I desparately need advice. I have been happily married for 6 years to a wonderful woman with whom I am very much in love. However, over the past few months, I have developed a severe infatuation with a woman that I work with. I think of this other woman all the time. I cannot simply choose to avoid her, because of workplace demands. The situation is absolutely killing me inside. I haven't eaten or slept well in weeks. I feel like I am "cheating" on my spouse, even though I haven't taken any actions on my feelings. I know that nothing could ever happen between me and this other woman, and that nothing ever will happen. However, these feelings that I have are completely out of control and are ruining my performance on the job and my home life. <P>I would like to get to the position where I could be just platonic friends with this other woman--because we do share so many similar interests--but I'm not sure how to get there. I would appreciate your thoughts and suggestions. I am beginning to fear that this entire things is going to ruin my life. Thanks.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I know that nothing could ever happen between me and this other woman, and that nothing ever will happen. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P> Silly man. Of course something could happen. Get your head out of your A$$. You are a married man. And you are correct, this can and may ruin your life and marriage. <P> Yes you are cheating on your wife. What you are describing sounds a lot like an Emotional Affair to me. Get your act together and decide what you want and what you don't. Decide if you want to crush your wife and family. THINK MAN!!!<P> Good luck.<P> jd<BR>

Stop, don't do it! Not even a platonic friendship. My husband fell into the same trap 6 months ago with his secretary. They both had been on diets and lost a bunch of weight. He liked talking to her at her desk and one day they decided to have lunch together, totally innocent. Well they started talking more indepth about their selves and their marriages. Well all of a sudden, my happily married husband now viewed his marriage as a problem. She apparently was in a bad marriage and was using my husband as a shoulder to cry on. After their 3rd lunch, she leaned over in the car and kissed him, he kissed her back. As much as he knew it was wrong, he still kept seeing her and then things got sexual. I had my suspicions, but he actually confessed the whole thing to me due to him feeling so guilty. We have been together for 19 years, married for 10 (1st girlfriend/boyfriend) we have 2 children ages 2 and 7. Just built a big home and have a big race shop in the back for his hobby (racing cars). I gave him 4 chances to stop seeing her but the infatuation was too strong. She kept writing him letters professing her undying love to him. I met her husband and he is a really nice guy, it's his wife that is the messed up one and now she has ruined my family too. She has had several affairs, my husband was just the stupid one that fell for it and left his family for her. I know it takes two to tango so I blame my husband as well. We are now in divorce proceedings and there is no hope for reconciliation. I have tried. He is not happy but he is going on to be with her. She is divorcing her husband as well (they have a 4 year old daughter). This is such a sad situation for all parties involved. So please, please, take my advice and do not even start a friendship with this other person. If you do, I can guarantee you that you will be posting on the "Divorce" forum within 6 months. An infatuation with a person of the opposite sex is never a good thing. Please post and let me know how you are doing. <P>Take care.

Hello and Welcome to Marriage Builders!<P>I was you at one time -- only female -- and I did it -- I had the affair with the man at work who was "only my friend" and let me tell you -- my LIFE was changed FOREVER.<P>I would like to share a letter of general welcome with you, and then I'll come back and tell you how my story ended:<P><I>First, I would like to share two links with you. Just click on the underlined links here, and read –><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi10_tour.html" TARGET=_blank>Tour of Marriage Builders</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome</A>. <P>Please read everything you can on this site, post and read often!! <P>I have been betrayed and betrayer, so I have the dubious honor of knowing what infidelity does from BOTH SIDES of the situation. <P>I believe in the concepts espoused here, if applied properly. One idea that has worked *wonders* for some couples is Plan A. Read about it here –><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>What Are Plan A and Plan B</A>.<P>Use what you learn here to make your marriage a safe place where you do your best to meet the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A> of your spouse,and avoid <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A> whenever possible. . When a decision must be made, use the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>POJA</A> to determine the final outcome that you can both agree upon.<P>Many couples find that counseling is VERY helpful, and the counseling provided here is excellent for several reasons; but the most important is that it goes along with the concepts here. Check it out here –> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counsel Link</A><P>Again, welcome to our community, and feel free to write often and ask lots of questions!</I><P>Okay, about the lady at work -- stay away from her, the best you can. If you can't... get ready... you need to leave your job. Yes, I'm serious.<P>Have you discussed this with your wife? You need to. Why? Because it will take the "romance" and "secrecy" out of it, and she can help you!<P>My story is all over these boards, but the short story is this: My marriage ended. It was a series of events, ending with my (then)H having some revenge affairs. I came to MB becuase of my affair with a co-worker. I slept with the OM only once, but it was enough to make me want to die - literally. <P>I am remarried, don't post her often anymore unless something really touches me. Your thread touched me -- hit me upside the head, actually -- and I hope my response back to you does the same for you.<P>Please, stop this before it goes further. If you can't, you are in the midst of an emotional affair, and you need to "come clean" with your wife. This is very serious business!!<BR><P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>And we know. We who have seen. ~Pellegrino

