This is a little long, and for that I apologize. When I got home from work last night, H handed me a fat envelope and left with a small bag of clothes. What follows is the contents:<P>Honey,<BR>Enclosed you will find a copy of the letter I wrote to OW today. I know it was the coward's way out, but I mean what I said and it is all over between us. You can call her yourself if you want to make sure she got it. I also have instructed all the girls at work to not let her calls come through to me. I want our love back like it used to be. Tonight, I will be at (SISTER'S), call and let me know what you want. I hope it is for me to be home loving you. Also, feel free to ask anybody at work about the calls, they all know. <P>I love you always,<BR>H<P>Then here's the letter:<P>(OW),<BR>OK, I know we have been through this a million times before, and I find myself here once again. (OW), this will no doubt come as no surprise to you, but I must let some things in my life go. I find that as I consider all these, is that the way things are going, I am not being fair to anybody, in particular, my wife. I love my wife and need to find a way to get my full life back again. I am not trying to be mean (I can hear you already) but rather trying to be fair to everybody. I love my life at home. I do not want to go to my sister's. She has been in the middle long enough. I wish I was man enough to say this to you in person, but that never seems to work. I need to let you go and find a man that deserves what you have to give. What I have to give belongs to (W). Things are not perfect at home, but if I let you go, I know they can be. My wife and family are #1 with me and I have been very foolish to let all that go. I cannot take another chance that will all go away. My cell phone is in my wife's possession for a while, so don't call, please don't call work either, as I have asked the girls not to let your calls through. You are a wonderful, loving girl, please let me and you move on in life - without each other. NO MORE CONTACT PLEASE! I love my wife and want to be with her for the rest of my life. Sorry it has to be this way, but we both need to move on and I think you already knew that. (W) is my love and my life. I hope you find the same for yourself. Goodbye forever (OW).<P>(H)<P>I am so scared. I want to believe, but how do I? Last night I told him that the letter was all good and well (except for the nice stuff he HAD to say about her), but how do I know that it wasn't written out of fear?<P>My thought (and I said this to H) is that if he MEANS what he says, he would still feel the same after staying at his sister's for a month. I'm afraid to believe. This letter was written on lined paper. On page 2, you can see the lines for the part he wrote on. The rest of the page has no lines, so my thought is: was there a P.S. that he covered up so I wouldn't see it? This is what he's done to my trust.<P>HELP!!<BR>

If he is sincere, and you will know in time, then its worth a shot.<BR>Why don't you just ask him where the rest of the letter is? Just tell him calmly what you noticed and ask him what it said.

Hi MOM, I haven't posted for awhile....the letter sounds good....if you want to try and see if there was any additional information....take a lead pencil and softly rub with the side of the lead the paper where you think you see additional lines of information and see if any images appear........I sure hope his letter is sincere and that you are headed for full recovery.....God's Blessings to you........<P>------------------<BR>always-faith4us

Hi Myownme,<P>His letter is better than what some others have done (speaking from experience here). He was not afraid to tell her your and the children were his #1 priority and that he loved you and need to give back what was yours. Big love bank points here lady. <P>Yes, he may have lost it a little saying OW was a nice person and he wished her well. Doesn't sound mushy to me. Of course he woule think that, I would say that to a total stranger on the street who I met. That's just an example of how casual an exchange it could be. <P>So IMHO, do take that piece too personal and don't keep him away too long. How about a couple of days? He doesn't want his sister to be involved anymore, she already was. Don't put that pressure on her. <P>Now remember M O M, you may start feeling angry. Gotta get to that acceptance level here to, ok? <P>Take Care,<BR>L. <BR>

