship...and I would not be surprised if it is not already a PA. Although you are feeling like its over for you if he admits to a PA, I don't think that this is the best time for making a decision about that. You are already dealing with some of the painful thoughts and feelings an affair can have on a BS.<P>I don't know your situation or that of your WS but this seems very much like a MLC type situation or maybe just a lonely H turning to someone who's available. It is so thoughtless for an employer to deprive an employee of his family for weeks on end...you could almost predict what the result would be...turning to someone close at hand for comfort. This certainly doesn't excuse your WH but it does make it more understandable. <P>This is a problem you have to face if your H is successful...I understand this because my WH is a lawyer and there are always women coming on to him....and certainly there are always women looking to take advantage of a lonely man separated from his family....they have everything to gain and nothing to lose.<P>If you've read enough on this board you'll find that once a WH has experienced that kind of feeding to his self esteem or his emotional needs...it is hard to let it go...it feels too good.<P>Ordinarily the advise given by MB would be to spend a some time working on a Plan A and his emotional needs...but the separation makes that difficult...and since you have been separated if also makes it unlikely that this affair has very much to do with you...it's mainly about him. For that reason I think you are doing the best thing in preparing to go right into a Plan B. He has no excuse for this behavior and you need to let him know that there are consequences...to continue means he loses his family.<P>If this is a true MLC this may or maynot jolt him into realizing that you are prepared to move on without him and if not then you have begun the process of preparing yourself to move on. It is said that in a basically good marriage, the pain and suffering of the BS is much more intense when the WS seeks an affair....time has not prepared the BS in little ways for this revelation and the suddenness of it is very heart wrenching. That's one reason I think it's better to resolve it faster. It will also put you in a more protected position and give you time to work out what you really want to do.<P>I wish I had better advise for you...but you are dealing with a very tough situation...one for which you have few options. I hope this works out for you.<P>Faye<BR>

Thanks again to you all, for your replies. I keep rereading them because I so need an outside view. <P>I'm so befuddled, and stressed, I can't think of anything to say. My Christian husband, who was always so against affairs, said to me last time he saw me that he can now see he was 'too harsh on people, too judgemental'. How the fog twists a person's thinking! <P>SAU

I sent my husband a one-line email, asking him to please tell me his decision regarding xxx. So far he has not responded. He has not attempted to contact me at all since last thursday morning, when I'd told him he needed to make a decision.<P>I am such a wreck, I feel like throwing up with nerves at this whole situation. Please pray for us both, I so want to do the right thing.<P>SAU