I can't remember which of many, many books on marriage this was from but here is the basic advice "If you are married and start to feel yourself becoming attracted or infatuated with someone other than your spouse you must take all measures to remove yourself from that person's presence. Avoid them all costs, even if it means looking for another job." Even platonic friendship is RIGHT OUT. Probably at least 7 out of 10 affairs I have seen began as "platonic work friends".

<B>DO NOT TELL THIS WOMAN ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS!<P>DO NOT TELL THIS WOMAN ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS!<P>DO NOT TELL THIS WOMAN ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS!<P>DO NOT TELL THIS WOMAN ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS!</B><P><B>I would like to get to the position where I could be just platonic friends with this other woman--because we do share so many similar interests</B><BR>That is how it begins.<BR>You must quit doing things with this woman unless it DIRECTLY involves work.<BR>No lunches, no idle chats. If she is in the break room, wait until later to go in. If she’s in the copy room, wait until she leaves, etc.<P>The more time you spend with her, the more attachment you will feel.<BR><B>Nip it in the bud</B> as they say.<P>And yes, you need to discuss it with your wife.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

You have been given the right advice, if you act on these feelings you will reach a crisis point.....but not acting is only the bandaid......the real issue is why do you feel this way.....clearly your marriage is not as connected as it should be if you were truly in-love. Therefore something is seriously wrong....you NEED to tell your wife about this NOW, not next month, not next week, not after you figure it out....NOW, this instant. It may be she has already sensed your emotional distress, and is distressed herself, and indeed discussing marriage is scarey, one may end up divorced when that box is opened, but to continue on if you still want to be married is the road to disaster.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by jas:<BR><B>I desparately need advice...I feel like I am "cheating" on my spouse, even though I haven't taken any actions on my feelings...I would like to get to the position where I could be just platonic friends with this other woman--because we do share so many similar interests--but I'm not sure how to get there. I would appreciate your thoughts and suggestions...</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>You feel like you are cheating because sexual energy is going away from your marriage and toward the OW. This is, for you, an emotional affair (EA)... <P>I don't think that you guys can stay friends because of your infatuation problem.<P>Here is some advice from Dr.Harley taken from Q&A columns:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>From Escaping Jaws of Infidelity Letter #1, written to a wife on the verge of having an affair:<BR><B>You are on the brink of an affair, and once you jump in, you may not be able to get yourself out before you have done untold damage to your family. Sooner or later most affairs die out, but in their wake they leave unspeakable pain. Your husband would rather have his hand cut off than go through the agony of your unfaithfulness to him. It is the most cruel decision you could possibly make. Avoid that choice at all costs. Instead, dedicate yourself to training your husband to become the man you've always needed. <P>First, you should avoid seeing the man at work altogether, and it will mean quitting your job. You are already addicted to him, and your emotions will control your decisions whenever you see each other. It won't be long before you have thought through a justification of your behavior, and then there will be no stopping you. You will lose all perspective and ruin your marriage and family, to say nothing about intentionally hurting a man who cares a great deal for you. Six months after your affair has started you will be so up to your eyeballs in guilt you will be contemplating suicide. Get this man out of your life at all costs! <P>Then, you should try to come to grips with what it is this man does for you that you need so much you'd risk giving up everything to have it. After you identify what it is about the other man that you find so attractive, try to teach your husband to do whatever it is. I understand personality limitations -- your husband is more passive, while this man is more aggressive, like you. But you should be able to identify your needs, such as conversation and recreational companionship, that can be met regardless of the personality type of the person you are with. I have seen remarkable recoveries of couples just like you with seemingly incompatible personalities. It turned out that their personalities were not incompatible, it was their habits and activities that were incompatible. Once their lifestyle changed, their marriages were terrific. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Excerpted From Escaping the Jaws of Infidelity Letter #2, written to a man who broke his jaw and his wife and girlfriend both showed up at the hospital before he could tell his wife about his affair:<BR><B>Whenever I counsel someone who seems incurably attracted to the opposite sex, I give them the following rules to avoid temptation: 1) Spend all your recreational time either alone or with your spouse, 2) no meals alone with someone of the opposite sex, 3) no rides in cars alone with those of the opposite sex, 4) never tell someone of the opposite sex thay you find them attractive or that you like them and 5) if someone of the opposite sex ever tells you that they find you attractive, start talking about how much you love your spouse.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>You might feel like you can trust yourself, but you really cannot trust yourself or that girl when smack in the middle of the "right temptation." So you must take steps to protect yourself from your own weaknesses--immediately!