I agree with others...your H is choosing you..definitely the first step in the right direction. Hold on to that especially when you begin to doubt.<P>As we all know As don't just happen overnight and unfortunately it takes time to sort out the aftermath but it can be done...one day at a time...one step at a time.<P>Keep posting esp when you are worried but also when the smallest victory comes. <P>OP have an uncanny control over WS and your H is man enough to break this because he cares for you and wants a better home life now. Try to appreciate this (maybe appreciate is a poor choice of word but I hope you know what I'm trying to say) H is offering you some hope here.<P>Wishing you all the best and lots and lots of patience. Remember to be good to yourself, too...rest, let friends help (stick with women friends)...you need to deposit some LU in your own lovebank to keep your confidence and don't be afraid to reach out to invest in H's lovebank. He really needs it right now.<P>I am a WS and know how stupid I felt after my A. H in his wisdom just poured the love into me that he could to the best of his ability and now we are in recovery. <P>I hope success and healing will be yours.<P>------------------<BR>Fresh Start

Myownme,<P>It does look like he's chosen you. He's certainly showing that he can "Talk the talk." But, can he "Walk the walk"?<P>To me, the letter seems kinda tender toward OW. I would not be surprised if she thinks he still has strong feelings and that she can win him back by just making a big enough effort.<P>I think she will try to make contact. The real question is what will your H do when that occurs. This is something you can not help him with. This is his demon to deal with. IMHO I don't think you want him using you as his crutch during this time. It's gotta be all his doing!<P>I don't think this means sticking to your strict Plan B, but letting him move back in before he's proved his resolve will probably not be good for YOU.<P>It's easy for me to say this. I'm not sure that I wouldn't do exactly as Orchid has suggested if I were in a similar situation. Doesn't mean it's the best thing, though.<P>Jeffers <BR>

First of all THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH!! I am SOOOO very lucky to have people here that know and understand.<P>I just got off the phone with my H. He had time to think last night, and he agrees that a month away might be a good thing for me as well as him. He said he knows I need time to see if what he's done is a lasting thing. I am feeling much more at peace with the decision. He said all the right things. We will both continue our individual counseling during this time. He will be coming tonight to get more clothes. He will stay the night tonight, as he is meeting with my 1st father in law in the morning for coffee. We will discuss the bills, how we will pay his sister, etc. We will spend the evening with the kids. One thing he said to my daughter last night had really upset me. <BR> <BR>He told her "you know I'm not leaving for the same reasons as before, right? It's over with OW. Well, for me it's over, but your mom still has some things to work through." <BR> <BR>That really upset me as we had discussed that we would NOT tell the kids any specifics; just that we had some issues of our own to work on. When I expressed (not in an angry way) my disappointment over what he said to our D, he said he was sorry. He had not believed that I would keep my word about keeping OW out of it. He was worried because he thought I'd show the kids the letter, etc. All in all, it was a very good conversation.<BR> <BR>I am going to propose to him that instead of talking to each other throughout the course of this next month, we keep journals, jotting down our feelings, what we'd like to say to each other, etc. Don't know if he will do it, but I am hopeful that he will. I have been keeping a journal throughout all of this, and it has helped me tremendously.<P>I say again, thank you to those who've been there; those still in pain; those in recovery. All of the input is so helpful in sorting through all the FOG. I truly believe that while WS's are in the fog, we BS's end up with much fog as well. Have a great weekend everyone!<P>MOM<BR> <BR>

Hi MOM,<BR>It appears that your H is making an honest effort in his OWN best way. It would be nice if we could write scripts for our WS's to follow but life isn't that way. I don't have any good advice to give you but still sending prayers your way. I always seem to relate to what you're going through. Good luck!<P>~TD~

Well I also think YOU are making great strides. It is all toO easy to take them back again when they say they have repented...you are showing great strength of character to allow this one month.<P>Happy thoughtS to you!

Without hesitation, I would give all that I own for my wife to write that same letter to the OM in her life. Everything I hold dear, all my cars, hobbies, possessions, everything. Just if she would make that same committment. I'm not saying you're on easy street now. But you have a committment. If he can't keep it, then you at least know he tried.<P>Now go and be the woman of his dreams. And don't worry about anything. If you be all you can be, and that isn't good enough for him, then too bad for him.

Thanks GM,<BR>I will pray that your W will come to the point where she will make the commitment to you. I am having much trouble even BELIEVING that he gave her the letter. I agree with what you said about being the most AWESOME me I can be. This time apart will give me more time to focus on me and my kids and let go of the worrying about him. I'm praying for you.

I struggle with the same trust issues that you do. I just don't feel as if I can trust her in anything she says. But that attitude will get you nowhere in life. You'll never make any progress. Unfortunately for us BSes, we need to stick out our necks and trust. Trust him that he did give the letter. Give the benefit of the doubt. If he is lying, then you've lost nothing more than a liar. But if he is telling the truth, then you've invested, and gained, and you will reap the benefit of your sacrifice.<P>That's what we're all hoping for, in all of our situations.

Hi MOM<BR>It was a good letter. I would say that's a great start. I wouldn't expect too much though. Take it one day at a time and give it time. I'm still hesitant about trusting my H. That will take time. In the meantime, pray about it everyday. Be the best you can be. I would have been very encouraged by that. I would still call the office and check though (that's my lack of trust factor--I believe you gotta see if things are true nowadays before you can blindly trust like in the "old days" (of your relationship).<BR>I'm happy your H has at least been able to write this letter and give you a copy. That means he is really going to try. Good luck!<BR>Mikkey

MOM, is total separation necessary? What about dating your H a bit so that he remembers and sees you care and want to trust again?<P>Just a thought.

Hi MOM:<P>First of all...congradulations...it looks like he's moving in the right direction...for a change...about time, huh. <P>Now for the "leap of faith" and that's really what it will have to be...belief and trust in him when he really doesn't deserve or merit it...but when he's trying to earn it back.<BR>And right now I think you have to make the effort...to look past the past itself...toward the future...by concentrating on what is becoming "good" in him again...all the little things he's doing to pull himself back to you and your life...he may not be perfect in his attempt...but he's trying.<P>As in all stages of this mess...we need to learn to go slow and control our expectations...for each step forward he makes he must give up little pieces of something he has thought he wanted to get back what he now knows he loves...and that's hard. And I'm a firm believer that this process can't be forced...it has to come at his own pace.<P>I think the continued separation is fine...it will give you time to judge his commitment and to begin the process of healing by coming together again...without the constrains of everyday life pulling at you. <P>Again I'm so glad that things are turning better for you and I hope this is just the start.<P>Faye

MOM, this is awesome news!! I wanted to share some things with you that I got out of counseling yesterday.<P>My C told me that my H may have done the no-contact, and others things just to please me, because he knew it would make me happy and it was something he could do to try and relieve the guilt he felt. BUT, that did not mean it was absolute, only time will tell if he is serious or not.<P>Please, remember that.<P>It was absolutely awesome that you asked him to stay seperated for a month still. You have bal*s girl, and I admire you for that. It was the best thing you could do for your marriage!!!<P>Now, you have to ask yourself. Are you going to just take it day by day, do what you want, and if that includes something with H, fine, or are you doing a strict plan B?? I would have to go for option #1 w/ a little bit of plan Aing... I don't think a strict plan B would benefit you in your situation, it will just pour salt in your H's wounds, if you will...<P>You need to show your H that you appreciate the little things he does do to work on your marriage, so him that he is getting somewhere. "thank you", "that means alot", etc. <P>Just my opinion. This is wonderful news, if your H is serious, then perhaps you can start MC again, while you are seperated. There is no rule that says you have to live under the same roof to be in MC...<P>I am happy your H did this for you. At least you know he has a conscience and that you are what he wants, today. If it's true and he is done waffling, then you are right, he will want you a month from now as well...<P>Just don't make him suffer while he is gone. That is not the point, right? The point is not to make him suffer and realize the horrible mistake he has made (almost made...). <P>Good luck, MOM, let us know how it goes. <P>Don't ask about the other stuff he wrote. It doesn't matter. It will just cause you to have more resentment later on (if it was mushy stuff for OW). If you ask, and he does tell you something, no matter what he says you won't know if it's the truth anyway, so that will get you all upset as well. I read somewhere to try and build up as little resentment as possible. Snoop to find out what you need to, but no more. You don't need to know this, if your H is serious, time will tell...<P>HbH