jas,<P>your feelings are easy to understand. You're hitting it off with the OW at all sorts of levels. You can talk with her, laugh with her, understand her and she's really warm and affectionate towards you. And in this lies your danger. <P>For a man, there is a link between affection and sex. They're very close but they are different needs. And because they're very close Men often confuse them with one another. And this is one reason why plutonic relationships are nearly impossible. It leads to a physical relationship.<P>Affection with sex should be the exclusive territory of your marriage. So, I would tell your wife what you're feeling before anything with the OW happens. Your W needs to help protect the marriage as well as you. And that you're attracted to somebody else means to me that not all is perfect at home. <P>If, like me, you stray the path and become a WS there is no way back. For either your marriage or the relationship with the OW. It's a path made treacherous by fog and regret and will leave either or both relationships broken.<P>good luck,<P>- Freddy<P><BR> <P><p>[This message has been edited by Freddy (edited September 21, 2001).]

Welcome jas...<P>Your story could be mine, I only wish I had found this place or sought counseling when I was at the point in life where you now are. <P>The feelings you have for this individual will never be kept under wraps as long as you continue to work together. Quit your job if you have to. It doesn't matter how important you think the job is either, trust me on this. You'll lose it anyway. <P>I was there, 6 yrs. married, became great freinds with a coworker. Couldn't sleep, eat, concentrate on anything but the thought of her. Not even sexual thoughts at the time, just plain infatuation. Never thought it would become anything, in fact I didn't want it to. Never thought she'd let it happen either. Then I lost it and told her my feelings. That was 2 years ago, and we have been engaged in a full blown EA/PA since.<P>I have failed my marriage, lost the dream job, separated from my family, and nearly hopelessly addicted to the OW. <P>I just finished reading "Surviving an Affair" and it was the best book I've read in a long time. It nearly perfectly describes the way I felt, decisions I've made during the course of the affair, and the pain, sorrow, and devastation I caused in the lives of many. It ends with the recommended course of action to overcome the devastating effects of succumbing to the temptation which you now face.<P>I suggest you read it before doing ANYTHING. <P>DO NOT TELL THIS FREIND HOW YOU FEEL. If you want some kind of acceptance or validation from someone, know that you'll probably get it if you tell her, but for me, there was no going back. It's not worth it.<P>Think about it this way: If someone were to hand you a drug, one that could give you all the gratification you needed at any time, then told you that you'd become hopelessly addicted to this drug, you'd lose everything that ever meant anything to you, and if you ever decided to quit the drug, you'd suffer a terrible withdrawal, guilt, loss of self esteem, self respect, your moral and family values, just to name a few...would you take it? <P>Right now you are still in control. Do you really want to become a WS? Trust me, if I could turn back the clock, I would do everything different. I can't, so now I have a very long road to recovery. Please read "Surviving an Affair", there's hope before you ruin your life and marriage.<BR> <p>[This message has been edited by Bad Hubby (edited September 21, 2001).]

So what are your thoughts jas?<BR>