Try not to 'prove a point' to your husband by making him move out. He sounds so willing to try. Moving out seems to only help you grow apart. <P>I had an affair, and I made the same hard choice your husband did, even though I thought I loved my lover. If I had left my husband during recovery (which is what I wanted to do so I could feel less guilty) and lived with my sister during recovery, I may have broken down and called my lover while I was out of my home because I would have felt lonely and it would have been a time to reflect on my lover and how attached I was to him. I think I would have done this even though I was certain I wanted to fix my marriage. Sounds stupid but it is true. <P>Now is the time for you both to be together, no matter how uncomfortable it is and no matter how much it hurts. I remember coming home to my husband, feeling sad about the loss of my lover. He would hug me and I would not feel anything at all. I was numb. It was painful to be home and I thought moving out would help. But then, we would never have had those moments of breakthough, I would never have confided in him, and I think I would have comminicated with my lover and fallen back into the trap. I would have justified it by saying I needed a friend. Affair partners represent all good feelings - nothing bad (usually), and it's so much easier to be around good feelings. So we get sucked back in. It's hard to force yourself into a situation where you feel pain each and every day. But the pain goes away as you work together to rebuild your marriage. I needed my husband at this time, just as your husband needs you now.<P>Be there with him so he can feel your love. Tell him how much you appreciate his choice. Regarding the rest of the letter - I wrote a letter to my lover as well, and told him over the phone that it must end. But, I did add those nice little things like "you are a great person and I will miss our friendship." I guess I did it to soften the blow and I felt awful about it, like I was again betraying my husband with such words. Unfortunatley he misunderstood this as "an open door" so kept calling me, emailing, sending things which I ignored until he finally showed up in my office unnanounced. So I wish I had been more firm. But I alos had to be human to him - people who have affairs have a connection to their affair partners and it is so hard for us to be evil to each other even if our spouses are a priority. So do not even worry about the rest of the letter. Do you think it said "PS I think my wife fell for this so I'll meet you at 8 tonight as planned"? NO WAY! If he is willing to try, it perhaps was just words to help her feel less abandoned. But now that he has done it, it is not his job to make her feel less lonely. He has to stay away from her and I think he needs your help in staying away from her. <P>My husband stuck by me, no matter how distant I seemed, and did not let me move out. It forced us to be together. And it made me love him again like I never thought I could. I appreciate him so much now, and feel so glad that he gave me a chance which I did not deserve and at times felt I didn't want (I had an affair for a year and betrayed him horribly). It is that chance that he gave me that was the seed for a new beginning and whenever I feel sad, I remember how willing he was to try. You should remember that with your husband as well.<P>Good luck. <P><BR>QUOTE]Originally posted by Myownme:<BR><B>This is a little long, and for that I apologize. When I got home from work last night, H handed me a fat envelope and left with a small bag of clothes. What follows is the contents:<P>Honey,<BR>Enclosed you will find a copy of the letter I wrote to OW today. I know it was the coward's way out, but I mean what I said and it is all over between us. You can call her yourself if you want to make sure she got it. I also have instructed all the girls at work to not let her calls come through to me. I want our love back like it used to be. Tonight, I will be at (SISTER'S), call and let me know what you want. I hope it is for me to be home loving you. Also, feel free to ask anybody at work about the calls, they all know. <P>I love you always,<BR>H<P>Then here's the letter:<P>(OW),<BR>OK, I know we have been through this a million times before, and I find myself here once again. (OW), this will no doubt come as no surprise to you, but I must let some things in my life go. I find that as I consider all these, is that the way things are going, I am not being fair to anybody, in particular, my wife. I love my wife and need to find a way to get my full life back again. I am not trying to be mean (I can hear you already) but rather trying to be fair to everybody. I love my life at home. I do not want to go to my sister's. She has been in the middle long enough. I wish I was man enough to say this to you in person, but that never seems to work. I need to let you go and find a man that deserves what you have to give. What I have to give belongs to (W). Things are not perfect at home, but if I let you go, I know they can be. My wife and family are #1 with me and I have been very foolish to let all that go. I cannot take another chance that will all go away. My cell phone is in my wife's possession for a while, so don't call, please don't call work either, as I have asked the girls not to let your calls through. You are a wonderful, loving girl, please let me and you move on in life - without each other. NO MORE CONTACT PLEASE! I love my wife and want to be with her for the rest of my life. Sorry it has to be this way, but we both need to move on and I think you already knew that. (W) is my love and my life. I hope you find the same for yourself. Goodbye forever (OW).<P>(H)<P>I am so scared. I want to believe, but how do I? Last night I told him that the letter was all good and well (except for the nice stuff he HAD to say about her), but how do I know that it wasn't written out of fear?<P>My thought (and I said this to H) is that if he MEANS what he says, he would still feel the same after staying at his sister's for a month. I'm afraid to believe. This letter was written on lined paper. On page 2, you can see the lines for the part he wrote on. The rest of the page has no lines, so my thought is: was there a P.S. that he covered up so I wouldn't see it? This is what he's done to my trust.<P>HELP!!</B>[/QUOTE]<P>

Thanks everyone for your great advice. My H did leave yesterday and went to his sister's. For those that don't know, the reason we both felt he needed to be away from me this time is that my love for him was almost gone. He had been home and lying to me for 2 1/2 more months. His A started in December, 2000. He moved out supposedly to work on our marriage in March, 2001. D-Day was 5/6. Plan B letter 7/3. Moved back home 7/6 (too soon). I was continually getting my hopes built up (2 no-contact letters sent), only to have them smashed again. Right now I'm pretty confused and my H knows that and understands. He knows he now needs to leave for a while to give ME time to have the fog that he's created clear. When we first talked about the separation, we were not going to talk. My H had a really good conversation with my 1st father-in-law yesterday morning. This man had left his family years ago for OW. His W stayed strong and waited on him. After 2 years, he came back to his family, fully committed to his marriage. It was a good source of comfort for my H to talk to someone who'd been in his shoes. My 1st father-in-law and his wife have now been married 40 years. My H told me what a relief it was to sit down and talk to someone who knew EXACTLY what he'd been going through (too bad he wouldn't come here!). Anyway, he feels very confident that this time apart (while we continue our individual counseling) will help both of us to come to a place of mutual appreciation for each other. I just wish I was as sure as he is now. I did not tell him I was unsure of the future, just kept that to myself. Now instead of no contact, he wants to talk each night. I'm not sure if that will help me at this point or not. I'm pretty beaten down by the efforts I've made in the past 2 1/2 months that seemed to be for nothing. I appreciate all the advice guys. I love you all.<P>MOM

You know, I was the firm believer in the fact that it was time to Plan B. But, I really think that if he is this hopeful and showing this much commitment and desire for the marriage, you could modify it and talk every night.<P>I would say to him that I am prepared to receive you in good spirit should you come that way, but if NOT, we will go back to the point of not talking for a while. I would do it ONLY if the talking did not attack or tear down. But if he should make the choice to start blaming you or your anger, etc. or treat you in any manner that is unhealthy, I would tell him "that's your choice, you make it, and I'm movin on".....(Go back to the Plan B...give him more time...) <P>I don't think that you should go back and put up with his trying to control the situation or manipulate you. But, I do think that it could be good for both of you if you can talk peacefully each night.<P>It sounds very encouraging to me!!!

I agree with Susan. You gotta give in a LITTLE MOM. Show your H that you appreciate what he is doing.<P>